Getting out of the house in the morning - help!

[k80pie]

School mornings are impossible with DS6 and something has to change, but I don't know what to try. I feel like we have tried absolutely everything and we are back to square one. Star charts, written morning routine on fridge, waking up earlier.

We wake him at 7am, but he stays in bed and just will not get up. Or he starts reading. The idea is that he should get dressed by 7.30 then come to the breakfast table. Breakfast is meant to finish by 8am then teeth, shoes etc and leave house at 8.20am. But he stalls and stalls - tries to keep reading while getting dressed, which means he just sits there glued to a book half dressed - everything ends up a rush and there's nagging and even sometimes yelling and I hate it, but I don't know how else to get him to do what he needs to do. Have tried being tough and just opening the door at 8.20 when his teeth are unbrushed, no socks on, half eaten breakfast - he just gets upset and ends up rushing all those things.

-isn't motivated by star chart enough any more and just cries when I say he won't get the sticker (again)
-is a major bookworm and will find anything to read to basically just stall, even his baby sisters books, so taking books away doesn't work
-no major problems at school, has great friends he runs off and plays with when we arrive

Any ideas welcome!

Have you tried a timer?
Setting it for each deadline... Dressed..breakfast etc
Or / and letting him read once he's all ready.
If he's all ready by 8am he can read till it's time to go.

What is he getting from the star chart? Could you incorporate his love of books in? I.e. he gets a new book, you read with him for X amount of time when he gets so many stars. Audiobooks/allowed to read favourite author in car for journey?

Great idea, I will try! Thank you!

I would stand over him until he was dressed, take book off him. He can have it to read after breakfast/teeth.

He gets an ice-cream on the way home from school on a Friday afternoon - not sure how we got to that reward lol. Needless to say, not many ice-creams have been bought :/
Good idea on the book thing. He does know he can read once he's ready but somehow I need to make this more appealing. We just go with library books at the moment as he reads them incredibly fast and we can't really justify the cost of a new book every week :( He has a yoto player (which is amazing) and I'm always getting new content but the drive to school is about 3 mins long so he wouldn't get much story!

Adults washed dressed and ready first
Wake up, curtains opened and he gets up and visits the toilet before you leave the room
Annoyingly chipper music on (or an audio book) and a smile on your face
everyone sat at the table having breakfast,
have his (and any other children's) uniform in the kitchen, and face cloth and toothbrush.
After breakfast get washed and dressed in the kitchen,
shoes on,
everyone out the door

Keep it light and positive, avoid transitions between rooms

If you drive to school then washed and dressed, shoes on in the car and pack all children a packed breakfast, eat in the car when you get to school. Stick a spare change of uniform in the boot incase of accidents. Limit the time faffing at home. Listen to an audio book the whole time if he likes that.
Get the Libby app for free library ebooks and audio books, andthebbc soundsapp for CBeebies/CBBC content you can download and listen to

He gets up, gets dressed, has breakfast, teeth, hand-wash, etc. Then he gets a book. End of and no negotiation.

A suggestion based on what we did with my DD in nursery and infant years. Get dressed together upstairs (if not with you then dad?) while listening to the radio (or an audio book so your ds can follow a story from one morning to the next). We listened to The Today Programme, which gave rise to lots of silliness (my daughter, now 21, still remembers me saying 'Your friend Gordon Brown', which she would then repeat in an exaggerated way). Or, especially if your ds likes music, you could sing songs with memorable lyrics. The Beatles are good for singing along to. Then down to breakfast with you or dad.

Reading your account, I'm struck by the fact that you are trusting him to focus on what YOU need him to do but other things, specifically reading, matter more to him. He's too young to see the big picture like you do. When we were struggling with toilet training and I was fed up with washing several pairs of soggy knickers each day, I learnt by chance about learning readiness. Once I realised that getting to the loo in time just didn't matter to dd, I relaxed and let things take their course. So my suggestion is really about there being a supervisory parent around so the things get done that need to be done, but making it a fun half hour for him spent with one of his parents. I appreciate you have a smaller child to care for, which I didn't. Good luck!

Thanks @Singleandproud and @RosesAndHellebores . He is pretty stubborn and defiant, even though we have a close relationship and he's a lovely kid otherwise. Agree there should be no negotiation. But I can't physically lift him out of bed, and I don't want to stand over him yelling?!

So stand in his room and sing and dance and get him up, open the curtains, take the bed clothes off the bed in a light way, you don't have to be aggressive or angry about it but either way he is getting up.

Thanks @IdaGlossop for your thoughtful reply. A lovely strategy - but we don't have that time to spend in the morning now we have two unfortunately - we both have to get ready, make lunch, breakfast - the baby is the one that needs and gets the supervision :(

.. or a water pistol, but you might start something you regret. Maybe shoot at (around) him with a nerd gun till hes up instead.

You are expecting a level of independence and accountability from him that many teens don't have.

Actually, less than half an hour. More like 10/15 minutes to get dressed, have a wee, wash face and brush teeth.

10/15 minutes - see my supplementary comment. Another thought: could you put his clothes in the bathroom to keep him away from books while he gets dressed?

Maybe he needs longer to get going in the morning. Wake him up at 6. Get him to bed earlier the night before. Might be worth a try

As a PP said, move everything down to the kitchen - uniform, toothbrush etc.

When you wake him he comes straight downstairs for breakfast and then gets dressed and teeth brushed in the kitchen. You could have his book ready on the table for him so that he has it as soon as he's ready for school?

We found that less chaotic than 'losing' the DC when they disappeared back upstairs to get dressed or do teeth. Also means you can deal with DC2 in the same place.

My 7 year old has ADHD and is an absolute disaster in the mornings. EVERYTHING is a distraction, DH leaves at 7am and I have a 2 year old as well. We do no TV until he’s ready, but the key is that I’m literally stood over him making him do what he needs to do.

One instruction at a time, reminders, physically putting clothes on him when needed. Younger DS was given a small basket of toys when he was a baby, and pretty much just roamed around adding to the chaos. I need to be showered and dressed before DH leaves. Sometimes it helps to turn it into a race, DS likes to win against me

Can he sleep in his uniform?!

Agree he needs to be woken earlier.. or eat bfast in the car.

We brush teeth in car after seat belts are on. It's a fucking nightmare otherwise

I think the problem is that you allowed this to become habitual before the baby and he now gets attention through it. It's hard but you will have to coach him out of it.

Perhaps remember he's a baby himself still (metaphorically at least) at six and has had his world tocked by a baby. Could you give him 15 minutes of quality reading time with you (the baby might just have to cry for 15 minutes) then get him dressed and downstairs.

Could you not make lunches in the evening? I used to get everything ready the night before. Shoes lined up in the hall with bags, PE kit/musical instruments if needed, etc. Their clothes were out, (so were mine) they were bathed the night before, so just a matter of wee, hands, face and they had toothbrushes in the downstairs loo. Admittedly, it was a bit of a military operation but DH was always out before 7 and I got dressed before he went. He used to bring me a cup of tea and the baby at 6! (In the heady days when they slept in the nursery from 6 weeks).

I recall dressing dd at 6/7 for speed (she was my procrastinator) but she had no choice because we had to be out by 8. By the time she was 6 they were at different schools in opposite directions!

Our gap was less, at 3.5 years, so perhaps logistically different but I remember feeling pleased when she was 8 days old and DH was back at work and mother had gone home, that I got ds to nursery at 8.55 with everyone dressed and fed and I even had some make-up on. It wasn't until I stepped out of the car that I realised I had no shoes on!

It's all a distant memory now, but I often smile as I hear dd bang the front door shut at 6.55am. She gets tea and toast at school at 7.15, and is taking the register at 8.45! 😀

Yip a timer.
Rack them to get dressed with you but not ultra stressful fast.
Once they are dressed& organised they can read, play until leaving time.
Bribery with a small favourite treat after a few good days.

change things up then you and the baby get up earlier get dressed organise breakfast and lunches and wake him up at 7.15 / 7.30 you and the baby stay with him get him dressed downstairs for breakfast .

Then eating at 7.30 teeth then he can read till it’s time to leave.

Also worth changing the star chart to a new book/ being able to stay up an extra 10 mins each day if he is motivated by books .

You've got far, far, far too much time.
An hour to get dressed and eat breakfast?? That's a ridiculous amount of time. No wonder he finds other things to do!

I'd suggest a completely new morning.
You will open his door, and put a side light on at 7. If he wakes at that point onwards, he can read in bed. Then at ??7.45?? you go and get him up, stay with him while he gets dressed - a 5 min job, surely - then come downstairs for breakfast. You stay in the kitchen, with baby being fed/dressed/whatever is needed at that point, then at 8.10 teeth, 8.15 shoes, and out the door.
Make it clear there is no messing time once you are up. Or go with the other arrangement of waking him at 7 (I really wouldn't wake if you don't have to) get everything done, and then book or other time-wasting activity he wants. But the actual getting ready needs to happen fairly close together, without opportunity to get distracted.

Another vote for breakfast before uniform. Breakfast is a good incentive to get out of bed. If you're comfortable with it you can use TV as bribery too. Also, my DM always used to do this when I was little, she'd lie and pretend it's later than it is and say I'd have to rush or I'd be late.*

We do breakfast plus TV which gets dd out of bed and downstairs.
She happily sits watching and eating while dh and I whirlwind around getting ourselves, the baby, the bags etc ready.
Then we do teeth brushing and uniform in a bit of a rush at the end pretending we're running late (but we aren't).

*my DM kept this up so long even after I could confidently read an analog clock, I found out around 9-10yo that she'd actually changed the clock in my room to be 15min later than the real time! For years! I wondered why I'd sometimes wake up at "7", be out the house and onto scheduled transport that left at 7

What about making sure uniform etc is downstairs the night before and tooth cleaning etc can also happen downstairs. So once he's up you can supervise more closely. How fantastic that he's a book work worm. Would he be motivated to read to you (2 mins) or have a special book to read once he's ready for the morning?

I would remove any books from his room and have a reading area down stairs.