Love at first sight?

[winz]

Just reading a novel, it's pretty dark and I'm yet to finish it (The Mother) on kindle prime.

It's essentially about a child abduction but the majority of the story is centred around a mother who was indoctrinated to love her newly born baby as this is "what a mother should feel" and you would essentially be wrong for not having that initial bond which she struggled with.

Take away the child abduction aspect, it's grim reading so far and sad, but what grasped me was the expectation that every new mother felt this all compelling love for their new baby.

I too was told once baby was in my arms then I would feel love like no other but it didn't come that easily. It took months before I felt a bond.

Do all mothers bond immediately with their children or does it take time? Do mothers get a lot of pressure to bond? Is it wrong if we don't bond immediately?

Genuine question and no offence intended, I am genuinely intrigued.

I didn’t feel a rush of love for either of my children when they were first born. I remember I didn’t even want to hold my daughter because I was so exhausted and all I wanted was my tea and toast 😂. After my son was born he screamed relentlessly for the first 24 hours and I remember just feeling like what the hell have I done, I’ve ended up with a screaming banshee for a child (he chilled out after 24 hours thankfully. I didn’t feel remotely guilty about my feelings either, I just knew I needed to get to know them. And I did and I love them with my whole heart now. Definitely No PPD

My friends and I have spoke about this only one of them said she felt it for her first child, didn’t for her other two, my other friends agreed with me, it took time.

With my eldest I definitely felt immense relief and gratitude and euphoria immediately after the birth, but I don't know that that constitutes a bond with the baby. I think it was more that the culmination of all the waiting and preparation for his arrival had finally come to a head in this very dramatic way, and I was riding high on the adrenaline. I definitely came crashing down the following day. For the first couple months I mostly felt a sense of duty towards him - I knew I was supposed to feed him and hold him and tend to his needs, so I did. But I think in hindsight I had some mild PND and I didn't really feel anything for him as a person until he was about 4 months old. Then the love just crept up on me, and one day I realised I was absolutely besotted and he was, in fact, the most fantastic little human that ever lived. Now the love I feel for him is unreal and we have a wonderful bond. But I wouldn't say it came immediately.
With my second I adored her from the start. Totally different experience.
(And nothing to do with their respective sexes; I'd actually been hoping for another boy the second time around!)

I had it both times. With my first I’d had a crash section under GA and when I came round still wired up to everything and with an oxygen mask DH put her on my chest and I howled and despite being off my tits on all sorts I had this huge overwhelming wave of fiercely protective almost desperate sort of love for her. He had to keep repeating that she was a girl and I kept forgetting, I didn’t really care, and I got very grumpy about being told to keep my mask on as I just wanted to squish my face into hers. I’d lost 5 pregnancies before having her and the immense love was probably utter disbelief and relief it had finally happened.

DS was also a CS and I was able to be conscious but it ended up taking nearly an hour for them to get him out instead of the 15 minutes I’d been told and I was starting to really panic. They had to cut through all sorts of unexpected stuff, theatre was full of people stressing and it was getting a bit hairy when they suddenly dropped the curtain and whipped him out and gave him to DH. All the fuss and noise went away and I had a really strong sense of “oh it’s you, you’re my baby and I didn’t think I could ever love anyone as much as your sister but I do and it’ll all be fine”. It wasn’t as desperate but it was enjoyably uncomplicated and just as strong and sort of in my gut and soul.

I’m terrible at the whole baby making thing, terrible, it’s been an uphill fucking struggle getting them here so at the point there arrived it was great.

I love these completely genuine stories. I think there is so much pressure put on this pure love for a baby straight away but if it takes a few weeks or months it doesn't make any difference in the grand scheme of things . Everyone is different and it is nice to know that motherhood sometimes takes a while to get the hang off. I wish someone had told me that ten years ago then I wouldn't be questioning myself anonymously on women's forums. But thank you :)

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Absolutely besotted from first moment of existence. A much wanted child that I thought I’d never have. Still as bonkers today 20 years later.

I didn't really feel it with my first until after about ten days. I remember looking at her sleeping in the car seat when we brought her home and feeling almost scared to love her, like I wasn't good enough. Then one day I was bent over her cot and felt it, very suddenly and fiercely.

With my second I had a very strong feeling of "you're here now" when he was born. I had felt a deep bond with him from the moment I found out I was pregnant, it was so strange. I am always reminded of the line from Wuthering Heights "whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same" when I think about this.

I had an emcs after 2 days of labour.

They put him on my chest. I felt relief. I also thought that he looked like an alien and I was a bit disappointed that he was ugly. I had a sudden urge to vomit and asked them to take the baby away while I threw up into my own face/neck. I felt protective, but I felt no love.

Hours later, after I’d slept and was sufficiently dosed with anti-sickness they put him on my chest once again. They put him under my gown so our skin was touching. I’m not sure how, but by some miracle after an hour or so the alien became the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and I ‘fell’ in love.

It doesn’t matter how or when we start to love our babies. We all love our children in the end, and that’s what matters.

Remember, whether we like it or not, we’re animals and we can’t control it. If you touch a rabbit’s baby too soon she’ll eat it - at least we’re better than that!

I have three and I've only felt that surge of immediate love with the middle one. I love all three of them fiercely now, it just arrived in different ways if that makes sense. I remember being told by a friend just before I had my first that not everybody gets that rush of instant love and sometimes it can be more gradual and I'm so glad we had that conversation, because I don't ever remember feeling guilty or worried about it.

My 1st I felt responsible for him but it took a while to feel like he was mine and . My 2nd I obviously felt more confident and know what to expect and I loved her as soon as I looked at her.

It wasn't instant for me, it grew with time. I had a difficult labour though and motherhood hit me like a tonne of bricks. I do remember my DC being placed in my arms and thinking, in a very removed, very objective way, 'oh that's my baby, he looks a bit bashed about.' No sudden rush of love at all, I just felt very blank.

At that point I hadn't slept for 60 hours and I'd had an emergency c section. I do wonder if my brain had started to disassociate, almost in a self-protective way. It was one of those situations where - in less medically advanced times - one or both of us wouldn't have made it, so maybe our brains recognise that and try to protect us?