WWYD? Child’s friend and their social media

[Pl242]

At a birthday party we held for our son earlier this summer, one of the girls brought a phone. I ended up having to take it off her as she was distracting other kids away from the party, taking videos. I was sure I saw her uploading something too. They are 8/9.

When the parents came to pick up I had a bit of an awkward though fine chat with the mum. She apologised and said she should have not left the phone with her. When I mentioned uploading she was adamant that this didn’t happen. It was just taking videos on the phone.

However I have since discovered that this child does have an open social media account with these videos and countless other things uploaded. Nothing massively inappropriate in itself but I feel this is wholly unsuitable given the age of the child.

So do I speak to parents given they stated no uploading happening? School? Just keep quiet? I wonder if parents do know and just wouldn’t say to me. Wwyd?

Since the parent was adamant her daughter wants uploading them I would definitely let the parent know. It sounds like the parent isn't aware. So they might really appreciate being told about it.

If the parent does know and was just trying to appease you you can just take what she said at face value....and then the parent will know you know theyllat they are uploaded and that you think it's not appropriate which might help them to see it's not on anyway.

I’ve looked at the account in a bit more detail (YT) and I’m a bit flabbergasted tbh. Nothing awful in the content per se (but a fair amount of it sounding like what I imagine the backing track to TikTok teenage accounts to be). But I just can’t believe kids this age have these open yt accounts with countless subscribers, going live from their bedrooms, dancing, games etc. I’ve discovered a few more from the class have these too. They’re 8 and 9!

I don’t know if I’m incredibly naive but just can’t fathom why we’re here yet with this stuff.

Part of me feels like I should tell the parents in case they are ignorant of it/horrifued. But I suspect they’re not and I really worry about raising it, our involvement getting back to the kids and my kid gets the brunt of it in class, ie your mum got my yt account shut down, can’t believe your parents don’t let you have this stuff etc.

Say nothing to the parents.

She's already in denial mode .

"Hi Jane, I've just noticed that Sylvia has uploaded the videos of Dave's birthday party onto Youtube. We'd really prefer it not be on social media, could you ask her to take it down? Thanks".

And then report to the school.

This is perfect.

School won’t do anything this is definitely a parenting issue unless the videos are taken on school property.
Why is the default ‘schools’ doesn’t it take a village?

No, it’s not the schools responsibility, but many schools run events for parents re online safety, and also cover it in IT . PSHE and Assemblies, so they might want to bring forward those safeguarding events if they know they have a cohort of children uploading stuff to TikTok etc. Kids dancing in their bedrooms sounds innocent enough , but it is the sort of innocent behaviour that can be manipulated and abused by predatory minds.

Thank you for replies. I’ll be thinking over what to do/what not to do.

At the moment I just feel very sad that I’m even having this dilemma.

Kids on social media like this is so worrying imo.

Report the account to the social media platform. Users have to be at least 13 and the account will be removed.

100% this. It's breezy and non-judgmental but gets your request across clearly.

It might be an idea to save or take stills from the videos before you message her as her DD may delete them before Mum sees them.

Your child's party has been put on SM without your permission. You have every right to ask for it to be removed and I think you'll be doing both the Mum, in that she is clearly unaware of what her DD is up to, and the DD a favour, as she clearly isn't aware that posting other people on SM without their permission isn't OK.

i would 100% tell the mum like previous poster said in a these are online way. My son’s friends mum told him no YouTube channel or TikTok on his iPad. He could watch YouTube or tik toks on her phone. And a week later she not only discovered he’d open his own YouTube and tik tok but he’d uploaded videos from his room with the location still on so basically strangers had there address!! She was furious with him. He’s 9

You can ask for footage of the party to be taken down absolutely as it was taken in your house.

However- in general- not your kid, not your choices - if the parents are batshit enough to allow it- that's up to them.
Just make sure phones are not allowed at any future gatherings at your house- thats the only thing you can control.

Your mistake was in not getting the child to show you the videos and then deleting them in front of you before you confiscated the phone.

Now she's shared them and you will have to deal with a shit parent who probably won't get the child to remove the videos.

You can threaten the parents with reporting an underage account.

Don't be nice about it, let them know how angry you are at your child's party being filmed without permission.

tell the parent. If you have concerns about the films because your child appears in them, report them to the platform. Maybe let other parents know if their children are visible.
Let the parent know you are doing this.

way too young to be on sm im sure its 13 for most sites now

I would be livid. My kids can’t be on SM due to issues around their father. People can be so thoughtless. I’d calmly ask the mum to have it removed and if she refused I’d report the underage account.

This sounds like something my 8 year old would try to do - it’s why she doesn’t have the ability to upload on any platform! The parents need to know because either they don’t know she has this access (naive) or they do and they don’t see a problem.

Either way, you’re allowed to ask for the video from your home to be removed and by bringing it up, it could be a reality check for the parents.

I would:

1. approach the parents as suggested above - casual and non judgemental but sets your own boundaries and makes sure they know.
2. on the sly report the accounts as being <13yrs old to the social media host eg YouTube.
3. if school does offer awareness type seminars, suggest online and social media safety as a topic.

I do not put any images of my child online at all and regularly mention this offhand and casually, because then I find people ask me why and it gives me an opportunity to educate (I work in an area where I am regularly in contact with those who have been exploited, abused online and those who are the perpetrators).

I would contact the school.

Im pretty sure they aren’t supposed to have their own account at that age and there are some potential safeguarding issues, let alone risk of bullying etc (had that with dc1 when they were in Y6).
But the fact several children in the class do that is an issue

The mum either tried to placate you or is in denial. I doubt she’d be listening to you tbh.

Thanks for further replies.

My main worry is not the one video posted from my child's party onto the YT account. My child isn't in it, the party wasn't at our house, no identifiable info/location etc. However two other children are in it. The kid has posted it up with emoji faces on the kids involved but not massively effective. I suppose I could take the angle of - this needs to come down, kids were put in my care whilst at party and now a video of them is up on sm with no consent - but at least one of the two has a similar YT account and has commented on said video!

I think I will have a word generally to say, I've found this account off the back of the party (having seen something being uploaded and thought I'd double check etc, can put this on my other half etc as being the one who'd "seen the account name" etc), and as she said no uploading was happening that I thought she would want to know as a) it has happened at our kids party and b) thought she would want to know given her child has an adult YT account that is open to all to view and with hundred of subscribers that she seems to be actively trying to increase.

In an ideal world I would hope that she takes this seriously, gets her kid off SM, which is good for her kid, my kid and the others in their peer group. But I suspect she either already knows and doesn't care/won't see the risks in it.

I fear some consequence may come to my child if she handles this in the wrong way, ie. her kid says your Mum moaned about my YT etc. But I feel on balance I need to say something so will have to run the risk and deal with anything else as it arises.

I will consider reporting to YT depending on how the conversation goes, but if parents are on board then another account would probably just be created.

The issue of the school is interesting. As others have said it's a parenting issue first and foremost and can understand school taking view of "if it's not on school time/property, not our issue." the school is very good and does a lot for safety for the kids and also for parents, but the parents actually have to engage with the info don't they!

But OTOH, is there a safeguarding issue here? ie these 8yolds have open adult YT accounts. In my mind that puts them at risk. Would the school not want to know about that? I don't know. School won't be my first point of call however.

Having reflected on this, my initial worry about coming over as judgmental has lessened. As I am judgmental and this is not on! I won't be telling the parent what to do but I also think I shouldn't apologise/feel awkward and just set the facts out as they are.

Still remain depressed that I am having to deal with this all as a parent of an 8yo. But it seems like it is probably just a small taste of things to come :(

I'd recommend making a big deal out of it and rallying as many parents as possible into agreeing not to allow social media accounts for their children in that year group. It's the only way to ensure others won't follow within a year.
Work out where your line in the sand is and stick to it, it's actually much easier for a child to say "no because my parents won't let me", than "no because I don't want to" in terms of your own child accessing social media.
School will want to know so they can monitor it and as above have said pls be assured schools do do a lot on online safety these days, as many children have smartphones from age 6.

Because I am a teacher and participate in safeguarding training, my own children don't have smartphones. It's not necessay or appropriate.
Also be really clear no smartphones at sleepovers.

It depresses me too. Totally totally bonkers.

I don't disagree @wafflesmgee but am hesitant about becoming the "no social media police/crusader" In my child's class Whatsapp group, even though I would love the result of no social media for any of them!

I think I will speak to this parent first and then take it from there?

Or should I just let the school know and point them towards the two accounts and let them take forward?

This.

Send her a link to the account and screenshot the post. She is either not very tech savvy or lying.