Angry & Frustrated 4yr old

[Cece87]

We are at such a loss with our 4yr old son, his outbursts are affecting everyone in our household and it’s getting so exhausting.

He gets very angry, very quickly and can take a long time to calm down.

Some examples, two days ago at the playground I asked to not go follow his friend who’s mum was taking him to have a pee in a bush! He screamed and shouted at me, he throws his head back and just lets out a horrible noise along with crying.

Today at a class he got “out” although technically you’re not “out” but I didn’t even have chance to explain because he immediately lost his mind, the teacher had to tell him to stop screaming (it jui jitsu so they’re strong on rules) again, it took him a long time to calm.

Just a couple of examples, but everyday there can be 3x sometimes more of these meltdowns, over such small things.

We feel like we’re losing our minds, we have tried gentle parenting and then just absolutely losing our minds at him because our patience is worn so so thin.

I did speak with his nursery teacher before the summer hols and she thought there was nothing underlying, they worked really hard with him and saw great results.

But the summer hols were very very tough on us.

I also must add that we just don’t notice other kids around him acting out the way that he does, definitely the occasional tantrum, but nothing as big, as loud & as frequent as his.

Im not even sure why I’m putting this on here, but I guess I’m getting desperate for something, anything that might help!

Thanks so much in advance!

Has he just started reception?

I can sympathise. Ignore nursery teacher - there is no stress in that environment, so it doesnt mean nothing underlying.
Get onto childrens mental health asap. Might be a long waiting list.
Not an expert but get them reviewed for ADHD with rejection sensitivity and pathalogical demand avoidance.

All that aside... you said you are desparate for something that will help. There are some things (routine, comfy clothes, ear defenders) but maybe what you really need is acceptance? My 6yo screamed so the whole street must've worried because I hadnt done her hair. I smiled, popped her sestbelt on and once she was a bit more regulated, we hugged it out.

Try cutting sugar. Try naming feelings and practising deep breathing.
Know that you are not alone xxx

Any big changes in his life op? How long has it been going on?

My 4 year olds can absolutely lose it but it doesn't sound as extreme or as often as yours and they're easier to placate so it does sound extreme

two days ago at the playground I asked to not go follow his friend who’s mum was taking him to have a pee in a bush! He screamed and shouted at me, he throws his head back and just lets out a horrible noise along with crying.

as soon as this happened you should have shut down the fun. Said goodbye to your friend and taken him home. No fun for the rest of the afternoon. Same with the class. The second he chooses to spoil it with this behavior, fun’s over. It will be brutal but he will learn.

Yes, he’s just started reception.

I guess some transitions, nursery to school & he did have a small operation at the beginning of the summer hols. He’s always been sensitive, but the anger and frustration is getting bigger & louder.

We’ve just started implementing this, he’s upset in the moment but he seems to get over it pretty quickly once we’ve left.
Just for clarity, I didn’t take him home from the school play date as it was a get to know each other with all class parents & kids. And I didn’t leave jui jitsu because it’s his second class and I honestly love how strict they are with the kids, hoping it will do him good in the long run!

Ignore the school, go with your gut. I ‘knew’ dd was autistic from age 3, school insisted she was fine, just shy and quiet. She was dx aged 11 when she transitioned schools. I would speak to your gp, health visitor, school nurse. It usually takes years to be assessed and diagnosed, so the earlier you start the process the better. In the meantime, follow strict structure and routine and consequences etc, don’t deviate from what you’ve said you are doing. If there’s no ND then he’ll respond well to the structure anyway, if there is any ND he’ll also respond well too. Also recommend reading The Explosive Child book.

Thank you - we have been referred to a paediatrician who specialises in development so just waiting for that appointment. I guess the same with any parent you hope for other answers rather than something like adhd, but unfortunately me and his dad both suspect that might be the case!
Have always been big into naming feelings, feelings ok behaviour not etc and always encourage deep breathing, it’s just getting harder to calm him unfortunately.

Try not to look at other children too much! Parent the child you have.
I would cut down on clubs etc, extra demands seemed an issue for us. Try to go with the flow a bit more, for things that are important have an iron boundary but everything else try to go with the flow.
Our little one is almost 5 and once we dropped all the swimming, going out every day in the weekend, everything was a bit easier, but it's still a constant fight and you feel like a nag. However there are beams of sunlight regularly now. And now he's actually keen to do these things himself.
And have faith in yourself, we queried ASD with the GP, child minder (who has experience with autism) and both said definitely not, very emphatic. We have it in the family hence my suspicion.
However 6 months in school nursery and the teacher took us aside and said they wanted to refer him for an assessment. So don't give up, just keep parenting the child you have and keep flagging things regularly.
It's hard and I would say it's five times as much effort arguing every single thing with an autistic child compared with telling a NT child once if at all, but hopefully the rewards will come eventually! Good luck.