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7 year old screams, worries neighbours and lodgers

27 replies

Glittercloud17 · 19/09/2024 22:05

I don’t know how to handle my child sometimes. She is wonderful and loving - I know it’s me who can’t handle the responsibilities of parenting .

she whines and moans *a lot. She has 10 minute homework to do but will prefer to whine and cry for an hour, instead of 10 minutes doing it. Then when she has worked herself into a fizz, she will shout the house down. This is becoming an impossible situation. We have lodgers that help pay the house bills but I worry they think I am abusing her (the lodgers never come out of their rooms so we don’t have a relationship with them). I have occasionally had to apologise about the noise. She will also scream and shout in the garden when the neighbours are out.

I want her to have freedom to go crazy in her house but I’ve asked my daughter so many times not to shout, it’s a house rule, but I cannot stop her unless she has no pressure to do homework. Of course we’ve had a whole month of relaxing and taking it easy over summer, so 10 minutes of homework is not a lot in my opinion (& according to the school).

I am in an impossible situation as I have pressure to earn money to pay the bills - I am a single parent with zero outside help and having lodgers is part of my hussle but I am always worried incase they or neighbours get the wrong impression about us. I’ve tried to explain this to my daughter to not scream the house down, but I think she thinks it’s a fun game to stop doing her homework.

to add to the pressure, by child needs me around her all the time, won’t leave me alone to work, wants story time, back scratches, water in the night, crafts after school, after dinner, hold her hand, I am exhausted. Being a parent is literally driving me potty.

I feel desperately stuck in a continuous loop of parenthood drudgery.

I know it’s unlikely anyone has tips on how to handle screaming child while trying to remain a calm and centrered parent but I’m hoping

OP posts:
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Geppili · 19/09/2024 23:38

How long have you had lodgers and how many?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2024 23:44

I want her to have freedom to go crazy in her house

What? Why should anyone "go crazy?" What does that even mean?

Your daughter has never been taught boundaries and self-control. This is a huge, huge problem. Your daughter is going to struggle massively as a teen and an adult if you don't help her learn how to manage her behaviour and emotions.

Glittercloud17 · 20/09/2024 00:24

”go crazy” means I want her to feel free and comfortable in her own home, and not be worried about the lodgers and neighbours. And I am sorry - she absolutely has been taught boundaries, as I said - this is my problem - not hers. She is well mannered and respectful apart from this aspect of avoiding homework as she’s found a trick by shouting in order to avoid doing it.

Your comment is hugely disrespectful. I’d appreciate you think carefully before you comment again, tarnishing her future with disastrous predictions.

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Glittercloud17 · 20/09/2024 00:29

I’ve had a lodger with us 3 years and another is recent. They haven’t really commented about it - say ‘don’t worry’ if I’ve raised it.

but it does worry me. Had another big chat about it with my daughter tonight. I don’t know if I’m any closer.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2024 00:37

She is well mannered and respectful apart from this aspect of avoiding homework as she’s found a trick by shouting in order to avoid doing it

If ever there were a contradictory statement, it's this. There is no "apart" when it comes to being well mannered and respectful. This behaviour is so extreme you are worried what the neighbours and lodgers think. That's not normal. When she behaves this way, what consequences does she face?

Then when she has worked herself into a fizz, she will shout the house down. This is becoming an impossible situation.

She does not have self-control. She is not able to regulate her emotions and this is something you are taught.

I’ve tried to explain this to my daughter to not scream the house down, but I think she thinks it’s a fun game to stop doing her homework.

This is not the behaviour of a well mannered child, especially one who is seven years old. She's not a toddler.

INeedAnotherName · 20/09/2024 00:44

She might have been taught boundaries but you are not enforcing them. What are the consequences if she refuses to do her homework or screams so loudly that she disturbs the neighbours?

TheShellBeach · 20/09/2024 00:45

Your comment is hugely disrespectful. I’d appreciate you think carefully before you comment again, tarnishing her future with disastrous predictions

I think the PP was spot on, actually.
If you don't give your DD boundaries, she will definitely struggle in the future.

What consequences do you give her when she screams and shouts? That behaviour needs to be knocked on the head.

TheShellBeach · 20/09/2024 00:48

"Go crazy” means I want her to feel free and comfortable in her own home, and not be worried about the lodgers and neighbours

FGS she needs to learn consideration for other people.
You're teaching her to be self- centred and selfish.

FS90 · 20/09/2024 00:53

I agree with other posters, I think this sounds like a problem with your parenting. If you don’t agree then perhaps you need to speak to her GP as this doesn’t sound at all normal for a child her age

Anisty · 20/09/2024 00:57

She's 7. A long chat and discussion are not necessary at that age. She is pushing you to find out where the boundaries are.

Just simple "No, pack that in" is enough. You can even do the old line of 'because i said so"

Practise a stern voice and a stern face in your mirror before you try it. You need to look and sound serious. You deliver the message and you walk away.

I actually would leave the homework up to her. Dont fight that battle. She faces the consequences (if any) at school from her teacher for work not done.

If you stun her into silence by your new tactic, return to her quite quickly (2 mins max) and change your tone into "my goodness! That is lovely and quiet! I am so pleased with you!

Ask her if she can play a little game of you set the timer for 5 mins and she's to be quiet (give her a visual aid/stopwatch/sandtimer so she can she the time count down)

You MUST be on time returning to her. Then reward her with a little game of Snap or Dobble or something where she has your time.

ImustLearn2Cook · 20/09/2024 01:40

@Glittercloud17 Don’t get caught up in parent shaming. You are doing the best that you can and it’s hard work being a parent. Don’t make it harder for yourself by taking on board any parent shaming criticism or being too hard on yourself.

My dd was absolutely like this around homework. At that age I didn’t push it. There isn’t much or any scientific evidence that homework at a young age is beneficial.

When she got older I did encourage her to sit with me and do homework. I asked her why she didn’t want to do homework and I listened. I tried to make homework less of a chore and more about the fun in learning and showing me what she is learning at school. Also, created a relaxed environment for homework. I found putting out yummy snacks to munch on while doing homework worked well for us. I also played relaxing instrumental music in the background and I gave her some squishy sensory toys like stress balls to help with feeling frustrated.

Also, I totally get how draining and exhausting it is to be never left alone. Try to find creative ways to redirect your daughter while you give yourself a tiny break. Play hide and seek and when it’s her turn to hide, count loudly while you make yourself a tea or coffee and pretend to look for her while you have a little break.

Here’s a little copy and paste about homework and I hope it makes you feel better or helps in some way:

https://parentingscience.com/homework-for-young-children/

In an online essay for Edutopia, 2nd grade teacher Jacqueline Fiorentino notes that homework “causes a lot of stress and fighting in most families.” It has the potential to turn young children against school. And kids “are are losing precious free time that could be used to engage in play and group activities like organized sports, music lessons, and clubs.”

Homework for young children: Is it worthwhile?

Some schools assign homework to children as young as 5 or 6. But there isn't any compelling research that homework for young children is helpful.

https://parentingscience.com/homework-for-young-children

Glittercloud17 · 20/09/2024 07:27

You remind me of those annoying little old ladies in supermarkets who point out to an overwhelmed mother her child is having a tantrum. Pointless and actually offers no help at all 👎🏾

NEXT! 😂

OP posts:
Glittercloud17 · 20/09/2024 07:29

How? I mean how am I actively teaching that? I need guidance and helpful advice. Kindness please as I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Glittercloud17 · 20/09/2024 07:31

Can I add please that I need guidance on how to help her see that homework is important, and distracting the situation my having a tantrum isn’t the way. She is a wonderful child in other areas - but here she’s found a trick (and she doesn’t do this for anything else).

OP posts:
Glittercloud17 · 20/09/2024 07:35

Thank you. This is so practical and knowledgable and not to mention kind 💝

I am completely overwhelmed with responsibilities right now. And I only want my daughter to learn as she is struggling academically. All this while trying to balance work and paying bills

OP posts:
Gazelda · 20/09/2024 07:40

If she's struggling academically, is that the reason why she is avoiding the homework? Her screaming is maybe telling you that she can't do the homework or it worries her or (maybe) she has dyslexia or other difficulty?

Geneticsbunny · 20/09/2024 08:20

I honestly wouldn't bother with homework at all for the time being. Try to sort out her needing you all the time first and then work on the homework once you have got to understand her a bit more. Does she literally need you to be playing with her the whole time or just in the same room?

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 20/09/2024 09:35

Op, you were really clear in your post you are at a loss. No one needs to jump on you for being in that place.

Ideas, strategies, parenting tips, neat things that someone else has discovered... We've all needed them and used them at some point or another.

None of us are a complete knowledge bank of an alternative approach to the one we're trying that isn't having the desired effect.

At no point op have you given any impression that you are settling for this, accepting this, tolerating this, oblivious to effects on others, not bothered to impress on your DD the importance of this, taken the oath of least resistance etc... You have done none of that...

But yet, you need fresh input. It's especially important when there is only one of you in the house who is an adult (lodgers irrelevant obvs) because often it's in the discussion of ongoing things that an 'ah-ha' moment happens, a 'why don't we give this a go...' type thing which only happens in a two-way dialogue.

When life is coming at you like a relentless conveyor belt and you don't have a sounding board, it's really hard to change tack and come back with something fresh to try.

Well done for seeking support op, and I'm sorry that you've had such a lot of criticism which could certainly have been offered more constructively. You asked because you cared and want to find a solution.

Of course we haven't seen this dynamic at play which would help for suggestions, but personally, I'd be looking to have a conversation not in the heat of the moment where you set the basic 'homework isn't optional and we can both agree on that' baseline and then move on to questions like, would you rather get up earlier and do it before school? Does it help if I do some work at the same time so there is a school-like working atmosphere... Etc

Adding in, the screaming must stop, if that happens again this (xyz) will be the punishment (something that she cares about but isn't her emotional security, so her gadgets but not her security blanket).

My DD is a bit like this, she hates doing homework when she's interrupted and told to do it cos she can't switch her focus quickly from one task to another.
She will do it happily if the day before, or earlier in the day, I say things like 'we'll get home from school, have a snack and then do ten minutes of homework, after that we'll walk the dog and you can chill out while I cook tea...'
She likes to have a mental map of her day, even when she 'knows' homework needs doing she hates it being mentioned on the spur of the moment.
Which is frustrating from another person's perspective cos it's necessity is inevitable so entirely expected... But to her she feels it is sprung on her (and she's too young to take her own responsibility for it yet, so it's on me to make sure it happens).

I'm similar though, and when I was a kid I liked to get up early and do it before school, so I could get home from school and switch off.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 20/09/2024 09:39

Homework from a young age is as much about the making the habit of doing a bit at home feel familiar, as it is about the task itself, so it's less of a shock when they go to secondary.

@ImustLearn2Cook's post was fab.

If something happens that's great, but what makes her tick is more key cos that's what will provide the blueprint for the strategies that work for her as she moves up in her education.

Spenditlikebeckham · 20/09/2024 09:42

Maybe tell her if the ndn rings the police she can tell them why she can't stfu... She's 7 not 3...

TheShellBeach · 20/09/2024 10:15

Glittercloud17 · 20/09/2024 07:27

You remind me of those annoying little old ladies in supermarkets who point out to an overwhelmed mother her child is having a tantrum. Pointless and actually offers no help at all 👎🏾

NEXT! 😂

You need to quote people when you're replying, OP.
Nothing makes sense otherwise.

FarmersWife3 · 20/09/2024 10:21

I know i'm in the minority, but if homework is becoming such a battle, i wouldn't put any pressure on to do it when she is only 7. My DS10 was similar- he could have meltdowns which were VERY loud (not over homework), and i'm glad we don't have close neighbours! Only now, in Yr6, is he knuckling down and in the right frame of mind to see that homework is part of what he needs to do. DS7 does do homework willingly, sometimes, and i encourage it, but i wouldn't be spending ages making a big thing of it.

If your DD likes being with you and doing stuff, then i'd focus more on reading together, learning through play. All schools want them to read. Could you incorporate some of the homework in the play sessions you have together - don't frame it as 'homework'- see what the homework is, and try to work this into an activity during the week, like making models or writing lists.

Some kids are loud, and struggle to regulate emotions (like my DS), and unfortunately, your lodgers/neighbours will have to appreciate this - you are doing your best! No-one is going to arrest you for trying to get a child to do homework! I also get that you want your child to be 'free' in their own home - i'd want this too, and really feel for you having to work around lodgers, but remember it is your home, and if they don't like it, then they can move out! (I'm sure others will disagree with my views though!)

stillsleeptraining · 20/09/2024 10:22

Ignore the eejits telling you to be stern. Sometimes I wonder what kind of children these people have/had if that's all it takes.

She obviously needs some support to form good habits and has some emotional needs. We have this. It's up and down but what I've found most helpful is to think about the emotional state you want her to be in - calm, empowered, happy.

I read a lot about helping anxiety and a lot was about getting them to feel in control. She can control when and where she does it. Get her to make the decision and say you trust her. And if it doesn't work one day, ask her to think why and get a solution. This is about building skills for life, not just finishing the worksheet.

It might be her confidence so lots of "wow, that was so easy for you! What!" And talk about what she can do.

Good luck! It's a living hell sometimes isn't it!

Titsonboard · 20/09/2024 10:30

Do you have a library or similar near your home, could you go there to do the homework? Break the cycle of her being able to kick off because she’s at home and feels safe to react even for a while just to get into a new good habit?

KnickerlessParsons · 20/09/2024 10:41

"Go crazy” means I want her to feel free and comfortable in her own home, and not be worried about the lodgers and neighbours

Well that's ridiculous. We all have to worry about our neighbours, and other people in the house, be they lodgers, friends or relatives.

You need to set rules for your DD. You'll find she'll be much happier with rules. All humans are.

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