Hi, my son is 2 year olds. Recently I’ve been having awful intrusive thoughts and guilt to the point I literally feel sick. It keeps me up at night. Obviously I would never harm my child or neglect my son he is so loved everyone always says how happy he is and he’s very clingy to me which I love. However, I feel guilty about so much. And my mom says it’s ridiculous but I can’t help how I feel. I just worry I’m wasting precious time always being so stressed. When my son was born I had to stay in hospital for a week as I was very unwell, I then had to have scans for weeks after as they thought I could have Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I ended up being fine but it was very hard especially with a newborn I was also in such an abusive relationship as well as moving into my first home. When I got out of hospital a few days later I went to get my hair done as I had hair extensions and they was hanging off my head, and the hairdresser left me in the hairdresser for ages while she went shopping and I ended up being in there for 6 hours despite me telling her I didn’t want to leave my newborn for long. I did used to be very insecure so I’d go get my nails and lashes so my mom used to have him sometimes so I could get them done (on separate occasions so I wasn’t away from him for long) sometimes my son came with me to get my lashes done tho. When my son was 6 weeks old we took him to a christening but it was so hot my mom came and got him and took him to her house for a few hours and I got him back on the night time. My sons dad constantly said he wanted to go out and have “us” time so I first left my son for a night out with his dad when he was 7 weeks old but I woke up straight away in morning to get him. I then went out 2 weeks later with my sons dad again. Then I didn’t go out for another 2 months. But after that last time I went out 2 weeks after that then another 2 weeks after. Other than that my son was and still is with me every single minute of the day. I never let anyone have him for a few hours as I hate being away from him, I only was to leave him if I was to have the odd drink or had an appointment which he couldn’t come to. And if I left him I’d be texting my mom constantly for updates which she’d send straight away. My son is very safe and content with my mom she’s the only person I’d trust to look after him. And then a couple of months later I went out for New Year’s Eve and I got in such a state I regret it so much. My phone had died and my sons dad left me in town with no money or way to get home. I ended up getting home but had no idea how. The time before I got in a bit of a state too. My sons dad was so abusive and nasty to me. The stuff he put me through haunts me to this day. And I sometimes think I only went out with him to try and make our relationship work and to get closer, but after every night out I’d cry all day. It sounds ridiculous but I feel so guilty I left my son those few times and not that close together and even tho he was safe happy and content and slept most of it so didn’t even know I was gone. I was only 20 at the time so my mom used to tell me to go out and enjoy myself, she didn’t know any of the abuse I went through as I never told her until this year. Luckily I’ve left his dad now but I still blame myself for staying so long. I know it seems ridiculous I barely ever leave my son I just beat myself up over every little thing I do and things that happened 2 years ago. My son is so happy he’s been on 3 holidays, I take him to 6 playgroups a week, he is constantly with me except if I go out once in a blue moon but I just feel so awful to leave him, but other than the odd night out I barely see anyone I don’t ever see friends or anything. I am just constantly eating myself up. Everyone tells me I’m a great mom I just don’t feel like I am. I think it’s just a lot of pressure on me as I do it all alone, my sons dad doesn’t see him and never helped even when he was here, he’d just sleep all day and never help me in anyways just made my life worse. He’d also go out and get wasted every weekend while I stayed in and wondered where he was. I don’t know what to do I just feel so trapped in my thoughts. I now haven’t for months had my nails done, my lashes I stopped having a year and a half ago, and my hair now I took extensions out almost 2 years ago so I don’t have to leave my son. Even if my son watches a lot of tv on a Rainy day I beat myself up. Or if I feel like I haven’t spoke as much. I sometimes feel like I should go out to let some steam off as I never get a break at all, my son doesn’t go to nursery or anything so he’s always with me, but I just beat myself up about it for months after. Is this normal? I feel like I’m being irresponsible even tho he’s safe and happy with my mom who’s amazing with kids. and it very rarely happens I’ve only left my son 5 times this year. I also worry what people will think of me? Whereas my friends with kids go out often as we are only young. I also get intrusive thoughts over horrible stuff and for months looked at photos of my son and got it in my head I was thinking mean stuff about him which I’d never do! I think I need counselling just don’t want people to think I’m weird. I think the main thing that effects me is the abuse I went through with my sons dad. He ruined my pregnancy and I never got the happy experience I always longed for, of course I’m very lucky to have my son he is the best thing to have ever happened to me, but his dad tried to ruin so many special moments I’ll never get that time back and now I spend so much time worrying I know I’ll never get this time back either. Please help me and don’t judge me I try my best for my son he is so happy, healthy and is literally attached to my hip, I’m just constantly doubting myself. I hope I didn’t leave him too much.