Daughter won’t accept friends apology

[Notenoughtime23]

My 10yo DD had an argument with a friend who then pushed her. DD stuck up for herself and told her never to push her again. The friend I believe is ND. The friend apologised however my DD is refusing to accept this. This is a new school so I don’t want DD to isolate herself from others by refusing to accept her apology as I’m not completely sure if the friendship dynamics. I am also very aware I can be super stubborn and often don’t let things go which is should so I’m wondering if my perspective is skewed on this.
I have advised her to accept her apology but to say that she won’t be so forgiving if it happens again. She however is saying I am saying it is acceptable for her friend to push her which I’m not but I also feel if someone apologises and knows they are in the wrong you should maybe give them the benefit of the doubt. I think the fact I am stubborn and also suffer from anxiety especially around friendships I don’t want to give her the wrong advice. Any advice welcome.
for clarity this is the first argument they have had however when she started the school mentioned that the friend had said she was ND. I have met the child and she seems very polite but equally I don’t want to discard my DD’s feelings.

Good for her for setting boundaries and enforcing them. If you force her to accept the apology, you're telling her that her boundaries don't matter and that's a really a position that could have long lasting consequences in her ability to stand up for herself.

At the end of the day 10 year olds fall out and make up on a regular basis so I'd simply let it play out in its own time. They will either make up or they won't but please let her have her autonomy on this.

She is right and drawing sensible boundaries. She is saying it is not acceptable to push her and has ended the friendship, which is reasonable. What would you be saying if this was her partner in years to come? They have apologised so let's give them the benefit of the doubt?

You've given a suggestion of forgiving the friend and giving her another chance. Your dd doesn't want to do that, and I think you should respect that personally.

I am not sure that I would want to forgive and make friends with someone who had physically assaulted me either. The fact that the kids are only children doesn't necessarily mean that they should just have to put up with this kind of behaviour.

Let your dd choose her own friendships. She will navigate her way through this situation in the way that she sees fit.

Good for your DD. Why do you think she's doing something wrong?

She's 10, this is her friendship and her boundaries, not yours.

If you're going to keep getting involved in her childhood squabbles and friendships, you'll drive a huge wedge between the pair of you.

Maybe be discuss a time when your dd made a mistake and how that worked. if you don’t have anything that spring to mind something you have done etc

go along the forgive but not forget straight away until friend has earned back her trust?

I agree df should not have pushed her, it’s not ok and dd is right to feel aggrieved. Dd needs to understand that no one is perfect, if it hasn’t happened yet it will be her one day (not pushing but something else) and she would want her friend to listen to her and forgive her if she was truly sorry. but being sorry means that you don’t repeat the mistake.

im saying this as you are concerned about stubbornness over ruling your dds emotions

if after the discussion dd still doesn’t want to then that’s her choice.

It’s her life, it’s up to her.

You need to respect your DD’s decision here. She knows the background and how hard the push was etc

Not accepting an apology doesn’t mean that she will never accept the apology. With some time she may change her mind or look for other friends who will treat her better.

Well done to her for sticking to her boundaries - a push at 10 years old is a reasonable reason not to be friends with someone.

Also, I'm not sure why you've mentioned twice that her friend is ND.

If she gives her another chance and she pushes her again, her friend will still be ND 😳

At what point is she allowed the autonomy to set her own boundaries?

@Notenoughtime23 don't interfere.

It's important that you daughter can set boundaries and enforce them.

It's also important that if she has a stubborn will and tends to cut off her nose to spite her face, she learns consequences.

This is a learning step for her and you must let her find her own way and make her own choices and then handle what comes next. Your job is to gently support and give advice when she asks for it.

I wouldn’t accept the apology of or want to be friends with someone who pushed me either. Applaud her for knowing herself and sticking up for what she feels is right. Are you a natural people pleaser by any chance?

Support your daughter, she’s setting firm boundaries and she’s absolutely right to do so! Telling kids to forgive someone when they don’t want to doesn’t teach them ANY good lessons for later life. It’s a good thing that she has learned young it’s okay to say “nope” to unacceptable behaviour.

Thanks for all the advice. Sorry I don’t think I explained things properly. To those who have said to not get involved I never got involved as such. My DD asked my opinion this morning about how she should deal with the situation. She told me about it yesterday after school and I listened and didn’t comment too much but asked if she was okay and how the situation was left. On the walk to school this morning DD asked what I thought she should do. I said she had two options she could accept the apology and move on but to tell her friend never to do it again otherwise she wouldn’t forgive so easily. DD then said “so your saying it is okay to push someone”. I said no I’m not saying that I’m just saying that’s one option the other is to not forgive her but ultimately it’s your choice. Again this didn’t seem the answer DD was looking for and then said I don’t care. I think she is conflicted in her decision and looking to me for advice but no matter what I say seems to be the wrong answer. I’m also worried my own stubbornness will skew my advice so didn’t want to say never talk to her again which is instinctively my thoughts however I also know this isn’t a healthy attitude to things. I will hold a grudge and know I don’t handle things in the best way. I’m really just trying to advise my DD in the best way possible but feel like whatever I say upsets her or is wrong and I don’t want that. My own mum wasn’t the best at handling situations where I asked for advice and I am desperately trying to not be that parent my DD can’t talk to.

I have just read my original post as I wrote it in a rush and o do understand it comes across as I was actively pushing her to forgive the friend which in fact was just one of the options I gave. I’m useless at conflict resolution as I shout and don’t actually solve anything so I suppose I’m trying to not make her like me x

I think you need to have a conversation about
-the meaning of forgiveness and how it doesn’t mean that the bad or wrong thing was ok at all.
-and then discuss things that are forgiveable and things that are not, and the red lines we all set.
-Then tell her it is ok for her to decide that anything physical is crossing that line into unforgivable & end the friendship.
-Friendships at that age are the foundation for future romantic relationships, so it it’s important to talk about healthy boundaries and red lines even though she is preteen.

OP I think your first post was badly explained and so it is perhaps going to effect the replies you get going forward. I was also ready to tell you not to interfere until your follow up.

It sounds like the issue is more that your DD did not seem satisfied with anything you said.

She said she wanted your advice but I wonder if maybe she actually just wanted to talk about how unfair it all was and how angry and confused she is?

It's a difficult one. She's displaying healthy boundaries and as far as I'm concerned, ending the friendship is probably the best idea. Someone telling her to forgive probably does make her boundaries feel trampled and like she's expected to put up with being hurt.

At the same time, losing a friend hurts and she perhaps is feeling guilty / angry / sad that the friendship is over. So someone saying "just stop being her friend you're better off without her" would perhaps also not satisfy her and feel invalidating.

Basically, when it comes to giving advice it's often the case that there's no right thing to say.

The confusion and conflicting feelings are likely prompting her to explicitly ask for advice but getting advice isn't helping because she already knows her options and frankly they both feel a bit shit.

My general advice would be to leave her to it, but if she does come to you with this, I wonder if you could try and avoid jumping in with the advice and instead focus on empathising and validating her feelings and see if she responds better to that.

"I don't know whether to forgive her. She says she's sorry but what she did wasn't right."

"It does sound like a difficult decision. Laura has been your friend for this whole time and you've had lots of good memories together but you also want to make sure you aren't treated badly by people."

"What shall I do?"

"I wish I had a simple answer that would feel easy. What are the different parts of you saying?"

Etc etc.

There is definitely a place for you sharing what you personally would do, with the caveat that everyone is different and she has to decide herself. But I wonder if perhaps just some slight tweaks to your phrasing and taking a step back to try and help her to get to her own decision first would feel better and make her less defensive.

Thanks this is really helpful. I do think I’m quick to jump in with “solutions” rather than listen to her feelings. We had a chat after school and it turns out she was actually worried about how school would be after the incident yeaterday and did exactly what I do when anxious which is take it out on the person closest to me. It so hard to try and navigate all this especially as she is getting older and I think I am so hung up on trying to help her best manage her anxiety and stubbornness. I want to teach her ways to manage it but it’s stuff I struggle with myself so im also trying to make sure I deal with my own issues to not project them on to her.
my original message was very badly written this is why I should do things when I have 5 minutes before I need to rush out the door.

It sounds like your next chat went much better. Give yourself a break. You've got a daughter who is happy to come to you and tell you about this stuff, and feels safe enough to take her frustrations out on you. You're obviously doing something right.

It's good to be self-aware and interested in working on yourself, but we can't always get it right. Just keep going and keep letting her know you're there and you care, even if you don't say the perfect thing the first time around.

I really like the book 'how to talk to kids will listen' and I think they have slightly different ones for different age ranges but there's some good tips in there for avoiding jumping in and solving things for them like that. It really made me think in a different way.

If you've not read it I'd highly recommend it, especially as you navigate her growing up and the inner conflict she will have between wanting to make her mind up independently while still needing your input. I hope your daughter is feeling better.

It's your DD's decision but when I used to work with that age group we frequently helped them to u serata d that we all make mistakes. Of course nobody on their right minds would condone the minimising of a serious transgression but some perspective is important; a kid pushed another kid but realised they'd been out of order and apologised. This should not be a big deal. A poster further up had it right when they said your daughter would do well to say okay but do it again and you won't be forgiven.

I think you're daughter has sensible and firm boundaries which will stand her in good stead for future relationships.

We're not obliged to accept every apology, anymore than we're obliged to give someone the chance to do the same thing twice.

We teach our children not to accept hitting or disrespectful behaviour, and she's doing exactly that - having a zero tolerance approach. I'd support her in that.

I think people should accept apologies in the first instance and that a zero tolerance approach often causes more harm than good. People make mistakes and genuine apologies should count for something. But if the behaviour repeats then apologies shouldn't fly.

I think your daughter's response to her friend was a good one; if the friend is truly remorseful, she should be given a chance, but if it happens again, your daughter can call her out on how genuine the first apology was.
I have seen situations where one little girl has deliberately wound up another to the point of causing upset, then retreating to "but not reeeeeely!" as if that absolves her of all responsibility.
You might suggest to your daughter that if her friend approaches her, she can tell her that she can show how genuine her apology is by her future behaviour.
"Deeds Not Words!", to quote the suffragettes!