i really really suck...

[beanmonkey]

at this parenting lark. i am not sure i am going to explain how i am feeling very well but here goes. i am sahm, with 2 kids, who i completely love, ds, 3 and dd 16mths, but i feel an odd detachment to them. i find it so difficult to engage and sometimes feel quite withdrawn, despite numerous 'lying on the floor with ds immersing myself in lots of pieces of playmobil' attempts at play. i thought i would be good at being a mum, but i am sooooo disappointed in myself. i find it so overwhelming i sometimes find myself counting down the hours to when they are in bed again and i can retreat into myself. i worry so much that this is all having a detrimental effect on my ds. i don't really worry about my dd at all. i think this might have something to do with second child and feeling more confident, but the line from the philip larkin poem, they fuck you up your mum and dad, often repeats in my head.
my ds is quite close to me (i think anyway) and if he needs anything he wants me to do it, not my dh, like taking him to the loo, brushing his teeth, cutting up his food, buttering his toast, and i have got the fear that this is because i am making him feel insecure with all my 'withdrawing'. i find myself thinking it will better when they are x years old, but i did this when ds was a baby, and nothing has changed. i long to enjoy my children but i just don't know how to. i don't work but love the idea of part time but hate the idea of leaving them, but also want to do something for myself.
god i feel like shite. i am shite, and i also wish i could stop beating myself up as i sound quite self-pitying. i am not really sure what i want to hear from anyone else, perhaps this is proving quite cathartic anyway, but i don't really know what to do. i feel like i have lost all confidence and perspective in how i look after my kids.
am also a little bit scared of this being one of my first ever posts as have seen some scary responses on this website!
i have just read this all back and i sound like i am some rambling nutter but i am not. i am a 33 girl (don't feel grown up enough to be a lady!) who feels completely lost and a little bit frightened, and completely out of my depth.

Glad you are feeling better beanmonkey.

You know, I thought I'd be a real earth mother before I had childrn you know a real 'natural' type, as I was a nursery/reception teacher before having children and always loved children.

I discovered being a mother is a whole different ballgame and that I'm not that child centered afterall!

I thought i'd do loads of crafty, stimualting activities with them but discovered (quickly)that doing this at home with just me and one child was very tedious and usually involved more cleaning up than actrual painting/ stricking etc.

I decided that was what playgroups/nurseries were for and put the paints and easel away without any guilt.

i've had to recognise I'm not a 'natural'. I've even changed my job with this realisation that whilst I do have a 'caring' side I also ahve a competivtive business side also (big suprise).

I don't think I am a bad mother though, in fact I (usually) think I'm a pretty good mum.

I'm fun
i'm relaxed
I'm loving
I'm pretty consistent
they are the centre of my world (but not my entire world)

They are happy, content and secure in the love from me and DH.

I only tell you all this to hoghlight that the difference between you and I is that you actually sound like the better mother but are harder on yourself than I am on myself so beleive you are a bad mother.

Try to start BELEIVING you are a good Mum, becuse I'm sure you are .

SW i was a nursery teacher too and felt exactly the same! def never going back to that job, can only just about cope with my own. have come to the conclusion that working part time may be a good thing, just working now on what i could do.

Glad you starting to feel better beanmonkey.

Being a parent really makes us learn more about ourselves doesn't it? And that's a good thing!