Favouritism between children - please help!

[Treesnbirds]

We have 4 girls aged 13,9,4 and 2.

Our eldest is a fantastic all rounder, works hard at school and sport and has a great group of friends. She's an amazing, kind sister to the youngest 2 but excludes the 9 year old on a daily basis and often treats her with contempt.

Our 9 year old is quiet and sweet and kind. I do see her annoying her big sister, but from what I see that's mostly in response to being excluded.

The eldest will be super sweet to the youngest and really unkind to the 9 yo in the same breath, it's like an ingrained pattern. This has been going on for around 4/5 years and is heartbreaking to see.

Nothing I've tried has had any effect. Very occasionally the older two will play a game together if the little ones are in bed, which the 9yo adores, but it soon reverts.

The 3 youngest get along well overall. Any ideas would be very gratefully received. I'm worried this is the pattern of their relationship now. 😭.

In all of the families I know with 4 children (limited sample, I know), the eldest is unkind/competitive towards the next sibling down. I've got 2 and the dynamic can be the same occasionally.

The only things you can do are to model kind interactions, make sure DD2 feels included and has time with you, and make it absolutely clear that unkindness is unacceptable ('DD1, I am very uncomfortable with you treating DD2 like that. In our house we value respect. Please hand me your phone/whatever for an hour').

My older two dds were wonderful with their little brother but awful to each other it was mostly eldest hating her younger sister and being mean and the younger retaliating.

I tried for the most part to stay out of it and encourage them to work through stuff themselves but if anyone crossed a line (being nasty/damaging property etc) they were disciplined- loss of screen time, grounding etc.

It got worse in teens tbh and has slowly improved since they became adults. They are 22 and 24 now and get on ok as long as they don't spend too much time together.

This is actually reassuring, thank you. Yes I think that's a good plan, to be consistent in explaining that it is not acceptable.

Luckily I do fairly often have time with our second daughter but that's a good reminder to make that a more regular thing.

Thanks for your response.

Hmm yeah this sounds a lot like our situation. Good to prepare for some more difficult times ahead I guess. It's good to hear it has improved a bit. I suppose I need to accept maybe they won't ever be close friends and that's ok.
Thanks for your reply.

@Treesnbirds I think I assumed two girls fairly close in age would get on and be life long friends. But the fact is they are really different. As a child the younger one was quite attention seeking and the elder more independent , I think at some point the older dd just got sick of her sister.

They love each other and we hang out as a family and they will occasionally do stuff together like cinema or coffee but they don't spend loads of time together. They are sisters not friends. It may change when they are older 🤞

But the younger one is not scarred by her sister treatment of her

Thanks for this. I completely understand, I think that's the assumption most people would make. It is great to hear that you don't think they are scarred by it, that's a big relief.

I wonder if it might change in time, my sister and I had some tricky times, but once we both had kids we sort of banded together much more tightly and it has continued like this. Hope you find things get stronger between yours.
Thanks for your message.

I'd mirror her behaviour to her. Sit down just with her and say she is old enough and a good enough person to learn that this behaviour is far more cruel and damaging than she intends it to be and it has to stop right now. Ask her how she'd feel if you spoke to your other daughters like this (use a nice voice) but to her like this (use a rude, dismissive tone). Make sure she answers your question - how would she feel? Then ask her how she'd feel if you did it all the time, every time she spoke to you - what impact would it have on her over a week, a month, a year? Again, make sure she actually thinks about it and answers the question.

Tell her if you see or hear her behaving that way with her sister ever again you will behave towards her in the same way, so she can start to learn what impact it has as it is important that she understands how she treats people affects them.

I think children and teens have no idea how powerful their own behaviour is to others, so unless it is mirrored back at them, they don't really get it.

As well as discussing it with dd1 I would also find time to spend with the two of them together without the younger ones. Even if it is just the two of them going for coffee with you and discussing school etc. Seeing each other as individuals rather than one of a group might help.

I think the 13 and 9 year olds are so close in age, but not so close to have the same interests, that it’s probably normal that they will annoy each other. The younger two are so much younger that they are a different kind of playing dynamic. The 9 year old will get on with the younger two for the same reasons the eldest will.

There are lots of hormone surges for the 9 and 13 year olds. Plenty of siblings don’t get on and plenty argue loads as children but have close friendships as adults.

Excludes her how?
It’s ok for them not be best buddies right now. There’s a big difference between 9 and 13 but not quite as big enough difference to make her cute and interesting.
BUT I would not be tolerating any excluding from sibling games or activities, if the younger ones are involved then she can be too. Rude and intentionally unkind behaviour needs dealing with.