Empty nest!

[whishwhish]

My daughter has just left for university and has Freshers Week before study starts on Monday. At first she FaceTimed and answered texts, and she is still answering some texts but says she's v busy. I know I'm being unreasonable and need to adjust but do others find their children are not in contact loads. I've heard from her every day and know I should be grateful for that, but am so missing being a greater part of her life. A friend's daughter is ringing, FTing, sending photos, texting... What's your experience?

I think it's a good sign that she is not in touch that much tbh.

DD struggled at uni, and in the term when it was really tough for her she was facetiming us a lot which looking back I should have picked up on. Luckily she is much better now and got a great degree.

DS2 I only hear from when he wants money, pretty much. Even in his first few weeks contact was certainly not daily. I would let her get on and make sure she knows you are there with support if needed.

When my son went last year we texted a lot in the first week.
He isn't too far away so at the end of that first week we met in the middle for lunch and so I could give him something he'd forgotten.
I could see he was happy and settling down so left him to it, only messaging if it was something important- like football. If the match is on TV we will both watch and have a running conversation.
He's just gone back for second year, much easier this time

It’s a good sign and if I could give some advice which worked for me … I let my son take the reins when it came to contacting me. They really need this time to find their feet and establish themselves and ‘flee the nest’ I stipulation was that he log into WhatsApp when he got in so that I could see he was still alive. He was very ‘give me peace’ at the start which I 100% respected, he really needed it and it wasn’t about me. 3 years later he is living with is beautiful girlfriend who I was out for luck with last week , just the two of us and I love her, he messages pretty much every day, we have genuinley such a good relationship I could cry just typing this, we have a laugh and it’s real and I’m so so glad I gave him the space he needed. I’m so glad. Don’t get me wrong, I was still there to be the parent when he needed me but giving him the space really worked out for us. Once I gave him it… he didn’t need it. It’s so hard, I really know that.

Hope I'm doing this right and you can both see my reply. Thank you for responding and I know you're right. I think it's compounded by the fact I'm disabled so I can't visit or anything, and by the fact I had a child at home for 3 decades! I know it's good she is settling and busy, and I am being childish by feeling hurt when I should just be glad.

Thank you Choosenandenough - this is such good advice and every day I resolve to follow it and then end up sending a text in the afternoon - then feel sad if I don't hear back - tho I usually do later. I am trying v hard to give her space. And will really listen to your experience and continue to try - but harder!

Oh I know! It’s so hard! I mum died about 6 months before my son left for uni and I have no siblings or anything and was very isolated at the time and it was SO hard. But somehow he came back… now it’s highly likely a daughter will come back a lot faster, she’s probably cutting you off a bit to cope with the fact it’s scary for her too but when you look on some sites where the mums as posting about their kids having no friends and wanting to come home etc… it’s so good to know that your child is too busy for you. I could almost promise you that she’ll be back closer and stronger than ever. My son and I struggled after my mum died and I remember buying all his stuff for halls like I was a zombie and feeling like he was a flaming sociopath at the time for not getting it. Bit then down the line we’ve cried and talked and it’s been everything, I can’t explain how letting go to let them grow but always letting them know you’re there … it’s trying to detach but still love it’s so hard! I wish I could hug you and tell you it’ll be ok… it really will. I cried my eyes out in my son’s empty room and all I wanted was to call my mum. But today he was sending me pictures of what he’s bought in IKEA and asking me to come for Christmas etc … it honestly does change when they get the space. My heart goes out to you though, it’s bloody well painful! X

choosenandenough thank you so much. Am crying my eyes out here. I'm so glad for you that you have such a close and strong relationship with him and so sorry for how bereft you must have felt, losing your mum, too. My heart goes out to you. He is so lucky to have you, and you him, and I will remember your words every day as I try to navigate this part of my life xx

Please don’t think I’m like … oh and it’s all great for me now … it’s not but I just know that it’s so much better with my son than it could have been if I hadn’t let him go to feel free to come back.

I’m taking the leave them to get on with it approach. I don’t want to annoy my son! And it is annoying for them to feel that they have to be contacting home frequently. I think once a day is plenty. I’m not getting that but I’m fine with that.

I know it’s hard but try to find something else to distract you. It does get easier.

I've got one daughter and it's hard when they leave home. Your feelings are totally natural. Rest assured it's healthy that they're not in touch all the time - they need to start finding their feet as an autonomous adult and that inevitably involves a certain amount of separation from us as parents.

You will adjust to your new normal and uni is just one stage in their young lives, the world of work follows and then maybe marriage and children. Just keep saying to yourself 'all's well' and remember uni terms are short!!!!

I so appreciate all these shared experiences and am also relieved that in the main, they are reflecting my experience and that there is so much reassurance that this is healthy and normal. I will back off a bit and let her take the lead and know I'm here when she needs me.
And yes, DaphneDuM, I am looking forward to Christmas!

DS1 left 2 weeks ago and he has always been a bit rubbish at keeping in touch, although we are very close and get on well.

What we agreed was that I would facetime him in the evenings until he told me that he didn't need me to.

I usually message before to say is it OK to call tonight and so far its been yes.

I expect it will become less regular once he is settled and has started his course.

I'm not sure I subscribe to the no news is good news school of thought. DH's mum never bothered making contact, he always had to initiate it, and now their relationship is almost non existent

On balance I would rather be a bit of a pita than leave things to chance, obviously respecting his right to say when enough is enough!

It is difficult isn't it? My DD was dropped off last Saturday at LJMU and it feels like an eternity ago. We have been in contact once a day, every day, mostly initiated by me and she seems fine. She is cracking jokes and seems relaxed and comfortable. But there is a part of me that selfishly wants more. I want the facetime calls and the photos and it is feeling strange to me not being part of her everyday life and I miss not knowing what she is doing. It is definitely going to take some adjusting to that's for sure.

Lulubellamozarella - exactly this!!

I am a widower & my Daughter is off to university.
She is really looking forward to going but I am struggling with my emotions as I will miss her so much as I love her to bits.
The university is only 2 hours away & she said I can visit but leaving her there is going to rip my heart out.
I have been looking for groups to attend but I still work full time but am hopfully going to go down to 4 days every other week soon.

I am a year on from this now, my DD is about to start her 2nd year in a couple of weeks. See my responses to posts during this thread.

I am not going to sugar coat it, the dropping off, leaving them there, and the first month at least was bloody hard. I am extremely close to my DD and not knowing what she was up to, and being part of her life in the way I once was, took a massive amount of adjustment.

It massively helps if they are happy. I can't comment from any other viewpoint, only my own. My DD loved it. She settled, made friends, enjoyed the freedom, the independence and the city life. She enjoyed her course and took to it like a duck to water. When I could see she was happy and thriving, it made it MUCH easier.

We arranged a once a week Facetime call where we just chatted and caught up every week, and then in the week would exchange the odd message here or there, but for the most part I stepped back and let her get on with it.

It won't be easy, you will miss her, feel empty and a bit lost for a while but I PROMISE it gets easier.

My girl was home for reading week in October, and again at Xmas and again for reading week in February and then she was back home after the end of the first year before I knew it.

Reach out here during those first few uni weeks as there will be loads of others dealing with the same thing and the same emotions as you are. There was an ongoing thread last year called Uni Starters on here and it was invaluable for me in the build up and during those early weeks. I am sure there will be another one for this years starters so keep your peepers out for that.

What you are feeling is normal. Its the shit part of being a parent that no-one warns you about.

Thank you.
Yes dropping her off & me driving home will be hard as I have to drive 2 hours home on my own.
She has done a bit of travelling so I have been on my own for a couple of weeks at a time a few times but at least I had her coming home after that.
I think if I had company it would be easier but coming home to a empty house is going to be so hard.
But since we lost my wife 5 years ago it has been my daughter & myself.

Is she staying in halls? Has she been able to find and make contact with the others she will be sharing with? This was one of the things that helped my DD massively. She was able to see the names of the others in her flat and they all got in touch and messaged and made friends with each other, on a surface level, before any of them moved in.

Knowing she was already comfortable with the people she would be sharing with helped me a lot to feel much better about leaving her there. I didn't feel like I was just dumping her in a lions den and running away leaving her to fend for herself.

The drive home was hideous and I cried buckets. Every mile we drove was a mile further away from my girl.

I am so sorry for your loss and this must make it all the harder for you not having the person who should be sharing this big moment in your life with you.

One thing I did do was hold my tears until I was on my own and we had said our goodbyes. I didn't want to make her feel bad or sad for me. I wanted to show that I was as excited as she was. But inside my heart was breaking.

Honestly, it will be brutal but you will be okay and you will get used to her not being there. Even if it feels impossible right at this moment.

Thanks for replying.
Yes she is staying in student halls in Gloucestershire university.
She told me she contacted a few & is messaging them.
I think I mentioned I am looking for groups just to take some of the loneliness out of it.

@Geoffc

My son is going into his third year. Im on my own as well and he is my only child.
The first few weeks were really hard. Try and have things arranged to keep you busy.
But it does get easier. I would say that Im now used to the absence. Waving him off again is ok, I just get on with my day
I do think having a pet helped me enormously. My cat was always there waiting for me and ready for a fuss.
If you don't have a pet maybe its worth considering?

Thank you for the advice I really appreciate it.
Yes we have a dog who keeps me on my toes.

Geoff that sounds so hard. I really understand. It's nearly a year since I first posted the message that started this thread and I did adjust and more quickly than I thought. ONe of the ways I deal with it, is by thinking that she's not properly leaving home for the three years of her course because she's back every holiday and some weekends and it is always such a joy to see her. I think joining some groups locally sounds like a really good idea, or getting involved with a local charity or something.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife and daughter's mother. You sound like such a committed and loving father.
Keep posting here as you experience the change so you can get some support on this thread.

Thanks again all.
I hope to go up & see her after a couple of weeks of her settling in as she wants me to take our Dog up to see her.
She has a job near home that she wants to carry on with that as well so when she comes home she wants to work some of it.
She also said she will ring me & I have told her if she needs any thing I will come up asap but I also understand she has to settle in & get to know where everything is.
I think for what I can see they get quite long holidays.

@Geoffc

My son is 2 hours away on the train.
What I think we both found useful was meeting somewhere in the middle for lunch the first weekend.
I could see he was still alive and he could see I hadn't turned into a puddle.
It didn't cramp his style or intrude on that important first weekend too much.
He didn't have lectures on Wednesdays that first year so we would meet up for breakfast a few times a term.

My Daughters university is only 2 hours away & I hope to visit her a bit if she let's me.
I am absolutely dreading of course I want her to succeed but with me being on my own it is going to be hard.
I do try to talk to her about different things but I seem to get shut down which is quite sad for me really she is a fantastic person.
She has a job very near home & she does want to carry that on in term time so she can get some money in.
I dont want to push her away bye contacting her to much obviously will find it incredibly hard not to message or call her.