My daughters friend is dying

[Hannahandlucy]

My daughter is 9 years old and a boy in her class is having end of life care after a very aggressive brain tumour. This is the hardest thing I've ever encountered as a parent and having to watch the little boys parents going through this has been heartbreaking. I'm not sure how long he has left but I think it is imminent. How do I talk to my daughter about this, every time we bring up the subject about how ill he is she shuts off and changes the subject. Point blank refuses to engage. I think we need to prepare her but it'll break her little heart. Any advice?

So sorry to hear this, that poor child and his family. Very upsetting for all of his friends too. It sounds as if she’s blocking it out. Keep talking about it, she will open up eventually. Let her know you’re there so that when she is ready to let her emotions out she’ll come to you and talk.

It’s such a massive thing for adults to comprehend never mind children

when she’s ready you talk factually - do not use euphemism like gone to sleep etc

how he has had lots of medicine and treatment but it couldn’t make him better

that your DD should remember him and think of him - death sadly is a part of life and sadly children do die

when she’s ready, she’ll talk

I would have a chat with school. They are probably working on this, using resources etc. to help the class and friends. See what they are doing and tell.them.your daughter shuts down on the subject.

Have you a school photo of all the class you can get framed and let her have (whenever the time is right) so she always has a photo of him?

I often get out the class photo of our junior school to see a friend who died when we were 11.

Thank you for being such a considerate ,caring human. My son was 10 when he lost his older brother last year, having other parents like you undoubtedly made a difference to my son being able to cope at school. pls can I recommend you call Winston's Wish helpline, they will be amazing in helping you support your daughter xx

Dd lost a friend a couple of years ago she was only 15, so it was a little easier to talk about as she was that bit older. However DS new her to and he was only 11 and I didn't realise how hard he took it at the time as he went very quiet. He talked more to me after the funeral.

Speaking to school is a very good idea, try and talk openly and in plain language about what is happening. And reassure your child that they can ask you any questions they may have as well.

We went to the funeral which was very difficult but also a wonderful way to say goodbye as well.

Please don't try to force her to talk about it. She is protecting herself. You can talk about it in her hearing.

You can't prepare her for it. It is horrible and frightening. You can support her with it as it happens - that is very different.

Winston's Wish are very helpful, they produce guidance. Also speak to the school about what support they will be offering.

My DD lost one of her friends, aged 11. Parenting her through it and through the funeral was the hardest thing I’ve had to do as a mother. Happy to discuss offline, as I like to keep the family’s privacy in mind.

Get as copy of Badger's parting gift.
Have a look at Winston's Wish.
Ask the school what the plan is for when the inevitable happens.

Thank you everyone. This is so very hard, what that family is going through is so cruel. I'm trying not to push it too much, hopefully she will talk when she's ready. It's a hard one to navigate and the school haven't been in contact at all which I'm finding a bit strange. I know what's going on as I know the family very well but some of the kids in the class and their parents may be oblivious to how sick he really is.

You have to be led by the child…but don’t presume she will feel about it in the same way you do as you are seeing it from the perspective of a fellow mum. With similarish circumstances, a death of a parent for eg. ,our school did a lot of prep work in class .

Thank you for this. I thought I'd be doing the right thing by preparing her so it's not such a shock when the inevitable happens. So hard to know what to do.

I'm so so sorry for your loss 😔

The mother of a 9yo girl died of cancer and her daughter struggled with this. She wouldn't talk about it nor cry at the time. The father was told children this age process it differently and to just let her do her thing. At the funeral she could be heard playing outside at one point. She just took a lot longer for the emotion to come to the surface. Just be prepared for when and if the floodgates open or the questions come.

You have to remember she is a child, so she is coming at it from a child’s prospective. The chances are you will be more affected by it than she is & that is completely fine, and normal. You are an adult, a mother. You can understand death and comprehend it happening to your own child. She can’t do any of those things… she may well be fine. It’s so bloody sad though, poor parents, poor little boy. Life’s a bitch.

I don't understand what you think will come from hitting her over the head with it... she doesn't want to talk about it or face it and you can't make her.

Everyone grieves differently. Its not a child thing, my dad has buried his parents, best friend, beloved pets and the love of his life and he runs away, refuses to face it, changes the subject too. Its just his way of coping by going about life as if it hasn't happened.

I subconsciously did it too. When I was very young a family member died with just me in the room, they came in and found me sleeping next to the body. I obviously blocked it out as I have NO memory of it and didn't even know about it until I was in my teens. As such though I have no trauma too it... if I was constantly reminded of it from a very young age, forced to talk about it and face it and not allowed to move on and forget it I imagine that would be very different.

I am really sorry to hear that this is happening - it is a really tricky thing to navigate. As someone who has worked supporting families in the same situation I agree with what many have already said - I would speak to the school to establish what they are doing and you can take a look at charities for resources for after if your daughter would like to engage in these. There are lots of good books on bereavement that can be easily found on the internet.

I don't know these particular circumstances but it is worth remembering that some families choose not to tell the child they are dying and as such if they have other siblings etc at school this could be why nothing has been said. Not definite of course.

As awful as it sounds, children are very resilient and often move on from such things/are not affected as much as we thing they will be. Again, not a definite but often the case, everyone is different.

I hope the coming weeks and months are not too hard for her.

At 9 she knows what is happening and is looking after herself in her own way.

Support and listen, don’t push.