To feel like a failure with 4 yo DS

[rosieloves]

I love my DS very deeply and would walk over fire for him but he is sending me into a depression and I'm feeling like such a failure as a parent,

He argues with everything, he is still not fully toilet trained, he's extremely stubborn, he won't play on his own, ever, he won't sit down and watch TV for longer than 2 minutes, he's loud, frantic, god endless energy, very sensitive, easily irritated, constantly talking, doesn't play well with his younger sister, is on the go from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed, and for that reason I think the silver lining is he sleeps well.

I don't really know why I'm typing this, I guess maybe just hoping someone can tell me it's a temperament thing and not to do with our parenting or if anyone has any solidarity.

He's started school recently which is maybe why u

Oops, maybe why he's extra awful at the moment. But he's always awful, and I have aged 10 years since having him.
I'm not sure how much longer I can handle him for!

Very hopeful bump

I could have written this a year ago when my son was 4 and just started primary school. Almost word for word (except he is an only child!) I actually contacted a GP around Christmas last year in desperation - and he has been flagged for potential neurodiversity but nothing confirmed. We are a year down the line and he has settled - fully toilet trained now, able to watch some tv now, and his "energy" can be controlled so much better. Not going to lie, he still struggles to play alone and is the world's most stubborn person! But I no longer live in a constant state of high anxiety and misery. It's stressful but we have more laughs, and it's less relentless. Not sure if that's any help but I'd have wanted to hear it last year!!!

Oh and I also blamed myself and our parenting but the more I see other children his age I realise it's absolutely his personality and temperament. That helps with my guilt these days too

Oh OP, SOLIDARITY! I feel your pain, bar the toilet training I could have written this word for word. I have considered seeking professional help many a time but as Hodgepodge said I really think it's just how he is at age 4 instead of something wrong (I hope!) No advice obviously but just wanted you to know you're not alone!
I've been coping by comfort eating but I do not recommend it as I'm now fat and DS is still a maniac!

We were ok on toilet training but my ds drove me to despair and frequently tears regularly aged 2-4.
I had him checked for neurodivergence and dyspraxia and spent all day having to watch him like a hawk and keep him entertained - if I'd had time I could have written a book with the escapades. The only relief was screen time (iPad) for which many criticised me for using it to make life manageable.
Today he is in his late teens and is the calmest most affable chap I or anybody else knows.

He is high achieving academically, organised and mature beyond his age, I couldn't be prouder of him.
He's also extremely easy to live with - karma really seems to be a thing

Thank you so much everyone for writing back, you have really helped me feel better. I am honestly in tears usually every 2-3 days with his behaviour.
It's nice to know I'm not alone and I feel there is some hope on the horizon.
I just want to have a wonderful loving relationship with him but it feels so impossible right now. I love him but god I can't stand him.
Anyway, thank you so much x

I was in tears constantly last year and I was generally concerned my husbands mental health wouldn't cope. But I haven't cried in absolutely ages now - possibly even months! And I am VERY reassured by the previous poster with the late teen!!!

Thank you so much!
I can totally relate to the husband thing, mine is struggling massively with him.
My DS is very bright, and socially aware. I pray that this is why he is so highly strung and it's a frustration thing. I am so exhausted, I feel I have been googling my issues with him, even writing the odd post on here, since he was about 12 months old. I worry that he is this person and this is the lot I have been given with parenting, but hearing the lady with the chilled out teenager has given me so much hope!!!
All the best to everyone. This parenting business is a total head fuck..

I think it's very unlikely to be your parenting, unless you're actively modelling frantic energy all day?

I'd have a look at the Social & Emotional Ages & Stages, just to check Bez on track

It's such a head fuck! And I wrote a post on here years ago too. My DS has always been the same, very loud and full on almost from birth! Also very bright and self aware - amongst top of class academically despite being the youngest. But has huge struggles with emotional control and focus at school. Best of luck to you - and we can enjoy those chilled out teenage years hopefully!!!

You probably have an intelligent boy. He will settle but I'm afraid to say it may get worse initially before it gets easier. I think it's like they have a powerful processor for a brain but cannot regulate it or appreciate the wider world. Just remember you're not alone and not likely anything to do with your parenting. I have a combi of these characteristics between 2 boys. I found with both, things got easier after that first year of school (age 4-5). The 2nd year has also been hard but once my first accomplished writing, whilst not particularly into it, he was free to enjoy the interesting topics at school rather than just focusing on the phonics and writing stuff. The school can help with little interventions can go a long way to making a difference. For my 7yo some sort of switch happened about age 6ish where suddenly I could reason with him and (sometimes) have interesting conversations. He started talking about what they were doing at school with enthusiasm. He still has meltdowns maybe once every 2 weeks and is stubborn but he understands logic, needs downtime with TV etc and knows he's not the centre of the universe! He was the 4 year old that never left us alone and couldn't play with toys or play imaginatively, we used to carry kicking and screaming to school I thought it would never end at the time. Minecraft...creative mode has been a great outlet for them both realise that gaming/screens isn't everyone's cup of tea though.