Is this a form of emotional manipulation?

[jugglingeverything77]

My husband has this habit of doing this- hes done it with me and with the kids, and today with one of our sons, which has upset him a lot. DH will get frustrated by something we're doing/not doing and then say it's fine that he doesn't care and then will come back with a comment that appears threatening and/or criticism. For my 13 year old son, he asked if he could go out with friends instead of to a sports club he does every monday. My husband said yes you can do what you want. So my son thought it was ok for him to go. then my husband came back with 'you need to reassess your commitment to your sports clubs, we pay a lot of money and you always make excuses etc. So then my son was upset as, in his mind his dad was happy for him to go then he changed his mind. I tried to explain to my husband that my son's brain isn't fully developed yet and he doesn't understand the nuances/thoughts beneath the surface that his dad might be having!!

I feel like it's his way of trying to control what he can't ultimately control maybe? I get that our kids have to understand they can't just flunk off a club if they don't feel like it but telling your kid it's 'fine' to miss it but deep down being resentful then telling them we won't be paying for their clubs if they don't go seems to me to be confusing for the child to understand and just causes upset and hurt.

I don't think my husband gets that how he's dealing with it isn't helpful but he won't understand where I'm coming from! He's also a high achiever/very hard on himself so I think he holds everyone to the same level. He never skips a training session even if he's sick.

I think what he said wasn’t necessarily totally wrong but he needs to say it all in one go and maybe just reframed a bit so “yes, you can do what you want but bare in mind we pay a lot of money for these clubs, it’s a commitment, if you don’t want to attend them anymore and would rather do other things then that is fine but we won’t continue to keep you in the club if you’re going to miss sessions”. That way it puts all the options across and in more of a “make an informed decision” kind of way, if that makes sense.

I don’t see a major issue, he said he could go to his friends but asked him to consider if he wants to keep doing the club as he doesn’t seem committed. That’s fair enough

yeah I guess so, Its just that there was an hour or so between him saying he doesn't have to go, then later saying all about how its expensive and we won't keep paying if he doesn't go. So in that time my son thought his dad was fine about it then felt like his dad suddenly changed his mind. he didn't understand and was upset about this.

Yes saying it all in one go would be better I think.

This is poor communication from him and in my opinion he should apologise for creating the confusion to your son.

It would be a stretch for your son to follow what his dad is saying about sticking to his commitments to go to a club when the person telling him this hasn't even stuck to what he's said for an hour.

It depends somewhat on how things were said. Did he use an angry or aggressive tone? Or was he merely pointing out the facts and getting your son to think about the consequences of his choices. They do have to learn that they can’t do everything and sometimes our commitment to one thing means we miss out on others.
It’s also normal for teens to be ‘upset’ when their parents point these things out or they can’t have things all the way they want.
Agreeing to missing it as a one off and also being concerned about the wasted money are not mutually exclusive. I have to admit I’m not quite sure why this conversation is such a big deal.

I don’t think it’s emotional manipulation. It sounds like he struggles to set boundaries or express what he wants to actually say.

My Dh, for example, often won’t actually say what he wants to say when an opportunity arises when he should express an opinion. He grew up in a household where people pleasing kept him safe. So he tends to say ‘yes, fine!’ to a lot of things, even when he doesn’t really think they’re fine. But then when the person doesn’t do what he wanted because they can’t read his mind and he said whatever else was fine, he gets annoyed and frustrated.

I don’t think that’s quite what’s happening here. But it almost sounds like maybe it the moment he CBA to get involved, clearly communicate an opinion, whatever, but after the fact, gets annoyed at the outcome. I agree it may just be poor communication more than anything.