Hating and struggling with the toddler stage

[BoyTwinMum24]

Hi. I am not sure if this is the right place to post so I'll try a couple of threads. And I realise I'm opening myself up to a lot of abuse and attack, but I'm at rock bottom so nothing left to lose.

I have 2 twin boys who are 2.5yrs old. They are wild, full of energy. Generally they are pretty good, but as you'd expect as toddlers are often pushing the boundaries of throwing things/food, jumping off things etc. My husband isn't well so has been staying in hospital for a long time and so I have had to take the load a lot at home. And I'm utterly exhausted and constantly angry. The rage is getting off the scale now. I have never, nor don't think, I'd ever hurt them physically, but am very rough with them and scream and shout a lot. I absolutely hate parenting them and often think back to how easy life was pre kids. I believe I love them, but it is buried so deep I just constantly feel angry and dread spending time with them. I work full time and they are in nursery full time so it's only weekends when I have them, but I absolutely dread every second of it. I tried therapy but I didn't click with the person. I just am a loss. I don't have any family nearby. Friends are helpful but it's a different league with their well behaved singletons.

I'm just looking to see if anyone just hates it. Am I thr only one who haye parenting and is absolutely full of rage with them? I feel like such a failure but I can't control my anger at all

Sorry, no advice just giving you a hopeful bump.

You have a huge amount on your plate - two energetic toddlers and doing everything solo at the moment is a huge amount of work! It's absolutely no wonder you're running on empty. Do you get any time to yourself to just relax?

Sending you a big hug🌸

Sending you a huge hug. Having twin boys and a husband in hospital, while working full time, is a lot to handle and I can understand why you are feeling that way. Do you have any family close by that could help?

I'm in a similar spot. My daughter is 2 years and 2 months. While I only have 1 I stay at home with her full time. Parts I love, but a lot of it I hate. And while I love my daughter more than anything, there are times where I try to do something for myself, and every single time she wont let me. And every single time it frustrates me to the point of rage. I know it's not her fault, and I know I shouldn't react that strongly. I have no help with her, no time to de-stress, and no comfort from anyone to tell me I'm not a complete failiure. So trust in that you are not alone. We love, we live, we try to survive. And we hope we do just enough to not ruin more lives then our own in the process.

That sounds bloody hard . It will get easier when they get to school but in the mean time.

I'd aim for a consistent routine to make sure they are not getting bored - set meal times, outings , structured play, free play , bedtime etc.

I'd get out the house both days- park, soft play etc burn energy

Any family who can help?
Could you reduce your hours . You could try to snatch a day or half day to your self to catch up/recharge

Thanks so much. Unfortunately no time to myself between working full time, looking after them and hospital visits. I have used all my annual leave on childcare etc too 😫

Thank you. Unfortunately not, they are all a couple of hours away!

Gosh your message resonates with me to much. I have no idea how you do it, no way I could be a sahm, you're incredible. 2 days at the weekend and I'm tearing my hair out (literally, the stress is making my hair fall out in clumps). I hope your partner helps (if you have one)?

That's really helpful, thank you. I've just don't potty training so there's been a lot of staying in the house which hasn't helped at all! Unfortunately no family nearby, I have local mum friends but no one I could leave them with. I've thought about reducing my hours, it's just tough with the nature of the job and really need the money!

I had this too- albeit ten years ago. I hired a nanny as j earned well back then, godsend. I would've had a breakdown otherwise.
You need help. Can you afford a sitter or childminder for a few hours ?

I did hit them in rage once and my ds still has the scar.

They are lovely teenagers now but I recall with horror the toddler stage, sending hugs

That sounds so difficult! I’d recommend taking them out for a long walk / balance bike then park, then lunch then nap. They have lots of energy and you need to thoroughly tire them out!

then let them into the garden after nap time, nice bath.

The more aggro you get the more they will get too….and of course make sure they’re eating plenty at regular times so they don’t get hangry.

It is exhausting though. Toddlers are cute but such hard work!

I really think finding a nanny for the weekends might be the answer. I just can't cope with them anymore!

Maybe get a nanny to help but if you only look after them at weekends it’s a shame for them if you aren’t spending time with them. A nanny is a good idea if it helps and lets you have one on one time with each one.

I'm in the trenches with you. Mine are 3 and 18months. I work part time 2 days so I'm somewhere between a SAHP and a WP. My DH is away a lot for chunks of time and I've no family nearby to help either.

When it was just me and the eldest, I loved it, but now there's the two of them and they just launch themselves at each other it's constant and I never have time to get anything done and they wrestle argue hair pull thump. Someone is always unhappy! Often me 🤣 One of them had a bloody nose last week, the other responible 🙈😫

I have realised that since the second arrived, I've been constantly on edge and definitely become less playful than I was and I wonder if this is impacting on behaviour from them both and my stress levels. Obviously it's not the same as having twins! So I've been trying to factor in time to just join in and be more playful with them both and I find it definitely helps my stress levels, and theirs too. They always laugh more when I'm playful with them. Do you think similar might work for you?

Other things that help (me and them) is having regular activities/classes/playgroups to go to, loads of snacks for wherever we are, and planning meals around our activities e.g. using a slow cooker so that dinner is ready as soon as we walk in. The night before, I always think what we will do the next day and mentally have a plan even if it's just go to the park or go to the library. It's a plan, however vague, and it has room to flex.

Playful, preparedness and flex. And a solid bedtime routine.

Any chance you can take a day off while they are at childcare to have some you time?

It's a tough stage for sure.

I'm with you op...twin boys of a similar age with one older and it is hell. I don't have anything helpful to say. Sorry! People say it will get easier? We live in hope!

You need help. You're trying to do something impossible - no wonder you feel like you're drowning. It's too much for one person. If you don't get some help, you are going to get ill. Do you have any friends or family who can take some if the strain? Why is DH in hospital? How much longer will her be there and how much convalescence will he need once he comes home?

The plan cannot be that you just do everything yourself and burn out.

Could you get a mother’s help for the weekends? You still be around but you’d have an extra pair of hands, help with housework etc.

Not really to be honest. Most I have to sort myself. He works most of the time, but even on days where he is off I'm on my own. If i question it I usually get a "I work every single day. Not all of us gets to sit on our behinds all day long" kind of reply. hah..

@JumpstartMondays you are definitely right, playing with them helps loads. I just feel so incredibly exhausted all the time and feel like I'm running around sorting stuff, emptying potties, stopping someone killing themselves or the other one, playing is the last thing on my mind. But I really need to try better. I probably should think about a day to myself. The issue is nearly all my AL has gone on childcare and I'm trying to keep some for when husband comes home!

@louem pray daily it will get better and constantly wish the time away

@OneTwoTen he has crones and a blood disorder so will likely live in hospital for most of the rest of 2024 whilst they get in under control. Just not sure how I'll get through another 4 months tbh

@rainallnight I need to try and investigate this mothers help. Sounds ideal

Thanks so much everyone for being so helpful and kind

From someone who works full time I can tell you working is a trillion times easier than parenting. You're incredible. I now get the Friday dread rather than the Sunday dread!

I also have twin boys that are almost 3.5 years and they are exhausting! I'm a lone parent with no family help and my life consists of stressful school runs, work, another stressful school run, trying to cook tea whilst responding to a million demands then wrestling them into bed. Trying to stop them killing themselves or each other, fed and trying to keep the house in one piece takes up all of my time and energy. I know mine are much better when I sit and play with them, I have to try really hard not to think about the million and one other things I should be doing and just focus on them. It's hard. You are doing amazingly juggling everything, do whatever you need to do to get through this tough stage. They won't be 2.5 forever and your partner will hopefully be home soon and things will settle down. Sending you lots of solidarity xx

Wow how amazing are you! Please tell me it at least gets a bit easier as they get older?! I'm really not sure I can do another year of this.

Solidarity as I also have 2 year old twins and am constantly knackered.

Just a thought, have you contacted the Twins Trust helpline? They might be able to offer you some practical support.

@mrswilfred hugs to you! I haven't, made I should call them...that's a good idea

Unusual advice here, but if you can't get their behaviour under control then spoil them. Let them do all things that are considered parenting taboos (screen time, tons of toys, junk food etc). This was the strategy that got me through the final months of the covid lockdowns. I was trapped indoors with a toddler and remember that feeling of pure rage and being out of control. Then I came to the conclusion that if I took a fraction of the money I would be spending on therapy as a budget for toys and games, it would essentially have the same effect. As long as DD was happy and occupied, it gave me space to recover.

Allowing a child to watch a few hours of kids videos on a tablet is far better than trying to entertain them screen free and eventually snapping and hitting them. Letting them have an extra ice lolly while you take a rest is not going to lead to obesity or health problems down the road. From the child's POV, they probably think it's fantastic.

What I did was scour Pound Shops, discount shops, Primark, Action, TJ Maxx and the sales section of big supermarkets. I would pick up all the heavily discounted toys that could possibly interest DD and just use that for entertainment. You can get things like stickers, activity books, cheap shampoos/creams for making potions, off brand play doh, blind boxes, fidget toys for very little money. If you're lucky, some places also do heavy sales on Legos, Duplos or plenty of brand name stuff. Especially during the season switchovers (Jan-Feb/July-Aug) where they need to clear the shelves for new collections. Temu is also brilliant for cheap toys.

If you feel your mental health is starting to reach a brink, take out a toy from the stash and use that to defuse the situation. If you need to cook in peace, let them watch Cocomelon, Blippi, toy unboxings or any videos that would keep their attention. Let them watch TV while eating. Right now you just need to survive and any means is justified. As I mentioned before, the alternative is you snapping completely. The toddler years are gruelling but pass by quickly and whatever you do now will have zero lasting impact on them once they are older and also when your husband is back in the picture.

@BoyTwinMum24 I get it wrong more than I get it right but you just have to keep plodding on. Admittedly some days are easier than others - thankfully! I'm also peri menopausal and that is deffo causing me the most problems at the moment. I remember from 2 years onwards things were really tough, I have cried many tears along the way but yes things do get easier. It sort of creeps up on you in my experience rather than an overnight miracle but it does happen. The challenges change, as wild as they are now I do think they are getting a bit easier. They started pre school 3 weeks ago and they are playing so much more independently and for longer, I've also learnt not to get involved in every squabble as alot of the time they can sort it out between themselves. Mine need to be busy all of the time, they are like a pair of whirlwinds and nothing is safe from them but I am learning to live with the chaos and not constantly be tidying and nagging them. I am trying to say yes more than no where I can rather than thinking of all the work they are creating for me when they decide to dig up the mole holes in the garden and tramp mud everywhere! I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff - it's not easy though! I think dropping standards and remembering they are only little for a very short time (I know it doesn't feel that way) is the only way to survive! I have had alot of help and support from my health visitor and local authority regarding support with parenting - maybe your area offers something similar - it has really saved my sanity. Good luck, it will get easier xx