Moving for better schools - feeling guilty!

[Diddlypop]

Hi All, we’ve been planning to move house for the last 18 months but now we have a buyer we’re questioning whether we’re doing the right thing. Sorry this is long but if you can get to the end, a huge thanks!

We moved to our current town (my home town) temporarily 5 years ago when our children were 18 months and 4 whilst we sold our house. We rented planning to buy further north eventually but Covid hit, our eldest started school, my partner fell in love with the place and we found our dream home so we stayed. I always had reservations about buying here. It’s a beautiful place but a bit rough around the edges when you get to know it and the education system isn’t good at all unless you get them in to grammar school which I did as a child. However, since my school days the grammar system has gone a bit mad and you now don’t stand a chance unless you sign them up to 12 months of intense tutoring.

i can’t send my kids to the alternative schools due to the bullying, drugs, police involvement at those schools plus the low expectations of the kids. My friend was told on on open evening for one by the head
of maths that the place wasn’t for her daughter if she enjoyed maths because they’d get her a low pass at GCSE but they wouldn’t be aiming to get her any higher (?!). Our primary school equally has low expectations of the kids which has been a real shame because it’s a lovely school otherwise and it could do so well. My kids are bright and despite the school are doing well but there are gaps in their education already. My eldest has also been bullied for two years and the school did little to stop it.The parents of the bullies then took it online and started trying to also bully me which I quickly put a stop to (we also dealt with the school bullying which took a while and we made enemies of some of the parents).

Our dream home turned in to a nightmare when we realised it needed a lot of work and we’ve spent most weekends for the last 4 years renovating it (the guilty feelings of not spending quality time with the kids were intense!). This period also included issues with a builder and a stressful court case which took up a lot of my time.

All in all we’ve not had a good time and so 18 months ago during the midst of the builder issues we’d had enough and decided to sell and move somewhere with better schools once the house was done.

The house is now done and it’s lovely ( if I do say so myself), my daughter has made a nice group of friends at school in the last 3 months, the primary has been taken over by an academy which is showing promise and we now have our weekends back. However, we still have a problem with the secondary schools plus the awful builder and all his mates live nearby (we won the case), and we feel like we’re running the gauntlet at school pick up trying to avoid the awful parents.

We have a buyer which should feel great but it doesn’t. We’re all having a wobble and the children are starting to get upset about moving. The housing market is a bit rubbish at the moment which isn’t helping (overpriced houses left over from the summer that have big compromises) we’re struggling to find one that comes close to what we currently have. We’re willing to make compromises, down size etc. but we’re talking moving from 3 gardens to none, moving from detached to mid terrace etc.

We’re all focusing on the good things that have happened here (there have been some) in between all the bad and I can imagine that once we move we’ll forget about the bad and have regrets!

I was moved from the terrible secondary to the grammar when I was 12 and I honestly think it changed the course of my life but we’re still questioning whether we’re doing the right thing. If you’ve read this far, thank you! What would you do?

Difficult one. Secondaries are a big part of why we're relocating. I do agree like you that they have a big impact on your life as a kid. I'm just looking for a regular local comp - moving away from rough schools with a bad rep for bullying.

You know the secondary school is bad. It's not what you want for your kids. You need to move. It's tough now but will be the right decision.

@applelovers there’s always1!

No, she wasn’t bullied for 3 years, over a period of 2 years there was bullying which we repeatedly dealt with through the school and through the parents. This was finally stopped by embarrassing the parents when they tried to do it online.

We had to wait until now to put the house on the market because the builder destroyed our house and it wasn’t in a saleable position until now.

Move. Honestly secondaries make or break education. We moved for a secondary but I kept the children in their old primary because the school run was a 15 minute drive and we factored that in. It does mean less play dates although I did drive every child back to their house rather than have the parent collect every time.

Their old primary fed into a "good" secondary but if your child was a grade 6 for GCSE they openly admitted they would focus their efforts on the child with a grade 3 to get them to a pass. The school we moved for was "outstanding" tough on discipline, pastoral was amazing, pushed every child even the grade 7s. Best decision we ever made.

How we decided on that secondary? Cast your net wider. On Rightmove put in your top budget and your requirements ie number of bedrooms, detached and then reverse the search, so look at the lowest priced properties first and then work your way up. This is how we ended up with this house. It was cheaper than our previous area because the primary (which we didn't need) was in "Requires Improvement" but the housing and area was really good and in catchment for that amazing secondary. The other local primaries were really good and all of them fed into that secondary.

No way would I be putting my kids through that secondary. Moving is always hard. It’s scary.

Thanks everyone! It’s a relief to have reassurance that prioritising their education is the right thing to do. It’s just so typical that just as we’re about to make this long-planned life changing move that my kids’ primary school suddenly improves, they make lots of friends and feel a lot more settled!

I did look in to getting them 11+ tutoring (and having gone to a grammar I also have mum-guilt that I’m not giving them the same opportunities I had), but it’s so full on- an hour in class a week plus 2 hours of practice for 12 months! Mock testing days at various points in the year and additional practice papers and homework to do. We also have two children to get in so what would we do if only one managed to?

What do you think the realistic chances of getting them into the grammar is?

The tutoring is probably less upheaval and hassle than moving house. If they're bright and you can afford the tutoring I'd be doing that.

Could you afford private schools if they don't get into grammar?

@MoonAndStarsAndSky we couldn’t afford private (and the local private isn’t great, just expensive) so that’s the problem, we could put them through the tutoring but it all comes down to how they perform on the day. If they don’t get in then we’re really stuck with no viable alternatives and too late to move and apply elsewhere.

Move. Your kids are young with zero perspective so you tell them the move is the best thing and you show them how to make the best of it.

Regarsing making friends: your dd overcame bullying issues and now knows how to make and keep friends. She can go to secondary confident in her social skills

If she stays she’ll be in a crappy school with a couple of mates who she will almost inevitably drift away from in y7 to y9.

Or she can make a fresh start at a good school where she’ll find new friends and get a better chance at a good education.

Regarding the compromises in a weak housing market: put in a cheeky offer, explain you’re proceedable, cross your fingers. Find a better builder for your new place!

Solidarity OP! Your situation sounds very similar to ours (to the point that I wondered whether we were in the same area). DP and I are currently living where we both grew up, and have been mulling over a potential move for years (pretty much since DD was born - we always said we'd probably have to move for secondary) but that hasn't made the decision-making process any easier.

DD is now 7 and at one of the better local primaries, but our secondary options (other than a couple of comps that we wouldn't touch with a barge pole) are either a super strict high control academy, or the super-selective grammar that we both attended ourselves. Like you, we feel that the tutoring/hothousing situation has gone a bit bonkers since we were there, and in any case while it's still a great school I'm not sure it would suit DS anyway - it's now very STEM-focused, with a parent demographic who are obsessive about maths in particular, and DD so far seems very much like me, in that she's an all-rounder but particularly keen on the language-based/creative areas of learning. Private would be a stretch for us, even with one DD, and I don't really rate the private schools closest to us anyway, which don't seem to offer much other than a slightly nicer environment to learn in.

Both of the areas we're looking at are classic 'move from London for greenery and good schools' type locations, so whereas our current areas is experiencing a sharp decline in school-aged kids, the schools there are full to bursting, and none of the town schools have places for in-year admissions. This would mean us joining waiting lists and probably driving DD to one of the outlying village schools, and then facing the dilemma of whether to move her again. We do have just the one child though, which gives a little more flexibility.

We are also seeing the same as you with the housing market; our current house is quite smartly done up (pre-DD - bit shabby chic now but still fine!) and very sellable, but the housing stock in our target areas is more limited and those on the market are largely big and quite dilapidated houses whose previous owners were elderly and hadn't updated them in years - proper projects. Not much seems to be shifting, and there's definitely a dearth of the reasonably sized, not to decrepit 3 bed with a decent sized garden that we're looking for. We have both sets of (now very elderly) grandparents here too, which adds to the soul-searching.

There are other push factors for us too: our current house is quite 'bijou' and weirdly configured, and while fine for us as a couple now feels cramped with even just the one child; I can't really imagine DD being a teenager here, as it's too small really for her to have any genuine space or privacy. Our areas has also deteriorated rapidly over the past couple of years, with rising crime and anti-social behaviour which means that local kids/teens no longer have much in the way of freedom - eg they are instructed to go straight home after school and not head to the town centre as this leads to fights/gang issues/muggings and stabbings. I don't really want DD's teenage years to be spent here.

As a family we are, I suppose, quite middle class, and since DD started school we're finding that our (and hence her) sensibilities don't really tally with most of the other parents'. We're much more invested in education, spend our time outside of school quite differently etc, which has meant that DD has taken quite a long time to settle in school socially (she is happy enough and now has one closeish friend, but not really a wider circle as she doesn't really gel with most of the other girls in her class). She has loved the learning side of school since Day 1 though; and adores all her teachers, so it would still be a wrench to leave. The other school parents think we're crazy for fretting about secondaries so early on, but my own school years at the grammar were pivotal for me, and I want DD to enjoy and thrive at school, not just tolerate it and jump through hoops to get the grades. I also want to get in into another primary asap to give her a decent run of making friends in KS2.

Anyway, bit of an epic post but as you can see this issue is very much on my mind too! Upshot is that I think the secondary years are pretty formative, and we are likely to make the move despite all the pitfalls I've listed above. Your DC are still young enough to make the move and thrive, so while I completely understand the dilemma, I'd say go with your original instinct and move.

Just to add that I'd also agree with @Holidays4Ever about the friendships - it was occurred to me too that DD's current peer group (who will mostly go on the attend our local academy) are essentially a nice bunch of girls, and that DD could do much worse, but the reality is that she rubs along with them OK but they're not deep friendships at this stage, and will likely shift at (or before) secondary. And then I look at the all the other kids who will be joining the secondary from other, more challenging schools (many of which I worked in myself as a teacher) and I wonder who DD's natural peer group would be. Whereas I can completely see her fitting in at either of the secondaries we're looking at (both girls' schools incidentally which is another factor driving our moving plan).

We went to our first viewing yesterday. The night before the kids were both a bit upset but they got quite excited when we got there. They loved the town and my eldest told me she’d love to live there. My eldest even got excited about the house (it wasn’t the right property for us) which was a good sign although we explained that they shouldn’t get too attached to houses at this point.
It’s going to be a lot of upheaval (and finding the right house is going to be tricky in the current market) but I’m hoping they adapt.

It sounds like you've been through a lot and the stress of a move right now might be too much.

Do you need to move right now or could you move closer to when the first needs to go to secondary school, say a year before? Sorry if I missed your dcs ages. Can you buy yourselves a year or so then move?

Maybe during that time you can work out if it might be worth trying to aim for grammar school as your kids are bright?

We had similar issues with bullying and opted to homeschool for a few years which worked for us and it bought us time. DD is now in a lovely school for sixth form. Sometimes you need to buy yourself time so if the oldest isn't heading for secondary imminently I'd give yourself a year or so to really plan that move.

I would move. Sounds like the drive round the new area went well
I lived in rough areas growing up but went to an amazing secondary school which probably changed my life.

Education first and tbh location too. You need to have the best education and the nicest place to live in. You have to move.

@Iamthemoom absolutely! I haven’t even mentioned all the terrible things that have happened to us recently- the last two years have been the absolute hardest I’ve had to deal with so now should be a period of stability and enjoying life again for us. Unfortunately, DD is in year 5 so we have to move by next summer to secure a secondary school place. Homeschool isn’t an option due to jobs (and lockdown proved this doesn’t work for DD - it was a disaster!).

Opinions welcome- would you compromise on garden for a good catchment and nice house? Some of the houses we’re looking at have tiny gardens. Our current home has around an acre of land and my sister has a big garden but she pointed out that we both only ever use the small patios directly outside the front doors so I shouldn’t be so worried about going smaller.