Parenting an angry son after DV

[HarraKiri]

I left ExH 6.5years ago due to DV. Kids are now 10 (DD1), 8 (DS) and 6 (DD2).

The girls never fight with each other. Or if they do, it’s more “no, you can’t join in with what I’m doing” type thing, but never physical violence.

My son, however, is a different matter. Forever wanting to push his little sister over, knocking into her on purpose when he passes, elbowing her in the car etc. Most days there is something. It is usually when he has perceived her to be annoying in some way. He has never shown any violent tendencies to me, or girls in school etc, his teachers think he is gentle and lovely.

And I’m not sure I react proportionally to his behaviour lapses. As soon as I see him hurt his sister in any way, it is 0-100 levels of cross. I send him to his room, I take his Nintendo switch away, I tell him he is a nasty bully etc. And I think that if I had two sons doing this to each other, I’d probably class it as normal sibling bickering and barely intervene, but it’s something about him hurting her and me being terrified he’ll turn into his dad that evokes such a visceral reaction in me.

I think I need therapy of some sort, even though it’s years later. But I can’t afford anything at all. I don’t know how to parent a son who is so similar to his dad (looks wise), so it means I’m so critical of his behaviour, far more so than my daughters.

Does anyone know of any books that could help? Websites/ resources / charities, anything?!

I am so triggered by my son that any slightly negative behaviour means I come down on him like a tonne of bricks, and I’m terrified I’m going to damage him emotionally. The whole reason I left his dad was to prevent that happening, and it feels like I’m failing him.

I don’t think you’re overreacting. Physical violence is always wrong. Is he going through something right now or is he jealous of her in any way?

I think calling him a nasty bully is the worst part of it all - do that enough and his self esteem will be in the gutter.

How much time do you spend doing positive stuff with him? How much one on one does he get with you? You want him to like and respect you and want to do the right thing. If the behaviour is out of boredom keep him busy, if you notice certain trigger points ie getting in the car then distract him - get him to carry stuff, give him something to munch on etc.

You need to have set consequences for his behaviour. Consider giving him pocket money and taking it away as a consequence of bad behaviour, no need to raise your voice or come up with more and more drastic punishments. Say he gets £2 a week, he loses 20p every time he does something aggressive to his sister (give a calm, clear warning first if it's annoying rather than aggressive behaviour) - ALWAYS take away from next weeks money, never take money already given. Money is earned back by being consistently well behaved around his sister or doing something kind/helpful for her. Always notice when this happens and comment on it. Discuss this all with him, but don't tell him he can earn the money back - just notice and reward that yourself.

You need to start liking this kid, he is NOT your ex, stop projecting onto him. You can't change his bullying behaviour by bullying him. Siblings often annoy each other and fight I was terrible with mine! Calm, consistent and fair. Have a system and don't abuse it

Tbh I think it's okay to come down hard on violence but you should never call kids names like that. Strong consequences for violence, fine. But also make sure she's not being allowed to wind him up and that you tell her off if she is deliberately annoying him. Plus I recommend lots of attention in a positive way and love bombing etc when he's not behaving in that way.

I tell him he is a nasty bully etc

You're right to punish him...by sending to his room and removing privileges/tech....but don't say this to him. Don't label him like this, it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

In terms of exercise, what does he do? I think activities which burn off his energy and would be helpful perhaps?

Plus I recommend lots of attention in a positive way and love bombing etc when he's not behaving in that way

I agree with this too...

correct behaviour but don’t call names. You need counselling and so does he. He is demonstrating learned responses to irritation and isn’t able to control himself properly as he is mirroring what he has seen.

and just to add - he was exposed to this in the adult world - it’s not his fault. He needs help and understanding rather than name calling.

Lots of helpful posts, thanks so much.

In regards to the "nasty bully" thing, I don't do this regularly as a way to deal with behaviour. Today was the first time I called him this when I exploded after being stuck in the car for 45 mins while the two of them fought the whole time and I told him so many times to stop pinching/hurting her, and I felt awful about it and posted here, realising I wasn't reacting ok to an 8yr olds behaviour and need to do better.

Car is definitely a trigger point. Car seat logistics means I can't separate them (seatbelt doesn't work for other seat, 10yr old needs to sit in front). Him being hungry is a trigger too, he's awful when he's hungry. I pick them up from afterschool club at 6, and even if I have bananas or rice cakes for the car journey, he's already hungry and cross by the time he gets in the car, and just looking for a fight. I need to work on solutions here I guess.

His little sister is always the focus of his violence. He has a 3yr old half sister from ExH who I look after EOW, he's so gentle and lovely to her, she adores him, it's my 6yr old that riles him. Sometimes they are best friends, at other times mortal enemies.

I tried to address some points but still missed some 🤦🏻‍♀️

I do love him, I adore him. He is sometimes the most gentle kind sweet kid, but he literally can't regulate his emotions. If he's angry, he lashes out. School don't see this at all, but teachers have said if anyone raises a voice etc, he's tearful immediately. He cries so easily. He's very emotional and can't seem to ever vocalise his emotions. I think he's got a lot of autistic traits, but because he's fine in school and teachers think he's a dream, there doesn't seem to be much need for a diagnosis.

For another behaviour example, I tell his sister she is not allowed in his room. If she walks into his room, he will lunge at her and punch her. So I punish him, and say that if he'd told me she was coming into his room without hurting her, I would be punishing her instead. He will still automatically lose his temper and hurt her EVERY TIME and never take a breath and just tell me.

He barely gets 1-1 time tbh. But none of them do. I work full time, they're in wraparound care 8am-6pm. Our weekends are full of family time, but not 1-1, because I have no local family support to look after the other two, so the three of them are always together. Again, I can see how space away from each other would help, but I don't know how to achieve this.

In terms of physical activity, he does football once a week and a dance class once a week (with his sisters). He doesn't particularly like either of these and would prefer to be alone in his room doing lego/reading/ playing. He's not a sporty kid, he's quite bookish.

You look after abusive exh's younger daughter eow? How does that work?

Something's got to give. Does your workplace offer any counselling? Often they pay for an online platform thing these days. You also might find low cost zoom type therapy - lots of therapists offer it for people without funds.

Have you looked up books about how to help kids who've been around domestic violence? Library?

I think you've got a lot to unpack, what makes someone abusive, whether you've got lingering ideas it was partly your fault (it wasn't), what could have been done to make your ex turn out differently.

He's not his dad. I'm imagining his dad grew up in a home where abuse was continual. You did the right thing and booted your ex out. You showed ds that it was wrong. It matters.

OP, you sound very reflective, and you sound like a bloody good mum doing your best in challenging circumstances. Maybe you can figure out ways to build in micro-chunks of one to one time during the bedtime routine or in some way, but I can see how it could be very challenging. I can see how his behaviour could be triggering. It might just be a case of continually and consistently imposing consequences for any violence and then eventually it will get better. If one to one time is hard, lots of praise can help too. l am sure you're already doing it, but stuff like telling him what a lovely boy and kind big brother he is when he's being good etc, building up the self esteem and the self concept as someone who is a good big brother.

Really glad you've posted and realised this is not working for anyone. If you can get counselling then do, you could try a charity or your GP.

He's not your ex, he's not abusive, he's a child who needs to learn. He's also witnessed/experienced abuse and this will have affected him, even if he was very young. Have a read about ACES and developmental trauma.

The worst possible way to respond to anger and violence is with more anger.

Look up NVR, it's a therapeutic way of parenting that helps manage your responses to aggression and anger. You might be able to get this work yourself.

Also look up PACE parenting.

Asking for a referral to early help services might make some of this support more available to you.

Stay calm and rational and don't try and discuss or negotiate in a moment of anger and don't match his energy. Walk away and talk about it when you're both calm.

Be consistent and boundaried and make consequences relevant to what he's done. Not some angrily imposed grounding or whatever.

If he hurts his sister he has to apologise and do something nice for her. If he breaks something he repairs or replaces it.

This can apply to everyone in the house.

You should sincerely apologise to him for what you said and explain you shouldn't have said that, you don't think it but you got very upset and you want to make things better for everyone.

ExH's daughter is an unusual arrangement, granted. ExH & his gf work weekends, I don't. They were struggling to find childcare, I offered, figuring it was nice for my kids to spend time with their sister regularly, and in my house, not theirs (I don't know much about their relationship aside from the fact they argue a lot and their house seems toxic, and my kids hate going there, and I also sort of thought it means I'm giving their sister a break from a not ideal household). ExH is an alcoholic, and the abuse only occurred when he was drinking, which means now we don't live together, I'm not exposed to him drunk, I only deal with him when he's not drinking, and is generally reasonable.

I dont think my work offers counselling, and I'd always assumed my kids weren't affected by the DV, the oldest was 3 when I left him, DS was only two, none of them have memories of us together, so I naively assumed they weren't affected. I can see how triggering I find violence though, and that my attitude to it is affecting my kids, I'll see if I can find some books that might help me unpack this.

Hey OP, appreciate you can’t find time to give each child much one on one but have you thought of letting him choose some new books (order online if no time to get to the shops) just for you to read with him? Make it a special cosy time etc, light the fire /whatever, cup of hot chocolate and read to each other? You’d have to get the younger one to bed and leave the older to her own devices for a bit but it might be nice?

If you'd asked me six months ago, I would have honestly sworn I'd never even raised my voices at my kids. I'm a calm gentle parent. If DS was violent before, I imposed consequences without anger.

But this hasn't changed his behaviour at all, he still lashes out at DD2 when he's cross. And I spend forever walking on eggshells around DS, trying to avoid the triggers that might anger him so as not to set him off, and tonight in the car after he hurt her multiple times and was ignoring my threats of punishment, I just lost it with him, it was such a wake up call for me.

Me and DS have had a chat. I've said (again, for the millionth time) how it's not ok for him to hurt DD2 and there will always be consequences, but that I was wrong for yelling at him, and I'm sorry. Him and DD2 are currently best friends and he's teaching her mario kart so gently, but again, I'm listening on tenterhooks because I know if she does something "wrong" after he's told her how to play it properly, he'll hurt her.

I tell him so often what a gentle kind boy he is, I do believe he knows how loved he is. It looks like my council offers parenting support classes, I'm going to see if I can register for anything. I can parent my kids so well and deal with everything, except I can't seem to stop him lashing out in anger.

Haven't got any advice unfortunately but just popping by to say that I'm in the same boat.

History of DA with my ex, oldest son is very like his father in appearance and personality traits.
My DS 8 sounds exactly like yours, and I have a DS 6 who bears the brunt of his anger. Only problem is that DS 6 has started fighting back so it's all very physical here ☹️

I really don't know what the solution is, consequences aren't working for us and I always follow through with them! Nothing is working as a deterrent for poor behaviour towards each other.

Solidarity is just as appreciated as advice!

I have a friend with 6&8yr old boys, who are always fighting. And she's so laid back about it, in a "siblings fight, it's normal!" way, that I have been questioning whether I'm too harsh with zero tolerance on the physical fighting, and whether I'd act the same if I had two boys and/or no lingering trauma from DV.

So I guess it's reassuring to know someone with boys is still battling with the same issues. I feel less alone if nothing else!