Do I want another baby?

[40fish]

We have a 4 year old boy who is amazing, but sometimes, I feel guilty that he doesn't have any siblings, and sometimes, I think I want another baby. Then I think, wait, I love my job. I love our life together, and I don't want to start over paying for child care and nappies and doing all that again. Then I get upset and think I wish I'd had another straight away. I've left it too late. Should I just have my coil out and leave it to my body to decide. I'm not sure what to do. We can afford another baby, and we have the space. My husband is the same, chopping and changing his mind. Then I wonder if I'm just struggling to deal with me getting older, and soon it won't be a choice, it will be too late, I can't put this feeling to sleep. My head is so busy with this, which you can probably see by how chaotic this post is. I wish someone could give me an answer.

Please don’t have a baby just to give your child a sibling. Two of my kids don’t speak.

It sounds like you want another baby but are scared how it would change your life/ family’s life, the only way to get over that is to take the plunge- i have just had baby number 5 she wasn’t planned and wasn’t particularly wanted to be honest but knew i would regret having an abortion, i was so scared that having her would ruin everything throughout my whole pregnancy (was more scared having her than i was my first lol) but she is now 8 months old and she is our little sunshine 🌞 the older kids 14, 12, 9&9 (twins) rush back from school to see her, celebrate each milestone like they are little mums n dads 😂 and daddy is besotted lol i haven’t once regretted having her but i know i would have regretted not having her xx

I had counselling with my HV before TTC and had a session with me and my partner. We had a difficult time in pregnancy as I had hyperemesis and then I had treatment resistant depression and my daughter had multiple food allergies and severe silent reflux.
It really helped to have someone to talk to about it. We started this when my daughter was 3 and a half. When she was 3 I started changing my medication to ones safe for concept. During the session I started on folic acid. By the time I was off all my medication I felt ready to ttc.

Talking to people really helped. I was quite honest with a few things that we would like a second child but were hesitant and some aspects. Making lots of small decisions moving towards trying for a second helped rest the waters to see whether it was what we really wanted and whether the fears were normal "life will be different, will it be ok" fears.

I honestly think if you can provide for another child you need to make a (shared - you and your husband together obviously) selfish decision.

Your son is going to thrive, regardless. He has privileged and conscientious parents. Clearly, if you want one, you will manage having another child and no doubt they would thrive too.

So what do you want for yourselves? Are you actually very happy with things as they are but just second guessing it?

Or, do you want a bit more parenting to do?

It's not all just the baby stage you're taking on an extra primary school age, teenager, young adult etc. But I think it does literally come down to, do you want twice as much of all that, or is the idea of having one and done (and therefore more freedom and cash) much more appealling.

You don't have to do the "right thing". Both options are the "right thing". Don't be pulled about by guilt and worry, make a positive choice - which options makes you feel excited, enthusiastic about the future? I'd follow that feeling.

Just to add a slightly different perspective, I have 2 DCs under 4 and that niggling feeling that I want another baby is there, just as you describe for whether you want a 2nd. I'm guessing you're an 'older' mum by your post. I'm 43.

My head knows I don't want a third, but I still have all the same feelings you describe (apart from the urge to provide siblings - the PP is right on that topic, it's not a fair/legitimate reason). Anyway, the point of this is to say that I think when women age, particularly when we go past 40, it's very common to have that urge to have more children, and so it might actually be hormonal, and even if you have a second, you may find yourself still feeling the same feelings about a 3rd because those hormones are still there.

I guess the point of my post is to try and help work out what might be going on behind your feelings because you actually sound quite settled with one and maybe the desire for a 2nd doesn't have strong foundations? I could be completely wrong, so forgive me

We made a physical pros and cons list on a piece of paper. It massively helped making the decision. Take some of the emotion out of it (but of course emotional reasons can be on the list) and think about it rationally.

You could separate the pros and cons into temporary things and long lasting things too? And maybe use a highlighter to highlight the really major things on both sides? These helped us narrow it down to the stuff that was really important to us.

Think about financial, practical, emotional, your existing child's point of view, your own mental and physical health, the state of your relationship with your husband, the wider family picture, what support you have.

We dithered for ages! The catalyst for us was my DH dad being diagnosed with terminal cancer. The 1st person my DH called when he got the news was his brother (and they're not particularly close). Thay cemented in DHs head that he didn't want our DC not to have the option of sibling support (I know it's not guaranteed).

So for us the potential benefits of having another child, both for us and our DC, slowly started to outweigh the cons of going back to the baby stage.

Now almost 36 weeks with DC2 and DC1 is 5 and super excited for the arrival of their sibling.

I waited until dd1 was 5 and in school. It works. They love each other and team up if one is getting told off. They also argue. But in terms of what I could handle, it was a good gap.

@stackstackhead may I ask how old you are? This is something that plays on my mind is my age. Our boy will be 5 next year.

I was 35 this year and my DH is 40 a few weeks after baby is due.