Worried we're screwing up our kids

[D1bdab]

I feel like all we do is shout at our kids (8 & 6, boys) and I feel absolutely horrible about it. But we ask nicely 100 times and then finally lose our shit, shouting is never the first (or even 10th!) option.

I know all of the advice is that we as parents should be regulating our emotions and that we should apologise if we shout etc. But it's just. So. Fucking. Hard.

The worst time is bedtime - every single day. They turn into lunatics and we're almost chasing them around to get them to clean teeth, put PJs on and then trying to get them to chill out and lie down and be quiet is nigh on impossible. Fights over which book to read, how many pages etc. Absolute chaos, and it's the worst way to end the day when it feels like it should be a nice cosy time where we chat about the day and relax.

I'm so worried that we are screwing them up for life by being shitty parents, and our youngest is full of attitude and we tell him it isn't OK to yell at people when he is angry but that's pretty hypocritical of us.

Not even sure why I am posting.....solidarity, confirmation that I am indeed a terrible mum and need to sort my life out, advice on how to get them to bed without 1 or more people losing their mind......heeellpp :-(

You don't have to go from 'asking nicely' to
'Shouting', be firm but don't shout. And I'd put them to bed separately, mine have the same age gap and we do youngest bed time first while elder one relaxes with supper and watches tv, and then do his bedtime. No arguing over book, both get 1-1 time and it makes sense for a 6 year old to go to bed earlier than an 8 year old, even if it's just by half an hour.

I might be completely off track here but if you think your children are hyperactive, start by limiting processed food and sugar. You’d be surprised what difference it can make after a month or two.

Do they have a routine? Do they experience (age appropriate) consequences of their deliberately antagonistic behaviour or decisions (don’t mean genuine mistakes here, just instances when they are told one thing and do the opposite)?

Or do you just bottle things up and are ‘nice’ until you explode? Being firm but calm and seeing the consequences through might work better perhaps?

You seem worn out. You don’t have to be perfect, just good enough.

Mine has a marble jar and gets a marble if he does stuff in a civilised manner. Gets a prize when the jar is full.

If he's naughty he gets a warning and if he gets to 3 warnings it's time out or no screens or whatever.

He's 6.

It's very difficult though and I've snapped at him a fair few times today, he's just been so demanding. I hate the not listening 😭watching this thread for further advice

Don't do the things you think you should do. Do what works for you. So prewarning and put up a picture schedule of what happens at bed time.
If possible, divide and conquer.
Pebbles or whatever in a jar - each has own jar - for good behaviour
Think about a teacher who was firm but fair at your school and channel that person. Slow down in your speach, don't use too many words.

Above all, keep calm.

However, all easier said than done and it is bloody hard. Our eldest was a bugger for getting up. Also, ignore, ignore, ignore and consequence in a small but tangible way. Bribery via being taken out for a cooked breakfast at the weekend always worked.
Good luck!

How do the fights over the books and pages happen?

Op stagger the bed time. No screen for an hour before bed. You have my sympathy I used to have the same problem with my sons. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Another trick is to ask them what they would like (new game etc). Reward chart and when they get to a certain amount they get a treat. So a week of good behaviour the prize could be a trip to the cinema. It does work x good luck i know it's not always easy x 🙏💐❤️

DS has a marble jar, he gets marbles for certain everyday tasks, making his bed, going to bed nicely without running around/getting up (other than for the toilet), tidying away his toys, staying in bed until his alarm, and a few other things, we set them together. Once the jar is full he gets a visit from some fairies over night who leave him a present and empty the jar, the presents are small some stickers, a Lego man, a book. If he isn't listening, is rude, refuses to do as he is asked he can also lose marbles, meaning it takes longer for the jar to fill. You can do the same with sticker charts etc, DS is five but it works well.
I think unless they are in danger once you start shouting, you lose the upper hand challenging their behaviour, because you're doing something you tell them is unacceptable.

ETA you don't need the fairy aspect! It's just something we've done since ds was younger!

Second the marble jar idea - when things get too negative in our house we bring that out and it really does work. Until we start assuming things are all rosy and stop dishing them out. It then gradually goes back to nag city until the marbles are back in use

I have two boys (one is still a baby) but I treat my eldest like a puppy, tons of exercise (at least 3 hours a day) feed him regularly (no sugar/no upf) firm but fair and a stern tone that he’s a bit wary of, he’s way too tired at bed time to try any nonsense. As above I’d try cutting sugar/upf down to bare minimum and massively upping physical activity to see a big change, apologies if you already do these things

Re bed times - some kids need like a crazy 20 mins or so before wind down time starts. Can you give them 20mins for rough and tumble play and then start the calmer bedtime routine?

In general - yes not loosing your shit is hard sometimes. I do agree with PP about finding something that works for you and not just doing what you think you should do.

Decide on the things that they actually need to do and let other things go. Give instructions rather than questions e.g 'put your toys away' not 'can you put your toys away please?'. Then help them do it if needed. If they don't help then the toys that they didn't put away can't be used tomorrow. Don't keep asking them to do it.

I think we're all guilty of getting into patterns that are hard to change. Especially at bed times....like please just go to sleep so I can go and have a cup of tea and stare into the void!

i am very smug.. i never shouted at my kids once! they knew when my tone dropped.. trouble was on the way lol!!

even as adults, they can't bare the 'look' apparently i have.

my daughter recently told me that the hardest thing she ever heard me say was 'i'm not mad, i'm disappointed!' and she hated it.

What are the consequences?

If they argue about the book then you need to say that there's no book tonight.

So firstly...solidarity....it is frickin hard! Some days worse than others too depending on how tired/hormonal you are!

Secondly, I know someone who spent his 60 year career in childhood psychology. One of the front runners for the gentle parenting (not permissive parenting) movement. He says it's arguably better for kids to be shouted at now and again than to have passive parents who don't uphold boundaries. So take from that what you will (am not here to argue his points, just saying what I was told!).

Thirdly, my fave phrase is 'If I have to ask again it will be a shout', it usually is enough to avoid the shout, but also means they've had a forewarning and the fallout if it does get to shouty times isn't usually so emotional.

Fourthly, something that helped us was booking in regular one on one time with each kid. Even if it's just 10 minutes here and there. Playing a board game, reading a book, take one with you on the daily dog walk and make that 'your thing', seems to have helped stop them from competing for attention at bedtimes.

Lastly I'd recommend reading (or listening to) Calmer, Happier, Easier Parenting. She has some good tips on how to 'never ask twice' (though tbh the best we've managed is rarely ask twice) and to generally get more cooperative, independent, considerate children. Our house is by no means perfect, there's still a perimenopausal woman and two ferrel children in it...but we're definitely a lot more harmonious than we were before I read that book. I'd even say we get along these days and 6 out of 7 bedtimes are genuinely enjoyable! Another one is How to Talk So Little Kids Listen and if you have the energy Siblings Without Rivalry, though I'd prioritise them in that order.

Hope these help you as much as they did me. We're almost unrecognisable from where we were 2 years ago when I felt like I was drowning in poor behaviour and spending my life constantly in fight or flight mode.

PS also saw something once which said our brains don't stop developing till we're in our mid 20's, so you def haven't screwed them up yet 😉

Please don't worry about messing them up. A lot of those core memories don't start getting developed until the teen years so you've got some time to sort it out. Try being firm but calm and don't give yourself a hard time. I have to remind myself that if anyone else spoke to me the way my kids do sometimes I would happily never see them again! You are people too and the likelihood is this will all be something you remind them of when they are older and having children themselves.

There is not a hope mine would do separate bedtimes 😂😂😂😂

Yeah seriously, my friends and I regularly say we're in toxic relationships with our children. They talk to us like shit and we just keep pouring in the love 😂Mainly the threenagers tbh...

@Positivenancy if they were fighting and arguing every bedtime they shouldn't get a choice though. Different things for different people obviously but it's worth a go for the OP

I would say try to be really consistent. Each parent take one child and the same parent with the same child every night until things settle.
This is probably a controversial thing to say but in my opinion some children are just way easier to parent than others. A family with two timid quiet girls looks very different behaviour wise to a family with two high energy rough and tumble boys.
When one of my children is out of the house I feel like supermum with the other two as they are so quiet and obedient. Kid no. 3 comes back and the house is a chaotic noisy whirlwind again.