aibu to feel absolutely fed up?

[Anasjwj]

to be honest im struggling badly, this was a wanted baby shes now 4 months and im finding it so hard, my partner isn't around for months at a time due to his job,i cant trust my family to help as theyve never respected boundaries, and they wouldn't keep her Safe,
doesn't help they constantly put me down about my weight, appearance, and how I shouldn't have any mess in my house (im doing this all alone its hard to keep ontop of mess sometimes ) they make these comments when they have no idea how it is raising a baby alone and I have since she qwas a newborn

I never thought when pregnant I would worry about the things I do and feel so worried all the time, I had health anxiety before but suddenly I dont care about my health at all but im obsessed with the babies,
I worry about keeping her the right temperature, im so tired but cant sleep as im worried about her rolling or her temperature at night and over heating,
im sad when its Friday night and I hear people out playing music and having fun, I get scared to leave the house as im scared shell get sick
I feel like a complete freak tying this out like I know people just think well why did you have a baby! well I didnt know it would be this hard
I love her so bad but often I feel like she deserves someone better its the hardest thing ive ever done mentally and physically
I also suffer with bad chronic fatigue im always drained no matter how much sleep I get ive had many tests etc they cant ever find a cause

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way; having a baby is so hard especially when you have so little support. From what you’ve said though I do think you should speak to your health visitor or GP about how you’re feeling; it’s normal to worry about your baby but when it’s stopping you sleeping and going things that that is a sign that you might need to seek some help.
Theres nothing wrong in that and I say that from experience; I felt like I fell down a black hole after one of my DC was born but with help I got back out of it.
Be kind to yourself; try to do little things that you enjoy and take one day at a time

Are you sure you're not suffering from post natal depression?

It sounds like you are worrying alot about little things and I do get it as first time mum and being on your own but you can also have baby blues as they call it.

Maybe ring the health visitor/midwife and explain how you feel to them?

Fuck your so called family and what they think about your appearance and your home you've just given birth, you're a first time mum and like you said doing it basically on your own! Who are they to even comment and judge. 🙄

Have you spoken to your other half about this and how you feel? Do you have any friends you could speak to too?

Oh bless ya OP

thank you both, I know people tell you it'll be hard but wow its HARD, and yeah my family have always been this way unfortunately theyre obsessed with weight im 11 stone as well so barley obese and even if I was so what!

I do worry about everything even when I go out with her my heart pounds just always worrying checking her breathing and temperature would be so much easier if my partner was here to share the worry you know what I mean? its genuinely exhausting me badly,
my other half feels terrible that im alone, im planning on going out the country to be with him in a few weeks which im sure will be much better for my mental health for sure, before I said there's no way ill be taking her on a plane out the country but genuinely im suffering much more in the uk alone, but like I said I worry about her on the plane and getting sick but I feel I must go,

I think I might definitely have ppd/a but really scared if I open up to the health visitors etc they'll take her off me as I have pretty bad thoughts sometimes of wishing I dont wake up sometimes its that hard
but I would never kill myself as I cant do that to my daughter.

I do think ill fell better when I can be with my husband

If you open up to your health visitor and gp trust me they will not take her away, it's very normal for women to feel this way after having a baby, your hormones are raging, your body is adjusting to having given birth and going back to normal, being a mum for the first time is extremely overwhelming and scary, your life has changed too and your now caring for this little tiny human you have created, it's is absolutely normal to feel this way hun and no one will judge you or try and take her away. You will get the help and support you need by them. Honestly I get it I have 4 children I had post natal with my first and post natal and perinatal with my 4th, you are also on your own too so it's even harder for you, babies are tiring and stressful because they rely on you constantly and don't sleep through out the night, you may also be tired too because of this which also can make you feel this way, the brain needs sleep to help recover. 100% speak to your health visitor or GP about how you are feeling. I agree being with your husband will help because you will also be with him and have his support too with bubba 😊 don't feel scared and judged because you won't be honestly hand on heart they will support you and make sure you are ok. I had a perinatal nurse for weeks after my 4th was born last April and she was soo helpful and supportive, in the end I didn't want her to discharge me because I liked meeting with her once a week and her checking in on me but after that I was absolutely fine, please don't feel afraid. 😊

I feel like I could have written a lot of your post a few years ago. I had PND. Thankfully it got better with time but I know it doesn't always. I think you should speak with your health visitor. Your symptoms are very normal and help is available. You sound like a good mum and you deserve to be able to enjoy your baby xx

Hi OP,

It sounds like PND. I had that with my second child and worse with my third, and it was awful, I would imagine throwing myself down the stairs. I was medicated for about a year, which really helped and made me feel (not happy) but just less sad. In the end I took myself off the medication and felt much better with exercise and diet changes, and avoided this with children 4 and 5.

The one thought in my head was that I would hate for my children to always remember me sad. That would not be a good life for them.

Please get help and speak to your doctor and your health visitor. They can help, even if it is just counselling. Make yourself stronger and healthier for your child, this will be something they will be living with too.

Good luck OP.