Natural consequences for rudeness

[2kidsnewstart]

Hi

my 7yo can be rude. not at school but to me really. What consequences do you put in place for rudeness?

I think it depends why they are rude what the consequences would be. Rude about putting shoes on to go out to do a fun activity, no fun activity. Rude about asking for a friend to come over, no friend. Rude about what they are served for dinner, no option for pudding or straight up to bath after and no fun times together. In the real world, people won’t do nice things with you if you’re rude to them so it mimics that consequence.

I personally think I would talk to them about why the rudeness isn't acceptable. A conversation about behaviour is a consequence.

The PP is a bit over the top I think. Those are extreme consequences.

I leave the room & tell her what behaviour i expect. Not a magic wand but does what i need it to.
I also insist on the basics like please and thank you every time.
If its borderline, ill help by saying "Did you mean to say: thank you Mam"?

If they're rude about tea I tell them to go to bed hungry, which usually generates an apology.

I agree with pp, rudeness doesn't get you anywhere so the natural consequences are that I don't help / take them for a nice day out / ignore whatever they are moaning about.

A natural consequence of an adult being rude to me is that I don't want to spend time with them or do anything to help them.

I would explain this to a child - that when they are rude to me, I feel upset and cross and that I might not want to help them for a little bit.

So if in the next hour or so they asked me to do something I might say to them, 'I don't want to do that now because I'm still cross about you being rude to me'.

I might also explore the underlying emotions. lf this is after school and they are being rude I might state 'that was a rude thing to say - is there something you want to talk about? or 'If you're hungry then asking me politely means I will help you, being rude means I won't'

I also think it's important not to go too nuclear because you want to leave space for your child to feel contrite and apologise. It's not that different to adults in some ways. I'm grumpy with my DH sometimes after a rough day. If he says 'oh, bit harsh' or whatever I will apologise. If he went mad at me then we'd have a row and it would all get blown out of proportion. Similarly with a kid I think, unless it's on the extreme level, telling them that something was rude is often enough to precipitate an apology and more polite communication!

Obviously if it's extreme then the response might be different.

I told my DC that I wasn’t going to respond to rudeness, so if they said get me a drink, I just didn’t react until they asked nicely.
If it’s more extreme then I sit down and talk to them and if it continues there’s a consequence

Depends what the rudeness is and in what circumstances.

I usually go for "I'm more likely to do it if you say please" or same for thanks, only it applies to next time.
It's not my place to be controlling, it's to help them understand how their behaviour impacts what others will do.

My son once told me very seriously "if someone doesn't say thank you when you give something then you hold on to the thing firmly until they do" so there's always plenty of scope for teaching your child totally the wrong lesson with all these made up consequences.

I tend to look at my children as if I don't understand them, or say "sorry?" as if they are making no sense.
Despite their difficulties (DS in particular who has ADHD and some big struggles with emotions) they get the idea and try again respectfully. If they don't I suggest "do you want to try that again nicely" or "can you think of a nicer way to say that?"

It is quite extreme. For instance yesterday I asked her to bring her bag in from the car as I was carrying her sister who was asleep and she ended up screaming at me. In that moment, where its just dinner bath bed ahead of us, there's nothing to threaten so wondered what my options might me.

I loathe to threaten the things we do (Although I do do it) as she's an intense kid and a whole day at home is full on.

We've had many conversations about it. She's always genuinely sorry. And feels upset about it after. But multiple times a day is rude to me, from small rudeness to really rude, and I am tired of it.

I tried to have her assessed for autism by cahms but they wouldn't as she doesn't have social issues.

She can be very lovely too. Kind, thoughtful. But I find these flashes of rudeness hurtful and embarrassing.

I think with rudeness where there is no obvious natural consequence, like the example with the bag, I just say something like “I won’t let you scream at me” and create a bit of space until she’s calm. Unless she needs help to calm down in which case ignore it, but do talk about it later. The key thing is to absolutely insist on the thing that has prompted the rudeness (being asked to bring in the bag). That doesn’t mean having a big stand off about it, just try persistence eg: “please get your bag, I’m expecting you to do it before dinner.” Then a little later, “what’s for dinner?” “Spaghetti, just run and get your bag before we eat” etc etc you have to be as determined as she is, but only on the battles you’ve chosen to fight. Above all stay calm and try not to take it personally. I had a kid like this and it was really tough.

A conversation is not a consequence.
As a primary school teacher following a behaviour policy I have a lot of conversations, both with children and parents. The children universally say the right things, confirm they understand then repeat the behaviour.

In the case of the bag, a very common refusal in our household, I stand by the front door till everything is out of the car in the hands of the person I asked to get it out (so DS can't fob it off on DD). I don't say anything unless they ask me why I'm not opening the door.