How do I get over this pain?

[JoMaloneCandles]

I am 38 DH 40. We have two amazing children, lovely large home, no financial stress, great prospect in life for all of us. Now that the baby years are over (they are 7 and 4) I would love to have another child.

I always thought I'd be happy with two but this yearning is not going away. Our circles is very small, no family members close by which means we have no help whatsoever but also means my children don't have cousins to grow up with.

I feel very torn because I want my children to have a memorable childhood but I also don't have a village, no grandparents, no aunts/uncles close by at all. My husband and I share all chores and childcare needs. We both work in demanding industries so can't go part time but will have the usual maternity leave. Our jobs are flexible however and I switch off as soon as my kids are home from school and we spend weekends away travelling to see family but as they get older that is decreasing because we have their own activities.

My close friends/school mums with children also in the same boat really, busy with work, we barely see one another as kids all go to different schools across this large town.

What would you do if you were in my shoes? I also worry about a potential baby with extra needs and what that would do to my family since I have no help, the risks are small though as I read?

Anyone with just 2 and it all worked out fine?

2 is the perfect number for me. No middle child, nobody needs to share bedrooms and we can still have a guest room, everyone fits in the car and in one hotel room, most day trip attractions have family tickets around an assumption of 2 adults and 2 children.

Whatever activities the children have there's hardly ever a clash because we can always each take one to one, couldn't guarantee that with a third.

I've never wanted a third aside from some very occasional broody thoughts. But the practicalities of it win by a mile every time.

Have you spoken with your DH?
Your situation is far from terrible but it's wise to consider such a big decision carefully.
I have one DD and 2 DSC. I would have liked another but DH was done.
I did come to terms with this and it's all fine. We don't have close family either, DH and I are both only children so no cousins here either. I grew up with lots of cousins and I can't say it was actually that great! They were pretty mean to me 😄

It's not what you asked but I was in your shoes really - 38, two children, I don't have a single relative on my side and DH's parents live abroad. He does have siblings but they're not local or anything. I don't really know why but I just really really wanted another baby, so did DH to be fair so that bit was easy.

I had my third baby at 39...

Probably not what you want to hear, but she was the missing piece. It was like someone had been missing the whole time and immediately our family was complete. Now, you couldn't pay me a billion pounds to have another baby!

Don't get me wrong, it can be hard. We really have very very limited babysitter options and nobody wants three kids to look after anyway, so we don't get to do things as a couple much at all. My youngest has just started school thought so that helps a bit and I was able to go part time - I think both in full time work would be really quite a 'lot' with three kids. The expense of wraparound care etc. Plus we do an incredible amount of running about to after school activities and hobbies, the logistics can be tricky.

So pros and cons really, personally I think I would always have felt like someone was missing and have no regrets, but life would definitely be easier and more comfortable with two. Especially with no village as you say.

Do you both work?

How old were your children when you had the third?

I have yes. He is happy with two but also on board with 3. We are both on the fence. I think we are both scared with any potential health issues the baby might have due to our age and how that stress then needs to be absorbed by my other two because they cant just go and sit at grandmothers house etc.

Yes we both work, I only work three days a week now though. My children were younger than yours when we had the third - my eldest was 4.5 - but we started late so had to cram them all in! Neither of the older two were even at school and I think it would have been easier if at least one was. That said, a seven (or more) year gap can be quite significant when they are young so there are pros and cons there too

bumping for more response

I think 2 is a good number they will have each other growing up . I just had my 1st and not really sure I want to donit all again but I'm in the same boat no family no cousins for her so for that reason I will probably try have a second for her so they have each other but no way would I be volunteering to have a 3rd I think your kids are at such lovely ages now and you can enjoy it and give them your time and attention without a newborn taking up most of your time