Riled by MIL!

[KristyG]

Looking for advice as a new mum and dealing with MIL.

She is a very kind woman and has always made a big effort with me but since our baby was born a few months ago she has been leaving me feeling frustrated and a bit down.

She is always immaculate and her house is pristine which is absolutely fair enough. I am not like that and I am just getting fed up of the nit picking around my baby. More and more frequently there has been comments about his clothes not matching, she made a big fuss the other day as his white socks were different and thought it was hilarious. He had a red mark on his head from being in the carrier with me and this was of course a big deal and when I said it’ll fade in half an hour she said after ten minutes “well it’s been 30 minutes and the marks still there”. The other day we went for coffee and mine spilled on the pram and left a mark. The day after I bumped into her friends in the park and said excuse the coffee mark it’s needing cleaned, she then brought it up yesterday saying her friends commented on the mark and she said one of them actually stood up for me saying she won’t have time to clean it straightaway . She of course then proceeded to say she couldn’t believe I hadn’t cleaned it straightaway. I also feel she ignores my wishes for the baby, he had finally got to sleep in his car seat and I told her this as I brought him in and she straightaway started talking to him and he woke up and unsurprisingly cried. She is wanting to see me quite a lot in the week and I understand she wants to see her grandson but it’s my first baby, I’m trying to find my feet and just feel it’s too intense. My partner is very defensive of his mum and when I’ve broached the subject I am very quickly shot down. Don’t know what to do

Dear me - these blooming MILs - I am a MIL but have always trodden gently with my family. You will have to let her comments wash by you - there is no other way. But you can set boundaries about how often you see her.

Thank you for advice. I feel bad at the same time as she’s a lovely lady but being a new mum I’m extra sensitive I suppose!

If your dp is defensive then that's a problem in itself, he should have your back.

However you're going to have to find your voice and stand your ground.
Don't see her unless you want to.
Tell her that her constant criticism makes you feel undermined and you will be visiting less if it carrys on.
And you'll dress your baby how you want and clean the pram when it suits you.

She can back her truck right up. She sounds passive aggressive af.

He is the problem. If he won't have you back or prefers to keep out of it, the you'll have to stand up for yourself. I'm from a family with an old fashioned mindset of the mother is the boss where the children are concerned.

Set some boundaries. This will allow you to settle and still keep good relationships with your MIL.

I remember when my MIL came and stayed with us when my child was born. She would wake her up whenever she feels like playing with her. That was really disturbing her sleep and then she leaves crying baby with me. I was very direct with have after few occurrence and I use to keep my bedroom door closed when my child was sleeping. Then MIL would call someone and talk very loudly so baby will wake up and cry. I wanted to breast feed my child. My MIL constantly keep telling me I can't breast feed, that will never be enough for the child. I checked with my doc and child was doing well with the milk she was getting. I had a daily comments that I'm not feeding well. Once she forced my child to drink formula milk. That when I was really annoyed. So she started calling others in family and telling them that I wasn't doing it right. Everyone family member was explaining her that breastfeeding is the best thing. I wasn't getting enough sleep, no time for shower or sit and have tea. This was going on for a month. I had to put my foot down. At the end of a month she wanted to extend her ticket so she could stay. I didn't encouraged the conversation at all and she left after a month. Be firm after certain point.

Thank you, that sounds incredibly tough and frustrating. Shows how important boundaries are

I think if you don't put boundaries in place now, she will continue to ride roughshod over your parenting. Limit visits, don't be so available. Cut her off every time she criticises or change the subject. Why are these women like this? I wouldn't dream of behaving like it. It's so weird. Also, you need to speak to your husband. He is also a problem if he hasn't got your back.

OP, I don’t think you are being over sensitive. You are a new mum doing your absolute best and your MIL is making you feel bad about yourself. I would create some space between you and MIL. I suggest that each time she makes a rude comment or puts you down, you find and excuse to walk away and end the visit. This will leave her reflecting on whether or not she had been rude and it gives you some control over the situation. If she asks you whether something is wrong, then just tell her directly that you feel hurt/uncomfortable about what seems like criticism when you are doing your best and doing a great job at that.

I will never forget my MIL telling me my baby’s blanket was ‘grubby’. Little comments like that can cut deep because you care so much about doing a good job for your baby. I wouldn’t put up with it.

Don’t see her as much and when you do see her laugh at her comments - no matter how much they get to you.
“you are funny MIL- it’s been so long since you had a baby in your life you’ve forgotten how hard it is! “ on
repeat .

Every single time she says something respond back without a filter.

If that doesn't work then talk to her about it away from the moment. Be open and say how you feel in reaction to what she is saying.

I'd be taking a huge step back from meeting / seeing her without your DH

I think you have to realise that you’re a mother now, and in the trenches a bit, so you’re going to have to be a bit less polite and a bit less concerned about what she thinks of you. Your opinions and wants are more important as far as your life and child are concerned so don’t be afraid of being blunt and assertive.

“Sorry Jill the baby’s sleeping now and I want some headspace.”
“Yes, I know, but I couldn’t be bothered, it’s not my priority at the moment - you’re welcome to get the vanish and clean it if you like.”
”I’m not as bothered as those things as you are Jill. I’m actually too tired to think about it.”

Be casual and bright and breezy, but stick to your boundaries and make it very clear that you’re in the driving seat - not her.

Be less available.. Word it as getting to classes etc as it's best for the baby. Even if you re sat at a mate's house or in Costa! Invite her round when your dh is home only . It isn't your job to host his dm. When he gets fed up of coming in from work to her there he will speak up.

Firstly see her when you want to, it doesn’t matter what she wants. What’s most important is what’s best for you and the baby, and it’s not helping the baby to have a stressed and criticised mum. The easiest thing to do would be to be less available.

If you want to confront her just ask, is there a reason you keep criticising me? you could add after she answers that you’re finding it difficult that she’s constantly making negative comments. It’s hard to argue with someone who just calmly tells you you’re hurting their feelings and asks you to think about your actions.

or you could make a ‘joke’ and tell her that you must love your baby more than she loved hers since you’re prioritising him, and his needs, over other peoples concerns about coffee marks or whatever.. we all make different choices I guess mil. Then just make it a running ‘joke’ oh gosh mil poor dh I’ll have to ask him if you ever spent any time at all with him, from the sounds of it you were constantly cleaning. Oh mil your poor dc, dressed up like perfect dolls, were they ever allowed to play? She’ll probably get bored of the joke and stop commenting.

She doesn't sound that lovely. She sounds critical and mean. And waking the baby - wtf??

You have a h problem too. You and he need to be singing from the same hymn sheet. He should be supporting you.

Tbf I've this thing were I can't have y children or myself in odd socks.
I just can't see why socks can't be paired..
Matching pjs also a must.
Clothes as long as they go together it's ok.
Coffee spillages- cause of the milk content I'd of cleaned it with a wipe until I got home, then used a damp cloth.

I'd I was your friend, I'd have helped you out, not shamed you.
What's that saying...
"Be that girl that fixes another woman's crown without telling the world it was crooked "

@PolePrince55

Umm… no, there is nothing about what the OP is doing that needs to be fixed. Odd socks and mismatched pjs do not matter one jot. These things do not impact the baby at all. A little coffee mark is not going to matter either. This presents as prioritising impressing others over what really matters