Health visitor made me cry

[Busylittlebebe]

I took my son (18m) the health visitor to be weighted and some advice. Firstly about his toe. In August a heavy bored fell on it and broke his toe nail. He was taken straight to hospital by myself and I felt awful about it the mom guilt was bad. For context I’d popped a heavy chopping board under the cupboards to stop my then puppy getting under the kitchen units. I completely forgot about it and it was never thought about. And yes it should have been moved but I never even remembered it was there. Lesson learn it’s gone. They made me feel tiny and awful and I was hot flustered and on the verge of crying. It doesn’t help that yesterday he fell over trying to get out into the garden. I had hold of one had he was holding the tripped and grazed his head. She and other health visitors said I should hold 2 hands out the door or pick him up. He’s never fell down before I. The 6 months he’s been walking but again yes lesson learned.
i also went to ask for any tips of brushing his teeth as he hates me and she said rey doing it while he’s in the bath. I said I don’t think that would work as he may hurt himself he looked at my like I was thick and asked “why would he hurt himself lovely” I explained if he was to throw himself back in the bath it could be dangerous. She asked if I have support at home. And made me feel like the world’s worst mom.

I have 3 children 15,9 &1. I’ve awakes considered myself to be someone with most of their shit together. We have a good routine, I clean around every evening and we do ok. Just a normal mom doing her best.
I am now petrified I’ve been judged and am going to have some kind of referral for support or something. (My sister lost her children from mental health issues) so the thought of involvement scares me. But it’s honestly not needed, I’m unsure what I want from this post but just needed an outlet that I’m not awful 😭

You made a mistake. A tiny one.

You don't need to beat yourself up about it.

Things happen, I put DD on the bed as a baby and she rolled off the bed and into an open drawer. Cut her nose, had to go to A&E as we thought it was broken. We were questioned etc. They do make you feel small, but I try and think that they must see some terrible abuse and are just doing their job.

Yes, ideally eyes on your child 24/7, as it takes a split second for something to happen- but it’s virtually impossible to do this in real life isn’t it. You can only do your best to mitigate any possible disaster scenarios with baby gates, ensuring you have those electric socket plugs so they can’t pop their fingers in and covering sharp furniture edges.

DD once ran into the dining table, cut her head open, blood everywhere, A&E again for glue/ stitches etc. Accidents happen and there’s only so much you can do.

It's damn near impossible to stop a small child hurting themselves.

I had twins and you only have to have your eyes off them for a second.

Honestly it sounds like neither you nor they did anything wrong, you're feeling raw about a few little and totally normal incidents and it's colouring how you feel about what they say.

Ime most patronising hv's don't have dc.

All children will have accidents at some point. It's a fact of life. Shrug it off.
It doesn't sound like the HV was overly accusatory. You sound oversensitive, perhaps caused by what happened to your sister. But you are not your sister and your kid is fine. They have to note incidents, and give advice to stop them happening again (even if you know it already from the natural consequences).

You were looking for reassurance and a hug, and she sounds like a more practical type, it sounds like she was giving advice to make sure it doesn't happen again. You already know how to prevent it happening again so it came across as patronising to you.

You just weren't on the same page although a better communicator would have read the room a bit better than she did.

Fwiw I don't think you need to hold both hands of an 18 mo if they've been walking for 6 months but perhaps she thought this type of advice is what you were seeking.

Fwiw I agree with you that if the child is likely to struggle then trying to brush their teeth in the bath is a terrible idea.

My tactic was to let DC watch a cartoon on my phone while I brushed... Not ideal parenting I'm sure but her teeth are in great condition 👍

These are perfectly normal bumps and grazes and you’ve done nothing wrong. It sounds like you were there with them both times and saw exactly what happened. It is simply not possible to catch your child every time. Besides which, it wouldn’t be healthy or normal to do so. Although accidents can be upsetting, children do have to fall in order to learn how to balance. I disagree that you should always hold both hands when moving around with them, children need to learn coordination and their own physical limitations so that their bodies can develop properly. I have followed this school of thought with both my children after reading some articles by Janet Lansbury eg about not “walking” your little one by holding their hands up, and not propping them to sit up but learning and (safely) falling down independently. It may be coincidental but both my children (now beyond toddler years) now appear to be well coordinated and are not accident prone unlike many of their peers.

also you are of course completely correct that a child who thrashes about on having their teeth brushed should not have a toothbrush foisted on them in a hard environment such as a bath where they could be injured. It is better after the bath possibly wrapped in a towel or on the bed, possibly made fun with a song or some chatter about how much food you can see in their mouths or some sort of nonsense.

Don't beat yourself up. When mine was a toddler he was like a mini wrecking ball and he was forever hurtling into things and hurting himself. It's normal - obviously you try to minimise it, but you can't wrap them up in cottom wool 24/7. It's how they learn what they can and can't do.

Mine also went through a phase of hating the toothbrush. We got him a flashing one and he liked doing it himself while watching in the mirror, and would then let me 'have a go' to go over them properly. Doing it in the bath is crazy though! Hard slippery surfaces are the last thing you need if he's struggling. Trust your instincts - he sounds like a totally normal little boy having totally normal little accidents.

There have to be some nice and pleasant HV out there but unfortunately all the ones I have met in their working capacity have been the people I would prefer to never see again.

Don’t worry about a one off injury but do consider complaining about her attitude. HVs need to massively improve or else there is no point having them when so many opt to avoid them where possible.

When DD2 was about 12 months old she got hold of a bottle of olive oil, held it upside down, opened it, slipped on the oil and hit the back of her head on the tiled floor. She had to go to A&E but was fine. I didn’t think the olive oil could be dangerous because it was a plastic bottle, never even thought about her being able to unscrew the top. All of this happened in about 30 seconds while I was getting the laundry out of the washing machine!

The point is you can’t always predict what kids will do and accidents happen, it’s part of life.

Suggesting your brush his teeth in the bath is the most ridiculous suggestion. A toddler that doesn't want their teeth brushed will thrash around and throw themselves backwards therefore putting them in a hard container with water in is a terrible idea. And you recognised that and they didn't. I have great respect for Health Visitors doing a hard job but that was not good advice.

The board on the toe was a mistake made in good faith whist trying to keep your puppy safe. The falling out the door thing is just one of those minor accidents that happen to toddlers all the time, not your fault. You are right about not upsetting your son in a bath full of water. Keep persevering with the teeth brushing pit of the bath. She should have understood you didn't want to brush them in the bath and offered another suggestion. She sounds patronising and horrible. This is your third child, I'm sure you know what you're doing!

If it makes you feel better, I have to brush my daughter's teeth in front of Mr Tumble and still need my wife to hold her arms down while I do it, otherwise the little sod grabs the toothbrush from me.

Honestly these things happen to kids, as I'm sure you knkw from the other 2.

The HV should be more supportive rather than making yiubfeel so anxious. Do you need tonsee then so kften? We barely saw one as my GP was without one for most of DS's early childhood and the stand ins were conspicuous by their absence.

Op, don’t beat yourself up.

Also, the bath advice sounds absurd to me and like a disaster waiting to happen as I have a little one who thrashes her head backwards when her teeth are brushed. But I have been given seriously questionable advice by my HV who I have actually corrected a few times. 🤦‍♀️ My first one was wonderful but I saw her for a very short time.

Please don’t worry, you’re doing a great job and little accidents happen at that age.

I have a 18 month old, in the last 2 days he’s fallen over (not really sure how) and banged his head and now has a lovely bruise on his forehead and then the following day I accidentally trapped his finger in a bin when I tried to stop him putting his hand in (he got a graze on his little finger). These things happen, they’re absolutely brutal at this age!

For tooth bushing my son likes to stand on a step at the bathroom sink (we already had the step for our 3 year old). If he stands on the step and I sing a little song about brushing teeth (one that my eldest learnt at nursery but I don’t actually know the words so just make up as I’m going along) then he’ll generally let me brush them most days. We do brush in the bath in an evening but only since he’s been happy with us doing it and sometimes we just end up giving him the toothbrush and he’ll just have a go himself which I think is probably better than nothing at all. Brushing his teeth at the same time as his older brother has also worked before as he likes to try to copy him so maybe you could try getting one of your other children to brush at the same time if you haven’t already tried that 🤷‍♀️

In my experience health visitors are next to useless and full of opinions rather than even following current guidelines/advise. Take anything they say with a pinch of salt.
Children hurt themselves, its inevitable and we do our best but we can't have eyes/hands on them every second of the day. You're not a bad mum, we learn from our mistakes but sometimes they're not even that!
Who holds 2 hands walking around with their child? Never even heard of that, kids trip/stumble.
My child slipped off a toddler sized chair but because she was holding a toy in her hand she couldn't catch herself and instead cut her head on the toy - I felt so guilty but its a pure fluke really.
Brushing your wet, slipperly toddlers teeth in a bath surrounded in a hard surface sounds dumb to me. Some kids might be happier doing it then if they are calmer while playing in the bath but I think you're right that if he jerks back he's more likely to hurt himself!

Thank you everyone, you are all so kind!! I’ve had the worst week and maybe it’s all caught up on me and I needed a good cry! My other son broke his collarbone as school last week and didn’t inform me he’d hurt himself so I never got him checked over as the school said it was nothing when I asked them what had happened 🤦🏻‍♀️ and my daughter came down Sunday morning and had dyed her hair blonde while I was asleep Saturday night 😭 so I spent 2 days finding a hairdresser to correct it (£100) and listening to her cry non stop as she had to go to school with blotchy yellow hair

My toddler tripped and bounced her forehead off a pavement the other night. They are just reckless at this age and if you are too risk averse they never learn, I did say to her slow down or you'll trip and she kept running off and then tripped. Please don't feel bad, you're clearly a great mum and care.