Hating and struggling with the toddler stage

[BoyTwinMum24]

Hi. I am not sure if this is the right place to post so I'll try a couple of threads. And I realise I'm opening myself up to a lot of abuse and attack, but I'm at rock bottom so nothing left to lose.

I have 2 twin boys who are 2.5yrs old. They are wild, full of energy. Generally they are pretty good, but as you'd expect as toddlers are often pushing the boundaries of throwing things/food, jumping off things etc. My husband isn't well so has been staying in hospital for a long time and so I have had to take the load a lot at home. And I'm utterly exhausted and constantly angry. The rage is getting off the scale now. I have never, nor don't think, I'd ever hurt them physically, but am very rough with them and scream and shout a lot. I absolutely hate parenting them and often think back to how easy life was pre kids. I believe I love them, but it is buried so deep I just constantly feel angry and dread spending time with them. I work full time and they are in nursery full time so it's only weekends when I have them, but I absolutely dread every second of it. I tried therapy but I didn't click with the person. I just am a loss. I don't have any family nearby. Friends are helpful but it's a different league with their well behaved singletons.

I'm just looking to see if anyone just hates it. Am I thr only one who haye parenting and is absolutely full of rage with them? I feel like such a failure but I can't control my anger at all

And to add potty training was probably the single most stressful thing I've done with them. It was hardcore! Being in the thick of this will also push your stress levels through the roof!

You say you've no family nearby but you're in a time of need. Can one of them travel and come and help you for a bit? I'd do it for a sibling or friend. You've recognised you're struggling which is the first step. Don't try and struggle even more.

These are some really great suggestions!! Thank you!! I'm going to buy a stash of new toys for entertainment and hope for the best

Yes I think I could probably ask my dad to help at weekends. I just have no where for them to stay except the couch so feel bad...but at times I hit rock bottom and just want my old life back. It feels awful I'm in mourning for my old life, cause obviously I'd be devastated if anything happened to my boys, I just struggle so much parenting them and these toddler years are unbearable

This is when I've noticed the rage get to another level. I'm constantly anxious and stressed since we started a month ago and I think it's honestly pushed me over the edge doing it, even though we've largely cracked it

Hi
I have no real words that may help- just know you aren't alone!

I have twin boys who are also 2.5 and exactly the same as you've described. I'm a solo Mum and though I do love them dearly..:. It's hard work and I crave any time I can get to myself.

Accept any help you can get, whether it's from your Dad or a friend who might help even if it's for an hour or so so you can put some headphones in and do some housework or something in the background in relative peace.

I'm assured that we will feel smug in a year or so when our twins happily entertain one another a little more so we don't have to be quite so manic! Unless you've had twins you'll never understand just how full on it is to have two at the same age and having to do everything twice.

It's brutal isn't it? I just wish I enjoyed spending time with them but I literally dread every second I'm with them. Feels like it's one thing after another! Wishing away the days until they sit and play video games 24/7!

I felt the same, I think when you are already operating at maximum capacity it is another layer of stress you just don't need. You have done brilliantly to crack it after a month! One of my boys had to go back into nappies to try again a few weeks later. It's very difficult trying to get 2 on the toilet at virtually the same time as I found when one went the other would also need to go. They also had a knack of getting to the potty before me and helpfully trying to empty it down the toilet for me, the reality being it went everywhere! I can almost laugh about it now but at the time felt like I was losing my mind. As much as it pains me to say it time is the only thing that helps. I also think speaking to other twin mums going through also helps to feel like it's not just you! I met another twin mum at a local twin group with twin boys a similar age to mine and it's been a godsend having someone that understands and we can moan together! I know you mentioned you work full time but maybe you could track down your local group and see if there is any support they can offer if you don't have the time to physically go to a group - I know this is just another thing to add to your to do list but I find this friendship very important to me and my ability to cope! Happy to chat whenever you need to offload because it's hard when no one around you really understands how challenging parenting twins can be xx

I was thinking about this thread earlier and wondered if it would be worth you looking into whether you have a HomeStart in your local area. They don't operate where I am, but in the next county over I have a twin friend and they would have a volunteer (DBS checked etc) who would come and sit with her twins (whilst she was in the house) to give her some breathing space, or just to help them get out of the door in the morning!

My two get on well, but also squabble and fight for attention. I find if I tell one off for doing something, the other one will do the exact same thing his brother has been told off for! Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad.

You are doing so well having nearly cracked potty training! I'm nowhere near, my two are showing some signs but if I'm completely honest, I'm not mentally ready to crack on with it.

Echo what previous poster said about finding a local twin group, I don't go to them anymore because like you I work FT but I am in the WhatsApp group and sometimes they share some helpful info.

Also, another Godsend was cutting my hours very slightly at work, working slightly longer days and having one day off in the week. I still send my twins to preschool but that day gives me a chance to reset and breathe and genuinely I look forward to seeing them at the end of the day.

Find a fenced park.

Go there and let them run around until they're done. Take a few balls.

I don't mean this in a depressing way - stop trying to enjoy it. It's hard work and you're being a superhero. Solo parenting and potty training two year olds while working full time with a sick husband and no support is about as hard as it gets. You're practically holding up the empire state building with your little finger here. It's heroic.

But not often fun. I think you're finding it harder because you're thinking other people are finding it fun. The twin mums I know felt like they were missing out a bit because there's so little brain space. It's really hard. There are twin parenting groups, have you looked them up?

I'd definitely ring your dad and anyone else who could come. They won't mind the sofa or could bring an airbed or whatever. You need support. Talk to work - could you have some compassionate leave here and there to hold your sanity together?

I found DC much easier in chunks from where you are. 3 easier than 2.5, 3.5 easier again, from 4 onwards a lot less dependent. You're nearly there and you're doing amazingly. But you need to make a bit of space for yourself or you'll burn out.

OP this is such a rubbish situation for you. I think the mothers help sounds like a great idea.
This won't be what you want to hear and might not be financially viable, but I have 2 with a small age gap and they are genuinely better the more time I spend with them. They used to do nursery full time (7.30 - 6pm) and I absolutely hated the hour at home before bed and then the weekends. I couldn't cope at all. I got a new job which has flexibility, and I now pick them up at 3.30 and also have a Friday off with them. I was absolutely dreading it but they're better behaved and I'm finding it easier...I don't know how to explain it. Like being with them more makes being with them easier? Still hard but more bearable! I don't know if anyone else has found that.
I also sacked off loads of housework and do bathrooms etc much less often, anything to make life easier.

Similar boat here OP. I'm a single parent with a 3 year old, an almost 2 year old, a 10 year old and I work 4 days. It's fucking relentless. I don't think people fully grasp how absolutely and completely relentless and exhausting it is. On Sunday I quite literally didn't sit down or eat for 12 hours straight. It's crazy.

My advice would be to lower your expectations of yourself accept it for the shitshow it is. It won't be like this forever, and nobody is going to call social services about the odd missed bath or extra hour of Blippi. Take the path of least resistance as much as possible and be kind to yourself. You're dealing with a lot.

When your house is upside down, you're simultaneously trying to cook dinner/load the washing machine/do some urgent admin and the kids are whacking each other over the heads with toy cars/pooing on the carpet or whatever, just try to take a step back and go ok, this is what's happening, I can't change it, so how can I get through it without losing my shit?

Big hugs op. Being a parent to one toddler at a time is hard work never mind 2. I have 2 young boys 5 and 2.4 who don’t stop from morning til night. If you have your own garden and secured gate let them run riot in the garden while you sit by the door or window with a cuppa, book, scrolling on your phone. Wellies and wet suits at the ready lol

Thanks so so much everyone. I fully expected people to tell me there was something wrong with me for feeling how I did and I need to sort myself out, so it's lovely everyone is being so kind and understanding. I am part of the local twins club and WhatsApp group, but they are all absolutely loving it? I've tried posting struggles but honestly none of them get it, they are a rare bread! I'm not sure if that's reality, but it doesn't help add to the guilt and hate towards myself for not enjoying this more or coping better.

I could probably ask to reduce some time at work, even just temporarily, to help have some me time. Unfortunately I live in a flat with no outside space, but can take them to the local park. The potty training has just made everything so much for effort too!

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that! They don't have your specific set of circumstances and your children so maybe they are all loving it but that doesn't make you a crap parent for finding it hard. Their time will come 😂 focus on doing whatever you can that will make your life even slightly easier. Survival is the aim of the game at the moment, it won't always be like this and you are going to have millions of enjoyable moments with them in the future. I honestly don't know how you haven't lost the plot already! Be kind to yourself xxx

I really don't think anyone enjoys every aspect of being a parent.

It's expected to say you love it, they're your world etc but I'd say most women, when it comes down to it, have a complex mix of emotions that mixes a bit of resentment, anger, boredom in there with all the rainbows and cuddles. Partly because modern parenting is an isolated business, all the more so for you because of your circumstances.

You can be a bit Buddhist about it - like Buddhists don't hunt after happiness, they just exist and take things as they come, you can accept that parenting is what you're doing and there will be times that are hard and times that are less hard.

Having a break is good for you, but time with kids also builds your confidence and rapport with them. Don't fall into thinking 'I'm not good at this'.

There are loads of books about finding motherhood a mixed experience. I love making babies by Anne Enright.

It might be that those other mums just aren't your natural gang, some of us have a bit more shade mixed in with the light and aren't always doing the focus on the positive, aspirational social media posts type of thing. It's fine, people are different.

Thank you both!

Hi @BoyTwinMum24 jist wondered how things are for you now? I hope things have settled down and life is calmer for you x

Not sure if this has been mentioned, but, an idea... in addition to the mother's help, do you have a reliable teenager locally who could pop in at the weekend ad hoc? I sometimes text one of our neighbour's teenage daughters to ask if she'd like to come round if she's free. (I agreed it all with her mum first). I pay her (but obviously less than I would a nanny) and she'll read / play with my two while I cook dinner, etc. It's often just an hour, but can make a huge difference. My family also live far away so I've had to build our village!!