New partner

[Ajh1993]

Hi everyone, I’ve been with my new partner 6 months, he met my 3 year old son quite early on around 3 months in but only in short bursts of an hour or two which has increased now to spending the odd day all together and he sleeps some nights at my house now. I do coparent with my ex so we split the weeks evenly. My son really seems to like my new partner, but I’m unsure of my partners feelings towards my son, sometimes he will delay the time he comes round so it’s after my son has gone to bed so he doesn’t have to spend more time with him (which he denies but it’s pretty obvious), he will also stay over and then sleep all morning and not come down until around 1pm and then will have a shower get dressed and go back to his house when most of the time I’m up at 7:30/8am. When he is around my son sometimes he plays with him and they seem to have a good time but other times he seems disinterested and will just sit on his phone. He’s told me he doesn’t want to feel like he has to be involved, but when he’s choosing to come and stay with me while my son is here I don’t really think that’s reasonable. If he doesn’t want to feel he has to be involved with my son when he’s here then he shouldn’t stay here. He says he wants to build a bond with him but I just have this feeling that my sons almost an inconvenience to him and he’d much prefer if he wasn’t around, and that when he is playing and engaging with him that he’s only doing so to appease me. I don’t want him to assume a father role, but I do want him to genuinely want to get to know my son and to bond with him and hopefully in time to develop a love for him. My partner is only 22 and I’m 31 so I’m not sure if the age is a factor in this. He still lives with his dad and has no responsibilities other than working. He says he’s fully accepted the fact I have a child and is happy to take that on, however in reality it feels like he hasn’t. He says he’s trying but I just don’t feel like it’s good enough. I’m not sure what to do, we’ve spoken about it extensively but there’s not been much change. We have a great time when it’s just me and him but that’s not my real life, my real life is motherhood and the life I have with my son which I’m struggling to incorporate him into when he seems to have this defense up and wants to distance himself.

Trust your gut instinct. He doesn't want a relationship with you son.

It's too much, too soon. Ignoring the age gap (which yes, I'd class as significant) you've only been together 6 months. You don't know this man - I wouldn't even be introducing someone at that stage, let alone expecting them to be a firm part of DC life. Of course he would prefer it if he saw you alone - you are in the very first flush of a new relationship, it's meant to be a low pressure and fun time to get to know each other. You forcing this into a quicker time frame will kill it, and you are doing your child no favours. How many relationships die in the first year, and you are setting him up to potentially lose someone.

He doesn't need another father

Way too much too soon.

This whole situation is an absolute mess.

He isn't a partner, he's someone you've been dating for 6 months. He's 22, he isn't going to have any interest in anyone's children and a step child is a lot of pressure at that age. You introduced them far too early. Either stop pressurising him about your son and just enjoy dating him for now or end it altogether and find someone more your own age who might be interested in a life with a child.

Far too much too soon! 6 months and he is already sleeping over!

It's too soon and your expectations are too high. No man is going to bond with a 3 year old after just a few months, not least a 22 year old.

So if you want to date him, fine, but not when your son is around.

He's a boyfriend, not a partner, OP.

You've let this immature young bloke into your son's life much too soon.

It's obvious the BF is only interested in the sex side of things, as he actively avoids getting up in the morning.

At least he's showing you exactly who he is. If you want to keep him for the sex, fair enough, but don't expect him to be a de facto parent. He's still a child himself.

Your son deserves better than this.

And yes, the age gap is significant. Too much, in fact.

So many red flags.

-He's met your son early on
-He's 22 and you 33 and still lives at home
-He is sleeping over when your child is there

• Your expectations are not realistic hrs a new bf of 3 months.
• your judgement is massively off here.

See your bf when your child is at his fathers its not appropriate having a man in the house you barely know around you child.

Why are you trying to force a relationship between your son and this young man who's barely more than a boyfriend? It's really irresponsible. Back right down. He should barely be seeing your son at this point. It's way too much too soon.

Jesus you’ve only been with him 6 months, why on earth would you want him to build any kind of bond with your child when he could be gone any day and then your child will miss him?

Put a LOT of space between you. No staying over when child is there, go on dates, build a solid relationship before you even think of bringing him around your child again.

Your boyfriend is 3yrs away from his brain being fully developed. He's been very open about not being interested in your kid, so believe him. There's no need to make you kid be around this brand new boyfriend, it's not in his best interests.
Keep your dating life separate to your child.

Saw on Dr Phil once : never marry a man under 30 as he is too immature! Obviously not always true but TWENTY TWO..no way. Also, aside from your ds he is so immature he sleeps in until one like a bloody teenager. And like a teenager on his phone. He is showing you who he is which is fine for a young lad but you are expecting much more. Have a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship outside your little boy and slow down.

No, no this is all such a bad idea.

@Ajh1993

this is a bit blunt, so don't read it if you can't take it...

He is a decade younger than you, he still has a lot of independent time he needs to enjoy!!

shagging an 'older' woman is 'fun' 'kudos' not 'future'. No matter what he says.

He has his whole life ahead of him to meet someone (his age) & make babies with them, he has no need to 'bond' with an older woman's child.

shag him if you want to, but stick to when DS is at his Dads & send him home to his Dads to sleep & sloth.

DS doesn't need to bond with him or get used to him being around.

you're in your 30's with a child. Do your DS a favour & act like it.