Mothering with long covid / disability

[Gatecrashermum]

Can I get some advice on how to manage?

I got covid right at the beginning of covid and had a hefty dose. Its left me unable to live a normal life - I've had to give up work and doing most things due to crushing fatigue.

Due to my age we decided after a couple of years not to wait any longer trying for a baby - I now have an amazing 4 week old son. We were trying for years before covid, not to drip feed. This is a much longed-for baby.

I am struggling with new parenthood - my husband has taken the brunt of the load so far but is burnt out now. I'm trying to take on more but one of the problems with chronic fatigue is it gets worse if you push on through.

We have no family nearby who can help. We have just started with a part-time nanny this week who is amazing. We can't afford a full time nanny, and also i do want to spend time with him!

Things are hard - i had a c section, we were both in hospital for 2 weeks after birth, baby was in HDU, I currently have a UTI which antibiotics isnt shifting. But i find myself just weeping and weeping sometimes - i wish i had more energy, i wish i was the person i was pre-covid as I had loads of energy. (I'm generally enjoying motherhood, I'm not sad all the time).

I'd appreciate any advice on how to be a better mum?

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. It's such a joy, but overwhelming!

Honestly, every new parent I know has struggled to adapt. Please don't think you need to be a 'better mum'. You're doing your best. Your DP is pulling his weight. And it's such early days.

Get the nanny to help you work out some routines. Prioritise what needs to be done and then divide it all up between you, nanny and DP.

Don't expect a content baby, active social life, sparking house, home cooked meal waiting for DP with his slippers every night. Just work out a way to muddle through.

And take every opportunity possible to rest. Your body has been through an enormous change, you have a whole new person to think about and take care of. Your sleep routine is out of the window. Stop being so hard on yourself. Lower your standards and build up a repertoire of routines and hacks to get you through the day and the next few months.

Can you ask your HV if there are any support groups for new mums who have health difficulties? Is your GP keeping an eye on your health?

You're doing great, I'm certain of it. And it will get easier.

This sounds like a tough patch, your hormones will still be everywhere at this stage and you’re still recovering from surgery too. I struggle with fatigue caused by other long term health conditions and my tips would be -
1 Get in a routine between you and the nanny so you know when you can expect rest/ sleep, and you don’t feel like you’re just pushing through endlessly. For eg I used to do one night and DH the next, then I knew I would get a full nights sleep every other night
2 Prioritise what you need to be ok whenever you can. You have to kind of centre yourself when you’re in this situation as it’s really important to look after yourself so you can look after DC
3 Find some non exhausting, enjoyable things you enjoy with the baby and do those as much as possible, ditto with anything that energises or refreshes you. I still keep a list of these things to do with my older children (eg board games, watching bake off) so that when I am out of energy we can do something we all find enjoyable
4 Do not compare yourself with your previous self/ other people/ the idea of the mother you thought you would be. You can be a great mum just as you are; your DC will love you for exactly who you are. They won’t be comparing you to the previous you with more energy.
I have found Anna Mathur (especially calm for new mums) and Zoe Blaskey so helpful to cultivate a positive mindset despite less than ideal circumstances.
Best of luck on this wonderful adventure!

Congratulations on your new baby.

It will get easier.

You will be exhausted at the moment, your body is fighting an infection and healing from a stressful time around delivery and major abdominal surgery which is a lot in itself. Add in lack of sleep due to a newborn and that will push you to your limit even without an infection.

You need to sleep when baby sleeps. Order in oven meals. Let your standards on cleaning slide. Don't worry about getting dressed or leaving the house for now. Call on friends and family to help even if they bring shopping or hold the baby while you shower.

Within a few weeks your baby will be developing more of a routine, your infection will hopefully be getting better.

It is hard with an energy limiting illness to manage, you are doing really well to be finding enjoyment in motherhood despite everything. I have Long Covid and had my babies by c-section years ago, it is tough without a newborn. Try not to compare yourself to others or your previous self, it will create more stress. Focus on what you are doing, it is enough.

I've had CFS/M.E since I was a young teen, I became a parent at 24 and developed fibromyalgia after a bad virus and trauma at 26 and a bit.

Honestly, you're still so early on, stay home if you don't have to go out, try and make one group a week and make that the only thing you do that day and leave the day after it to stay in pyjamas, at best grab a shower with baby in a secure seat in the bathroom with you and chuck fresh jammies on and stay in.

Get on pregnancy and new baby forums to help you link up with other local parents. Your salvation at this stage is other parent friends.

You won't be the only one disabled or living with a fatigue condition. Strength in numbers.

Make sure there's batch cooking (which nanny or partner can do) so you just need to microwave yourself something in the day. Easy bags of salad. Microwave flavoured rice. Jelly portions, fruit, easy to grab things which won't fill you full of crap.

One of the worst things I can do is live on crap. Which is catch 22 because I struggle to prep things, my hands don't work!

Graduated exercise is a no, ignore anyone who says that.

Fresh air is fantastic but not at the expense of the next three days spoons.

Rest. Doesn't have to be actual sleep. We don't get restorative sleep. But make sure if baby is asleep, that you're resting. Laying down with a book, or listening to music, watching TV or doing gentle stretches while laying down (if that's something you find soothing), just rest.

You will find your rhythm. Things change often with every week or two as baby develops and grows and teething is often a crisis point. But you will get through it. You're a good mum.

I made sure I had everything where I needed it. So that I didn't have to keep getting up and down. And always get in more than you need so there's a back up of things like nappies, milk, bog rolls, etc.

You've got this.