How to deal with unsolicited advice from MIL?

[AJ2024]

Hi guys,

I just wanted some tips on how to deal with unsolicited advice. My DD is 7months and my MIL is absolutely in love with her. So much so I'm bombarded with UA every single visit. Here are some examples of what is said to me regularly:

1. She constantly advised me to give solids to DD from a month old as this must have been the reason she was not sleeping thru the night

1. That my DD is always cold and needs multiple layers (HV suggested my DD was actually overdressed)

1. That my daughter is not sleeping at night because she is still hungry so I should feed her constantly.

1. That if I was desperate enough to sleep I would let my DD sleep in my bed and "dont you think its selfish to not co sleep with your DD?"

Theres obviously more, but after combatting these claims with new and updated advice she still doesnt listen, and its becoming draining hearing "dress that baby its cold in here" , "you need to feed her lots before bed then she will sleep". "If your that desperate for sleep you will co-sleep with her". It makes me not want to express any of my feelings or difficulties in motherhood because it just makes me feel like theres always something I'm not doing! And TRUST me, I have tried alot of things with DD.

Side note: I'm doing all of this whilst recovering from PPD and MIL is aware of this but these comments haven't really stopped. Any advice on how to deal with this in a way that wont ruin relationships? Shes raised 3 kids, I dont want to come across like I'm undermining her.

Thanks!

The ideal answer would be patiently and calmly, but this is the real world and you have already tried that.
I am a relatively new grandparent and very much tried to bite my tongue, huge difference was that it was my daughter not a DIL so she could answer me differently and we could discuss how advice has changed.
Because she is harping on about the same things again and again you could point this out, ask if she realises that she is undermining your confidence and tell her that you don’t want to fall out or limit how much she sees grandchild but there is a danger of that happening.
Even better would be if your husband told her!

We have family members who do this not just with this it can be buying a car, making a cup of tea how to cook dinner, how best to look after children. After decades of it, we find not engaging or arguing back or defending and doing your own thing is best. Like they didn’t say anything you just keep going.

They are just immature, controlling people. Don’t let their advice affect what you know to be best for you and your child but don’t argue back with them either it wastes your energy.

We will do what we think is best for us thanks is my answer on repeat.

Would your health visitor have a word?

Undermining her? WTF? You are the child's mother?

"Thanks MIL. Noted." Firm voice

"Thanks, but I'm happy she's ok. I've managed to keep her alive this far"

"Medical advice has changed over the years. Co-sleeping is really discouraged. Yes lots of kids will be perfectly fine but I'm not willing to risk being that unlucky and neither is DH"

"She's probably teething" Shrug

"Gosh, she's sleeping straight through 8 hours now, I've never felt better."

How many visits? Do you need to be distinctly less available?

Can you send her a note to say I love you very much and could you do me a favour - tone down on the advice. I know you mean well and I love for it but I feel bombarded by conflicting advice from everyone and need to find my own way. See you for cuppa and cuddle with baby on ...

How often does she visit?
Is your partner there when she comes?

I'm afraid I would have to say something crystal clear like PLEASE STOP TELLING ME HOW TO LOOK AFTER MY OWN BABY.

She's had her turn at motherhood and needs to be put firmly back in her box.

If it’s stressing you out when you’re already at a vulnerable enough point in your life and she won’t stop, I would just politely decline visits or reduce them as much as possible until she gets the hint.

I had the same thing (although the in-laws lost interest by 7 months) and they were just so overbearing and I couldn’t actually get near my own baby when they came for their lengthy visits. It stressed me out so much to the point I was crying when they left a few times. They are now no help whatsoever to us and don’t even ask how the kids are for months on end. I found the only way I could handle ‘answering them back’ if you like, was to say things directly to the baby sometimes. Like ‘oh you’re getting tired aren’t you?’ hint hint, leave. ‘Oh you’re warm enough aren’t you’ or saying she wanted to come back to her mum. It’s a hard enough job without having to fight your way through these things. If people aren’t supporting and helping at this point in your life, I would cut visits as much as possible. People would say to me that my husband could just take the baby to their house so we’d ticked that box but in the early days the thought of my baby being at their house getting passed about, maybe being tired or needing me and I wasn’t there, just stressed me out even more.

One of the best tips I’ve ever seen on here is when someone puts you down or says something rude, the best response you can give (in the most confused/shocked tone as possible) is ‘sorry?’ 🤔 It buys you a bit of time to think of an answer and also highlights to everyone else in the room that the person has been rude when they hear them have to say it again

Just be very blunt as she is choosing to not to read your body language or take on board your polite push backs.

She is more driven to satisfy her own impulsive anxieties and need for control than she is for educating herself on new clinical guidence or consider the impact of her advice/ behaviour on you or your DC.

Never say 'Thanks - but x, y, z'

Dont get dragged into the detail of each thing - have the same calm response each and every time.

'Please stop. Your advice is both outdated and uninvited and I feel irritated by it'

No doubt she will blow up, huff and puff, these types always DARVO - but see it as 'bad weather' - it will pass and take yourself physically away from itif necessay.

These precious weeks and months are finite. You need to cherish and protect them - put in boundaries - see yourself and your joyous experienceof motherhood as the priority - not appeasing some over bearing character.

Have your DH tell her in no uncertain words to BACK OFF.

I’m still struggling with this

I think unfortunately, that sometimes with people like this you either need to be able to have a frank conversation that just because you're sharing your experience of having a child, doesn't mean you are looking for advice on it - some people assume if you are talking (/complaining) about something then you need to be told how to fix it. OR, if you know they won't take that well, or it won't change anything, just do not complain to them about anything ever, save that for other people. If they ask how the baby is sleeping 'really well', if they ask for more details, 'I've got no complaints, she's doing well' and then change the subject! Also, just ignore some comments if they're kind of thrown out there; change the conversation onto a tv show or literally anything else.
My mum can't help herself, but I just don't let it bother me, but she's also not likely to get offended when I ignore her so we just muddle along. I know I'm doing what's right for my child.

Eh?

My mil was like this and took the smile and nod approach most of the time but did snap a few times. Drove me mad.

Your MIL may have raised her child/children in a time before central heating, where babies wore more clothing than they need to now. Hence the pressure shes'putting you under with over dressing you baby.

She needs to keep her comments to herself or she runs the risk of inadvertently creating distance between you and her. Speak to her sooner rather than later about her interference, just tell her you know she means well and that her interference must stop, it is now your time to be a mother.

She may have an attitude or a face like a slapped ass but at least this could prevent a massive blow out row with her when it all gets too much.

Hope this helps.

"Doris, isn't it fascinating how people do things differently?"

Big smile, carry on as you were.

I find using a light tone but semi-serious language, and then repetition, to be the most helpful strategy in situations like this. I think in this case I'd say "I'm happy with my decision..." (then add whatever the decision is).

"I'm happy with my decision not to co sleep."
"I'm happy with my decision on her outfit today."
"I'm happy with my decision to give her a bottle now."

The key is to repeat that first part word for word, every time. The repetition sticks in people's heads and it highlights how often they're doing it.

Thanks for all your experiences and advice so far ladies, luckily my husband is fully supportive of me and will stick up for me when it comes to this stuff. But MIL doesnt listen to him either.

We've decided to put MIL on an information diet as suggested by some of you above, I've decided I'm not gonna go into detail about DD. She means well but its just not coming across 'well'. As for limiting visits, those may be cut down to save my sanity, I'm sure DD wont really notice at this age anyway!

Facts - it’s stressing you out. The advice is
rank. She won’t listen to you or your OH.

Response: in a quiet word from your OH saying that she needs to back off as it’s stressing you out. MILs job is to be supportive and if she doesn’t then she can’t come over unless he is around. Give the problem to your OH.

Then if she doesn’t stop, even once given this info, then step away. She can’t come round unless OH is looking after. It will not get better and if you don’t deal with this now her behaviour will dominate.

You are your child’s parent. You get to call the shots. Done.

Good luck.