Nervous about work trip

[Janch13]

Hello

I returned to work from maternity leave earlier this year. Before I went off, my role included a bit of travel (Europe, around once a month for -2 nights)

When I was off in Mat leave I said to myself that I wasn’t going to do that anymore and I could just fly in and out same day, as I didn’t want to leave my family (the baby and I have a school age child too)

but now that I am back, and have been leading on important projects, I don’t feel the same. I want to see these projects through to completion and I’m actually really loving my work. Plus a night or 2 off from doing bedtime and night wakes actually seems appealing!!

I have a couple of work trips coming up, 1 for 2 nights and another for 3, unfortunately they are back to back weeks.

I am becoming increasingly nervous. I actually feel OK about leaving the baby who is now 16 months, settled into nursery etc. But I am worried about how my husband will cope and the inevitable mum guilt I will get when I am away.

I have had 1 night away from home since this baby was born (2023) and I came home to my husband being totally frazzled and my house looked like it had been burgled, and he’s dressed the baby in a pj top for nursery 🙈

I’m just starting to panic a bit which is putting a downer on the execution of this project I have been working on. I feel ready to be away but I’m really anxious about how my husband and kids will cope without me.

When I used to travel before (when we just had 1 child) I would make sure dinners were prepped, clothes were laid out etc. I don’t want to do that anymore because I think it just comes expected and we all know about a women’s mental load. But to ease my own conscious I think I will make sure school uniform and nursery clothes are all sorted for while I am away.

It’s mostly my husband that is making me feel worried. I just know while I am away I will get messages about how the baby was up all night screaming for me and this will send my anxiety and mum guilt into overdrive when I am in a different country and supposed to be focused on work.

After my 2 work trips we have a 10 day family holiday which is making me feel better about leaving.

thanks for any advice or just a hand hold. Isn’t it so unfair that as women we feel guilty even for working to provide for our family!!

It will be absolutely fine. You will have a wonderful time. And your Dh will cope - he’ll have to - just like you have all these months.

I went to Australia for work for 2 weeks when my eldest was 16 months. It was wonderful and gave me a lot more confidence. And Dh and dd had a great time.

There is no reason a decent father can't cope alone for 2-3 nights without having to have clothes laid out for him. There's nothing for you to feel guilty about at all. He needs to grow up.

My children are a bit older (8 and 6) but younger one still wakes up at night and needs comfort and they still need all the organising them to get to school and activities appropriately dressed. I went away for a week with work long-haul this year. DH coped just fine, they all did. He was perfectly capable of caring for them, comforting them and just generally being a parent.

At no point did I consider setting out their clothes. And rather than telling me they were upset or crying he made sure to let me know when they were happy and settled after I'd seen them a bit upset on a video call.

Remind him before you go that you need to concentrate on work and that messages about how awful everything is at home won’t help! I’d also remind him that you don’t do the same when he’s working.

Enjoy the trips! I'm travelling a lot after no travel for a long time and quite frankly - I enjoy it.

Exactly this!! There is zero point telling you things that you can do nothing about. That would do my head in.

I travel once a month for work and I do the meal prep, but I do it in a way that really isn’t a lot of effort. I make double of something that I made the weeks before and freeze. So it is all ready to go. I don’t mind doing it and my husband is genuinely very appreciative of this.

@mindutopia Thank you. I’m sure they’ll be fine. Will give DH a taste of what it’s like to be the default parent for a few days.

@DappledThings Thank you. Trying to force myself into this way of thinking.

@FacingTheWall I will do this, and will try to resist asking how the nights were

@ThatMakesSense I do too, well I’m looking forward to my trips apart from the mum guilt which is already setting in. Feeling guilty for working, I know how silly that is!

@Mamabear999 i think it makes a big difference when you effort is appreciated, not just taken as a given, or un-noticed altogether

It will be good for your DH, a learning curve. What's the worst that could happen? A pj top for nursery won't do any harm. No better way for him to learn to appreciate all you do.

@Opentooffers I do agree, I’m just nervous about if DH has a bad night with the baby I’ll feel really guilty and helpless in another country. Sounds like the problem lies with me tbh!