Have I really fucked this up? Is it saveable?

[YouveGotAFastCar]

DS is nearly 3. I adore him. But he needs me for everything.

When he was born, I had to go back to work at 8 weeks, so DH was the SAHP. My work was on-location at the time, so they'd travel with me to whatever the event was, and then DH would bring him to be several times a day for me to breastfeed him, and they'd spend the rest of the time exploring. When I'm not on-location, I work from home, so we're all together. DH took the lead with housework, and things like nappies/bedtimes/etc.

We did that until just before DS was 2, then he started nursery 2 days a week, and I stopped on-location work. That hit our finances quite hard, but seemed like the right thing to do at the time. DH started looking for work, although he's not been successful yet. He has a disability that means it's always a struggle for him to get a job. I took over bedtime for a week to give DH a break.

He hasn't let DH do bedtime since. He's got progressively worse. They used to spend Thursdays together as "Daddy day", but DS won't go without me now. He won't go to the potty for Daddy - he'll come and find me, and have an accident if he can't find me in time. He wants me if he's upset, or happy. He won't let DH go to him when he wakes in the night. He won't go to classes with him, or get in his seat for him. He wants me to do everything, from wiping his bum to doing up his car seat.

He does ask where DH is all the time if he's not with us. This week he's started asking DH to come upstairs with us at bedtime, and DH reads the bedtime story while I sit with DS and stroke his back. He FaceTimes DH a lot. He tells him that he loves him...

DH is struggling. DS isn't much of a tantrummer but is very stubborn and strong. He tried forcing it and going without me anyway, but DS cried for 1.5 hours and had a big tantrum, and I don't think either of them really enjoyed themselves when it settled. DH says he feels useless and he doesn't understand how he's gone from doing loads to doing nothing at all, and keeps telling DS that he feels useless and sad. DS will give him a cuddle but then wants me again.

I've read that a Mummy phase is quite common, but this has lasted over a year now, and there's not been a Daddy phase.

Is this my fault? DH seems to think it must be, at least in part. I have no idea why. I often book them things to do together, but it never seems to change whether DS wants to go without me, or what DS will let DH do...

Your husband should not be telling your little boy that he feel useless and sad that is wayyyy too much to be putting onto a baby. It sounds like you’re giving him too much power, he needs firm but fair boundaries, he doesn’t get to dictate which parent he is with at which time and he certainly doesn’t control the emotions of his adult parents. He probably feels like he doesn’t have boundaries and having that much control is actually really bad for children. I think just kindly saying right daddy is taking you here now, I’ll see you later love you bye, then just follow through and continue to say yes we’ll see mummy later let’s do this now etc

It's a phase, and one that will last longer if you keep allowing him to rule the roost. An almost three year old should not be allowed to decide if his father is a part of something. You can be kind yet firm. It's giving in to his tantrums that have perpetuated this.

and keeps telling DS that he feels useless and sad.

Tell your husband to grow up and stop this fucking ridiculous whinging right now. Saying that to your child is totally unacceptable. You should have read him the riot act about this.

There’s an Instagram account called Big Little Feelings and they have a highlight about parental preference - I found it very useful when dealing with the same for my children

We had this. We pushed through the tantrums and did every other night bedtimes. You're going to have to do this because my kid's mummy phase began at birth and is only slightly abating now she's six. But she did get with the programme relatively quickly and it was obvious to me that she loved a Daddy bedtime way before it was obvious to her 🤣

My husband went part time before I did and it's about you not being as readily available as him. It is hard for both of you but you just have to get on with it. It was hard for my husband to be told that she loved Mummy more and it was hard for me to hear her crying for me but she needed to understand that she couldn't run the house.

Your husband needs to stop telling your son that he feels useless and sad right now, unless he wants your son to conclude that he actually is useless.

Do you regularly blow small things completely out of proportion? Look at the title of your thread. "Have I really fucked this up? Is it saveable?" Talk about dramatic. Your child isn't even three years old, you really think this current behaviour may never end? You think this will be going on when he's ten? It's an extremely common phase that you've not handled well and have exacerbated. If you had just ignored it and steered him through it, it would have been over long ago.

Why think you have messed up? Tiny children's purpose in life is to survive. If a big grown up tells you they are sad and useless, your survival instinct will lead you to home in on the big grown up who appears to be functioning - better protection! Your DH needs to stop talking himself down to his son. Or at all. And certainly should curb his habit of off-loading mentally on a three-year-old. That is actually damaging and very disturbing to a child.

Support your DH through what sounds like a mild depression. Encourage him to list and value all the things he is good at and encourage him to share that pride with his son. Casually say good things about your DH in your son's earshot. 'I want pancakes - daddy makes the best pancakes. Do you think he'll make some for us?' 'Look how bubbly that bath is - daddy makes the best bubbles.' 'Oh look, daddy mended the cupboard. Isn't he clever?' If he is the primary caregiver it is important that both of you truly value that - and all the tiny skills that come with it - as equally high status to the major wage earner. Your son will pick up on this.

Also, it is disconcerting for a child (however much they appear to demand it) to be emotional top dog in a family. Both of you need to get more robust and say, 'Yes, I know you want mummy to do this but mummy is busy so it's Daddy Time. You'll survive it, matey. We both will!' Turn it into a bit of cheery banter with him. That way (even if the first few times he kicks off) you are sending a strong message that both parents are capable and in charge and he doesn't have to be the boss and demand only the competent parent, as both parents are now fully competent.