Lazy ex husband

[OneRubyBird]

I'm stressed out my ex husband and I share 50/50 custody but when my kids are at their dads he is so lazy they do all the house work yes they need chores absolutely but I lived with the man for 20 years he's got them doing everything , and now I find out he hasn't even washed their uniform on the weekend because he's too damm lazy to get it from their rooms he told them to take it down they didn't they are 15 and 12 so he just left it so my kids have gone to school this morning in dirty uniform they haven't even been showered they've been with him since Friday. Problem I have is the kids just keep defending him well it's not dad's fault mam it's ours it's not dad's fault we should have done our washing, not our fault dad makes £2500 per month but won't buy toothbrushes or shampoo mam can you just do it !!!! The agreement was I pay for them when they are with me he pays for them when they are with him, he's so damm lazy but no I have to take his feelings into consideration because despite him mentally emotionally and financially abusing me and treating his kids like they don't exist when we were together ah he took it hard when I took his mams advise and left him. Its been over a year since we split but they've always tipped toed round their dad and he's still getting away with being a shitty parent.
Sorry I'm just annoyed

Well, he should be providing shampoo and soap, absolutely. But for teenagers to have dirty clothes because they haven't taken them downstairs when asked.... sounds like a useful lesson to me.

didn't they are 15 and 12 so he just left it so my kids have gone to school this morning in dirty uniform they haven't even been showered they've been with him since Friday.

Is there any reason why a 15 yr old and 12 year old can't wash their own uniforms or shower themselves? Do you usually shower them?

Problem I have is the kids just keep defending him well it's not dad's fault mam it's ours it's not dad's fault we should have done our washing, not our fault dad makes £2500 per month but won't buy toothbrushes or shampoo mam can you just do it !!!!

Children usually stick up for their parents. Are you often badmouthing him? Can you give them each a wash bag with a toothbrush, shower gel and shampoo that they can bring back?

They are old enough to sort out their washing. Certainly old enough to keep themselves clean.

This is mn op. As soon as kids hit double digits then you’ll get accused of ‘spoiling’ and ‘enabling’ them if you do literally anything for them. The fact of the matter is that even older kids need prompting. My eldest is 16. I’ll still check she’s eaten properly, her clothes are clean, her schoolwork’s up to date, and while it’s very rare that she needs pulling on her hygiene, every now and then she’ll have a greasy head on her and she’ll get sent to the shower. I do this because she’s still a child and I actually give a fuck about her. Also I have a bit of respect for myself and my children and refuse to send them to school dirty and smelly. How are your children even meant to keep clean if he won’t provide any hygiene products? He’s a vile, lazy beast, but I wouldn’t come to mn for sympathy unfortunately 🙄

I would tell the DC to wash their uniforms but do nothing else in terms of housework.

Normally I wouldn’t say parents shouldn’t have DC at their ages doing nothing, but in this case it seems that your useless ex is using his DC to do what he thinks they do all the chores.

This. It’s piss poor standards, pure and simple. What would happen if the op took the same attitude? Would the children just literally never get a wash or clean clothes because they apparently shouldn’t need telling at that age? She’d have ss at the door eventually after the school reported her for neglect. It’s weird how on here I’ve seen multiple threads with people excusing bad behaviour for people in their 20’s as their brains aren’t fully developed or something. But a 12 and 15 are smelly and dirty after cleaning his entire house and don’t have any soap or toothpaste, but that’s all their fault

You will need to play hard ball and stop paying for things when they are there.
When the kids say they need it you tell them you provide here he provides there ask him. Rinse and repeat if they say its not fair, say you understand however you are only responsible for this household and he is responsible for his household. Your wages only stretch so far - show them the cost of things then ask why you should have to pay that twice - now ask your dad to provide X,Y and Z at his house for you - my only exception to this would be a DD regarding sanitary products

I'd send a text on a Friday night saying don't forget to pop your uniform in the wash to the children. 12 and 15 is not to young to learn to do a load, and help to avoid the social stigma of being dirty at school.
As for the rest of it besides going to court to change the 50/50 not much you can do.
The children will eventually realise, 12 months is still an adjustment period and it may not have sunk in fully yet, especially if you have made it easier by providing where you shouldn't have to at his house. As a mother I understand how you have done this as no good parent whats to see there child without.
Good Luck @OneRubyBird

I'm just so stressed out because they are more than old enough to be taking their own laundry down to the wash however he's so lazy so when they come to me they haven't been showered in days and dirty clothes on because he'd rather sit on his arse than actually be a parent and tell then they either get in the shower or they lose their devices or grounding etc or to even get off his arse and out their uniforms in the wash, problem was we were together 20 years and in all that time I did everything I got no help at all so the kids are used to it being me doing everything and he was too, he used to come in from work dirty work clothes on and would sit in it all night until bed and even put dirty socks from the day before back on his feet the next morning even though he had clean ones in the draw because he was too bloody lazy just 1 of many reasons I left he doesn't care about his own hygiene so isn't bothered about theirs but I won't have my kids like that I never did when we were all together but the kids defend him immensely and tell me its not dad's job to do this and that grrrr stressful, at this point I'm just having a rant because if I speak to him I'll lose my rag I've had these conversations with him so many times since we split and nothing changes in the meantime they feel sorry for dad and nothing is dad's fault what can I say because at this point they are enabling their dad

Give it a few more years they will feel sorry for dad in a completely different way!
OP that man is still living rent free in your head. What happens there you can't change, he won't change, the children will eventually see it.
All you can do is the best you can when they are with you, his time is his time. If you are lucky the school may pick up on it on the days they are with him - this will not be able reflection on you.
It's hard OP

You correct them and say "it's every parents job regardless of whether they are Mum or Dad"

Do they still want 50:50?

As soon as they don't get your CMS claim in and stop making them go.

No I don't bad mouth him to them and yes I agree they should be doing these things for themselves so I've already had a word with them about this but I also know this man he's completely lazy instead of making sure they are doing it he just leaves them to do what they like I'm all for them doing their own washing and learning valuable life skills absolutely he's just so lazy he won't even encourage them to do that he'd just allow them to live like pigs it annoys me if my oldest son didn't clean up his house wouldn't get cleaned the pictures I have would disgust you