Daughter is so messy - help!

[Tootiredd]

My daughter is driving me insane with how messy and disorganised she is, she’s 9 so I obviously don’t expect her to be organised on her own, so I tell her what she needs to do and she just ignores me. For example, on Wednesday when she came home from her first day back at school, I instructed her to take off her school uniform and put it nicely on her chair so it’s ready to wear today (she had PE yesterday) low and behold this morning she can’t find her cardi and tie because whether or not she put it on the chair, between then and this morning it has magically came off the chair and gone missing in her absolute state of a bedroom. Both me and my partner work full time and barely get chance to breathe juggling her and her brother (16months) school/nursery runs, housework and I cannot get in that room to properly sort it, it’s at a stage where you can’t see the floor (happens atleast once a month) and I need to get in there and do it myself because otherwise it won’t get done, no matter what I try she will not keep it tidy it’s always a state and not just a little mess, pure chaos in there. Then every other room you go into there is always signs she’s been in there, everyday, without fail she leaves stuff on the console table in the hallway, I am constantly telling her can you please move that it doesn’t belong there and it never sinks in. Every shower she leaves her clothes everywhere, she leaves her lunchbox in her bag everynight, she has been late for breakfast club this morning because she can’t find anything because it’s never in the place it’s supposed to be because she’s left it. I’m just so drained with the state of her room and her general lack of tidiness and I just wish that she was a little bit tidier to make my life on hell of a lot easier. Any tips on what I can do to get her to stop?

She’s 9. You need to spend half a day this weekend and put some order back. Clear old clothes and toys for charity. You bag them
other parent takes them to charity shop. Get some baskets or containers if you don’t have them, and each night tidy by putting stuff into them.

You’ve got about 2 years max of being able to
get I there and then it’s their space and it may be awful for teenage years. I just stayed out by that point but they had to change their beds, do their washing and tidy if friends were coming.

You have to nag, remove phone or Tv privileges, and nag some more.

As she got older I would calmly warn her “I will not be taking you to Netball/party/gran’s tomorrow if your room is not tidy and your things are all over the hall/floor of the house.” I’d remind her again a few hours before event in my “cheery mum” voice. That worked - a few times late/missing out on something because of her own failures did help with her motivation!

Also I bought 3 nice looking wicker baskets for the hall and living room and bathroom and after ignored warnings I’d dump all her stuff in the baskets, then when they were full I would tip them on her bedroom floor right so she couldn’t barely see the floor.

Forbid food and drinks in bedroom until she clears up herself, or permanently.

I agree with others; she needs help routine and supervision. 16 months is a hard age for your youngest but I'd organise one of you to take them out for the day and have a day of putting systems/ dwcluttering

I have dd9 who is similar, agree with pps you have to nag constantly- i know pain in the bum lol i generally make my kids tidy their rooms every morning, make beds/bring down cups/laundry, and do a full clean once a month- clear out under beds/hoover/wash all bedding, their rooms are generally tidyish most days- enough that a glance in it looks presentable, but we have to nag them every morning to get it done and when we do a big clean once a month we have to pretty much supervise constantly to make sure its getting done- we aren’t slave drivers they get pocket money once a week IF their rooms are tidy every day xx

Thank you for the replies, I have been in there twice this week for a couple of evenings trying to sort it, I’ve bagged up two bags of clothes and taken to the charity shop, she has 3 storage boxes under her bed and 3 in her closet to store her things, she also has a little storage unit in her bathroom for her little bits she just doesn’t put anything away. It is very rare, unless AL that both of us get a day off which is why it can be tricky to get in there to sort it when it’s in such a state, I finish at 5:30 everyday, partner works shifts and we do alternative weekends, we need to do this because of childcare, so out of the 2 evenings a week both of us are here I’ve gone in, but whatever work I’ve managed to do gets undone on the other days, of course when it’s tidy one of us goes in and cleans it and changes the bed but you can’t see the floor at the mo, I also have the rest of the house to think of and it’s so stressful knowing her room is like that, I’m really conflicted I feel guilty that she’s sleeping in such a state but also very annoyed that she’s made it that way. Only thing allowed upstairs is water, so no rubbish to think of but plenty half full glasses of water!!

My daughter used to be like this. She is now 13 and loves to have a nice clean tidy room that she tidies it nearly every day.

You need to make it easy for her. Not too much clutter, lots of good storage. Let her choose things like bedding etc and try and encourage her to like it being neat.

Actually fair point by OP - I did spend time showing dd how to tidy up and I agree that constantly reiterating that the extra ten seconds invested in putting something back in the right place avoids all kinds of chaos.

My dd had the complacency of a kid who knows if something important is lost or destroyed we can usually just buy another one. When I was a kid I somehow knew that money was too tight, and I had to be careful with my meagre possessions. So there is a different parenting approach required overall - make it clear that just because something CAN be replaced, doesn’t make it ok to lose or damage. Talk to your dd widely about people who have very little so she can appreciate how fortunate she is; some of the fiction books about Victorian orphans are good for this, like The Little Princess, or watching The Water Babies; or read news articles age appropriate about people who don’t have much (either Uk or overseas).

Just to clarify too I completely redecorated her bedroom in April, new bed, painted, new accessories and she loves her room, it is fairly big and storage is brilliant everything has a place so I can’t get why it gets in such a state

Daily tidy routine for her and at a set time. Also instead of telling her what she needs to do get her to write herself a to do list. I did this for my children but I had time. There are ones you can order off Etsy and the like which is a tick list they have to physically tick off. There is no remembering everything as the list has everything but it is just remembering to look at the to do list.

Personally how I kept my children's rooms tidy, the daily tidy which involved me standing/sitting in the doorway directing where things belong but they were a bit younger than 9. Daily means it is easily manageable, when it becomes a you can't see the floor it is overwhelming and then becomes the norm.

She should absolutely be made to be responsible for the mess she leaves and she should take the glasses of water out of her room, don't do things for her otherwise she just learns you pick up after her.

This!! She literally said to me this morning when I was stressing she didn’t have her tie (strict uniform policy) ‘mommy I can buy a new tie from the school office’. Needless to say I sent her without one and will not be buying a new one. Thank you for those recommendations, we are very big on Victorian history anyway so will enjoy looking at those and hopefully it will help her realise how fortunate she is

I agree with PPs about you spending time to help her get it tidy and make sure she knows where each item SHOULD be. And once you're confident she does know then id go hard-line..... Once or twice week, set a regular 'tidy time' for her. At the end of that, anything you find lying around goes in a basket and she has one more hr to put it away or it goes in the bin.

(Obviously more effective for toys / toiletries etc than school uniform!) I've done this once - and the effect of me throwing something away lasted a good 6 months!

Good luck with that! My dd was never tidy, no matter how much i nagged, did it for her etc. Her room was the pits. At about 12 I stopped. I told her it was her responsibility to keep it clean and I stopped going into her and her brother's rooms. I did say that no friends would be allowed over if her room was a mess. I always knew when she wanted a friend round because all of a sudden the room would be clean. Did she change? Feck no! She's been married for years with two children and every room is a heap of stuff. Her husband has an even lower tolerance level than she. 😂

As she likes learning show her this, 20 bedrooms of children which show the extremes. It can be a very interesting discussion about wealth, lack of options and how fortunate she is to be born here.

https://justsomething.co/where-children-sleep-20-powerful-photos-of-kids-bedrooms-from-around-the-world/

In this magical world, where people deliver stuff to your house the day after you decided to buy the item, and TV is on demand, and we don’t go to church on Sunday to get told how blessed we are and to be grateful or we will go to hell, I can’t really blame kids for finding it hard to see the problem with being a careless slob.

To make matters worse, I work Ft so we have a cleaner ( who does NOT tidy). My teen adores our cleaner so I can use shame these days to make her tidy her room before the weekly clean!

This is one we've had to get quite strict on - none of us is naturally tidy, so we have to work at it, our youngest is very very untidy.

Our biggest success has been incorporating a ten minute tidy-up into the bedroom routine so it becomes a total habit and cements the idea that this is their responsibility. So after shower, before we settle down with a book, there is a non-negotiable ten minutes of sorting bedrooms which tbh is enough to stay on top of it, get laundry put away etc. It's made a massive difference.

What about a 'clear the decks' time? Fifteen minutes when items returned to kitchen, taken up to bedroom, in the washing basket, school uniform hanger where all items are on the hanger and ready for the morning and floor cleared. I think too much 'stuff' just becomes overwhelming, so one in and one out approach. She can only have in the room what's been bought for her, so is she totally responsible for how much she has. Use coloured trugs, just scoop everything on the floor, using a large plastic dustpan, into the trug, with a different coloured trug for one type of item, green clothes, red toys etc., at night. So bedtime is clear floor time and part of the routine, just like cleaning teeth.

I'd say you may have different organising styles. There's a lady called Clutter Bug who has a quiz on this and suggests different storage solutions.

Open boxes, wire baskets, wall storage - where you can see the contents - may work better. Not out of sight out of mind.

My dd was hopelessly untidy (and still is at 26 although it's far better than it was). One non negotiable rule, however, was that everything had to be in order before bed, ready for the following morning and we did that together - it took two minute: uniform laid put, shoes at door, bag packed.

She continued to need a disproportionate level of help and then was diagnosed at 17 with ADHD which put it into better perspective.

She's 9 not exactly understanding the impact her behaviour has except she gets your attention negatively. How about saying come on we'll sort your room together. Make it fun with colourful boxes/baskets for storage. This will be a positive message instead of negative. Seems your life is busy but your DD needs your positive attention as well. Maybe have a rule if she is playing with one toy then it needs to go away before she takes out another. I would definitely take care of her school uniform yourself as well as checking her bag for her lunchbox. I do think maybe yor expectations of a 9 year old are a bit high.

There are 2 problems here:

1. too much stuff
2. too little time

The solution is simple. You pare down your possessions until there is simply no way on earth that the floor can become covered etc. No child needs a room full of things and toys and crafts and clothes and stuffies. Just let it all go. I can fill a bin bag in 20 mins - so can you. Turn it into a game - ‘thank you and good bye’ get 2 boxes. Charity shop or bin. Everything goes in one or the other. Get rid of half the storage boxes. She doesn’t need that many possessions. It will be a tough few 20 min sessions but you will thank yourself in December.