Mother in law

[Smiler27]

Looking for some advice ,
I’ve been with my partner for 11 years we have 2 kids age 9 and 3 and both work full time.
we struggle sometimes with childcare my mum will help out as much as she can even swapped her weekend days off to week days off to help with my son and throughout school holidays,
my partners mum isn’t very helpful at all as she works and has a very good social life, she won’t have the kids over night or through holidays and sometimes doesn’t see them for months at a time even though she lives 10 minutes away . My partner and his mum are very close and he always goes down there ( without the children) and always on the phone but doesn’t ask to speak to the kids when doing so. My partner doesn’t see this as a issue as she wasn’t there when he was growing up but I struggle on this as I do see it’s a issue especially when she’s in constant need of things being done down her home by my partner (but won’t take the kids) I’ve explained even a hour a month would help me have five to myself and help my mental health but they don’t seem to care about that issue it always lands on my mum to help and when I speak up they say it’s you that needs help that’s why my mum should do it,
my mum lives in a 2 bedroom house with my brother but has them over to sleep one at a time so sometimes my friends will have my other child so I can have a sleep .
my partners mum has a 4 bedroom home with just her and sometimes rents bedrooms out on air bnb.
am I over reacting when I feel like she doesn’t like my children or want to spend time with them?
I feel a burden on my mum and friends but sometimes are so burned out I long for a hour to myself

Whilst it would be beneficial for you if your MIL was as willing and available to help as your mother, you're being unfair comparing the two. The size of your MIL's house is irrelevant, I'm afraid.

Pay for childcare.
Agencies can provide you with one-off nannies so you can get your child free time even if you don’t commit to a full service. Or maybe a local teenager looking for some pocket money.

Your MIL has no obligation to provide childcare. The issue is your DH as is often the case.

He needs to be taking responsibility for the children so you can have time to yourself.

Pop out to your mums yourself for the afternoon, leaving the DC with him

I think if you need extra childcare you're probably going to need to pay for it in that situation!

If you need 5 for your mental health, can't your partner just take the kids on his own for a bit?

Reading from your post, if she wasn't present for your partners childhood, I can't imagine her suddenly changing and being super kid focused for grandchildren

My partner doesn’t see this as a issue as she wasn’t there when he was growing up

why do you think she’ll suddenly be there for grandkids when she wasn’t there for her own? It’s a shame but it won’t change.

You have a partner problem (as usual).

im sorry, but you brought your children into the world but then expect mum and/or mil to look after them so you can have a break? Its not their job, they done their bit raising kids, don’t need to be raising yours too.
sorry if that sounds blunt and i will probably get slammed for being unsympathetic but your mum/mil have no duty to babysit your kids xx

Thank you for all the advice ,
We do pay for child care which has been costing £600+ a month and that’s with my mother helping child care isn’t a issue now as my youngest is starting school,
it’s more about the bond that isn’t there my daughter and son idolises her and always asks to go down there but she is always busy.

as my daughter is getting older she is questioning why she’s always with me and my mum and never them.
I would never expect anyone to bring up my children as they are my children but I was always around both grandparents growing up which helped shaped me as a person I am today they gave me certain traits in life which my mum never like gardening , certain cooking and baking skills ect .
Im guessing you all don’t have help from the grandparents.
shall I just carry on and ignore the fact there isn’t a bond between them and stop trying to pursue one? I suffer from PTSD and sometimes my thoughts run wild. Thanks xx

Yes, you can’t force people to bond with your kids- its her loss, besides its not your job to make sure there is a relationship between MIL and kids its your partners, its his mum. It is also your partners/your job to make sure each of you get a break when you need it.
No i have no help from grandparents, only time grandparents have babysat my kids is when i have been in labour- literally partner will go home couple hours after baby is born to take over lol.
I know alot of people have help from grandparents and i often feel bad for said grandparents as they have done their time raising kids- what you are going through right now, they have been there n done that, grandkids are ment to be enjoyed and handed back for the parenting crap lol xx

I grew up without any grandparents nearby (dad’s parents died before I was born and my mum’s were 200 miles away).

My parents are 30 miles away and DH’s 250 miles so DD has different relationships with them, but that’s fine. She’s a teenager now and accepts that my parents want to be more involved and her dad’s only bother when she’s up there. (After years of them ringing DH weekly to tell him what everyone else is doing and who has died (that he doesn’t know) and never asking anything about DD I cut contact with them completely and it’s for DH to manage that relationship. DD is wise and less eager to spend hours in the car to see them these days. I see it as natural consequences.)

I think this is we’re I struggle to
understand as I had the most loving and supportive grandparents and they enjoyed our company just as much as we enjoyed there’s don’t get me wrong they used to love handing us back to our parents but we were never a burden to them, as my nan would always quote- family is the circle of life. That’s why we had so much love and respect for them we nursed them as a family until the end and made sure they passed in the same house so there souls stay together ( I wouldn’t want my mother in law to go through all that alone as the kids don’t know her to feel comfortable to comfort her)
my partner has always said his nan , grandpa and aunty always looked after him as his mum was always working so he also spent the majority of his life in his grandparents care.
and cause we live in the same small village I just hoped she would of made a better relationship with our children but I am also glad that she’s now making a better relationship with her son now.
Its hard to cut contact with her as my partner thinks it will make things awkward and I’m being selfish but it does upset me when he’s constantly down there and not involving the children or no one asks about them or wants to see them.
i know it is her loss but I also feel like it’s my children’s loss and they won’t experience her love and traits and she won’t experience there love and they have so much to give her.
I think I just love to much and live in my own mind sometimes where I thought it we would all grow into this big happy family and enjoy all the occasions , holidays school concerts ect and hold onto that hope but listening to all your stories I see I’m not the only one and I’m just lucky to have my kids partner and mum as some don’t even get that xx

If she didn't raise her own son/your DH herself could it simply be that she doesn't particularly like children or enjoy their company? Some people simply don't. It doesn't make them inherently terrible people.

It sounds like you have a very very close family yourself so to you this seems the norm, but not all families see their grandparents every week.

It's a shame if she literally never wants to see them, but if she's still working full time herself I don't think it's outrageous for her not to be offering childcare.

I can totally understand that you would prefer it if she has a better relationship with your DC but the sad truth is that you can't force her to take an interest in them.

She may well start to once they're older and can look after themselves or her a bit better.

I'd have a word with your DH though. It's absolutely fine that he sees his DM. What's not find us that he regularly goes without the DC.

I think if he's gluing say twice a week he should either take them once or cut his visit down to once a week.