Friends and children

[MommaOfGirlz]

My friend always wants to meet me without my children.

My children are under 10, friends child is an adult now. I always had time for my friend when their child was small and would never avoid meets because of their child but I feel friend is doing it with me.

I do see friend without my children sometimes however I can't always do it childfree as childcare is very difficult for me and needs to be meticulously planned. I've given dates I can do weeks and months in advance but friend has days already booked up.

As of this last year my friend has avoided meeting me if I've got my children. I've invited friend to my home as the children will be entertaining themselves mostly and I know friend goes to others homes as friend will send me photos of themself with other friends and their children.

I've even brought up if my children are too much and friends says if anyone ever says that they are not worthy of being in my children's lives. So I just don't get it.

She didn't actually answer the question though, it could be that she does find them hard but also thinks she's at fault for feeling that way - do you think your children are full on?

It's possible they are too much for her, at this point in time, not objectively too much. You are giving her the choice to see you less alone or see you more but with children, the only thing you can do is accept her decision or end the friendship.

Personally, I think ending a friendship instead of accepting a boundary isn't very nice of you. You don't need to get to the bottom of it either, just see her when it suits both of you.

Hmm. I've stopped seeing a friend of mine with her children, because they're badly behaved, monopolise the conversation, and me and my friend barely end up managing to catch up at all so it feels pointless.

Ooof. I have a young DC and I'm still on your friends side of this 😂

Catch up with friends are totally different with young children around. Especially if she has already been through parenting small children and come out the other side! I'd probably prefer a childless friends meet up about 10x more than one with DC around especially as he is a huge chatterbox these days and doesn't let anyone get a word in edgeways, but in a cute way which means I can't officially be annoyed 😅

It's also possible if she's meeting with others and their children, there's something in your kids/your parenting that brings up memories or anxiety. A good friend with an adult child mentioned to me she finds it hard because DC behaves so well when we're out, and she feels like she failed because her child never did that! Obviously she was just seeing a small part of our day but it was triggering.

I've even brought up if my children are too much and friends says if anyone ever says that they are not worthy of being in my children's lives. So I just don't get it.

She doesn't want to be in their lives, though, so reading between the lines, her answer seems to be that they probably are too much for her but that she's not trying to forge a relationship with them, so it doesn't really matter what she thinks about them.

It sounds like she wants a friendship with you still, but for whatever reason, doesn't like hanging out with your DC. It also sounds like she's trying to be diplomatic about it, so I suspect she does care about your feelings and doesn't want to offend or upset you.

Honesty, no, I don't think they are too much. They are good kids - except when tired they throw hissys but who doesn't.

They do make a fuss for the first few minutes but that's because they don't see my friend often and they adore my friend. After a few minutes though they tend to go off and play games/entertain themselves really.

It's only been this way the last 18 months.
I will still try and meet my friend of course without my children, but ultimately I have no grandparents, brothers, sisters, etc to watch them so I can go out. That's why I try and arrange dates in advance.

I have young kids and I'm also on your friend's side. Mine are reasonably well behaved in company but it still isn't the same with them there. Some of my friends' kids are awful when we meet up, hurting other kids, trying to be part of the adults' conversations, attention seeking all the time. It's even worse when they are teenagers as nothing you say will go over their heads so you have to watch your conversation. We have a mix of mostly childfree meet ups and some with the kids but one friend always wants her teenager and older child at everything.

Obviously I want to see my friend without my children, I do try to arrange meets

Our friendship is over 2 decades and while my children were under 5 my friend doted on them and couldn't get enough of them. In fact then it was me trying to get out without them then for some adult time 😆 . My friend is around children of the same age as mine.

But with my circumstances changing more recently, I can no longer go out as children's father is not here and I don't have family either. The transition from free bird to family to lone parent has taken its toll.