8 yo DD emotional dysregulation?!

[VictorianScreenTime]

Over the past few weeks/months 8 yo DD has been having emotional “storms”.

She gets set off by something seemingly trivial- sibling winding her up, me saying no to random requests for TV/treats, and then she has a massive tantrum, for want of a better word. Screaming, crying, stomping feet, beating fists on surfaces, throwing all the covers off her bed, kicking her legs. She's often quite inaccessible with rage and takes a while to calm.

She’s done this (albeit very infrequently) for years in fact.

She’ll eventually accept a hug and, more recently, when we discuss it she often brings it back to her distress that “things have changed”. She expresses that she wishes we were back in our old house (we moved when she was 1!), or that her room was still the way it used to be (she shared with her sister till she was about 4 but now they each have their own room).

She does dislike change to a degree- being out of routine can make her emotionally labile- and yet she generally manages fine with variety, transitions etc. She has no issues at school or with homework. Diligent, “well behaved”, good with other kids (though she does like solitary play too). She’s generally calm, cheerful, and seems resilient so I’m a bit at a loss about these outbursts.

Has anyone had anything similar? Any advice on how best to comfort and help her? She’s not a big talker and sometimes I think struggles to put her feelings into words so I’d love to be able to help encourage her to talk to me more about her emotions if that might help. Any and all advice welcome 🙏🏻

How is she at school?

There's a lot of stuff out there to support talking about emotions. ELSA Support is one website worth looking at for resources: https://www.elsa-support.co.uk/category/free-resources/

Any suggestion of neurodivergence in the family OP?

DD (now 10) went through something similar, also including washing her hands obsessively so that the backs were dry and red. We ended up seeing a counsellor privately for about 6 months and that did help her in giving her things to do when she felt overwhelmed.

There is a pre-puberty hormone surge that kicks in around the age of 7/8 which most people are unaware of and can trigger this sort of “big feelings” episode.

Aside from the counsellor we talked with the school and the pastoral team were very good at checking in with her to see how she was feeling. Like your DD she is well-behaved at school and no academic issues. One of her teacher’s did flag her with the pastoral team, along with a few other girls, just to talk about pushing themselves a bit more in class as they were very capable but had anxiety around “failure” and would rather coast along with the easy options rather than risk getting something wrong.

A book we found useful was The Confidence Code for Girls. It is aimed at slightly older girls but a lot of it is very relevant and helpful. There’s a book to read and a journal that they can fill in and answer multiple choice questions about certain scenarios.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Confidence-Code-Girls-Amazingly-Imperfect/dp/0062796984/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Id1SN5kQIf9a5xZ0yrQB5fH2VsVTFTiZSkp9doY9N7LE2cgRBdwmgYcxNIKdCHOptkHPKygmKHLDPMa-hQ1tM2FyN_ahaDGdHfT90fMB_nL20RDCj-LeaUcaPzq23iEyxQz7Mmd92EXrLxXyeBlnxOwOGO5jCtUkdpQX9W2Rc2MpikEj2nTkiRsWv_yX8kZaScRhxAoVbENQHqJGN5k_G8BdavwSiHz12IQRKtdvEGk.8ceFtJUPcIbnu8e6pJEc_eOujLZROJJg337Td2Nlixc&qid=1725395394&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Confidence-Code-Girls-Journal-Embracing/dp/0062954105/ref=pd_bxgy_d_sccl_1/258-0736017-9590211?pd_rd_w=xb5oy&content-id=amzn1.sym.a08eede5-3393-433c-bbdb-c853fc4fd321&pf_rd_p=a08eede5-3393-433c-bbdb-c853fc4fd321&pf_rd_r=QQZXSRCNFF7T85V40S8J&pd_rd_wg=2LzDW&pd_rd_r=cc8549ca-dbc7-473f-ae2b-dd07849c9047&pd_rd_i=0062954105&psc=1

Eek, sorry about the giant links!

Thanks all and no prob about the links @CaveMum !

@notsureicandoitagain there is ADHD on DH’s side (his sister diagnosed and DH ticks a lot of boxes though never been tested). Funnily enough my sister, who has some experience in the professional field, was mentioning she thinks there are some ASD traits on our side of the family, and I can see where she’s coming from. Could that be relevant here do you think?

I will check out all the links and suggestions above so thank you all so much.

Some autistic people like predictability, so school, with its timetables and routines can feel 'safe'. However many autistic children can mask other things they are sensitive to (noise, smells, things that irritate like tags in clothing, electrical lights buzzing and many, many others), which means they exhaust themselves with masking and when they get home the smallest thing is what can send them into meltdown (or shutdown).

A lot of autism understanding in society is based on outdated concepts - eg special interests are trains/planes, toys lined up, autistic people have no imagination/empathy, cannot give eye contact... My daughter is autistic and my DH is undiagnosed by very much like my daughter, so probably is autistic too. I also work with neurodivergent children (and adults) in education and we are learning all the time about autism and how it presents.

With regards t your own DD, I would consider it as a possibility given the family history, but diagnosis would need to come from a professional. Does not hurt to read up and adopt parenting tools that could help you navigate the tricky times with your DD.

https://www.autism.org.uk

@VictorianScreenTime Also 'spoon theory' is what some people use to explain about meltdowns and worth a read to see if that resonates.
https://www.edpsyched.co.uk/blog/autism-spoon-theory

It sounds like it could be autism to me.
I guess one thing is that girls can be missed because their presentation is different.https://www.uclahealth.org/news/article/understanding-undiagnosed-autism-adult-females
One thing I do see a lot in threads here is a debate about the value of getting a diagnosis.
She may be coping fine in school now, but I have heard other parents with daughters who have ASD say that the wheels really came off when they went to secondary school. It can be a difficult transition and lead to poor mental health.
I think it's worth doing some reading and thinking about this.

Also to add that I would have described my child exactly how you described yours before his eventual diagnosis of ASD.
Even during his assessment I didn't think he was showing many signs, even though to the psychologist he was meeting the criteria. I guess it's hard to be objective about your own child.
The diagnosis explained a lot of things I didn't understand about him.

ASD traits on our side of the family, and I can see where she’s coming from.

Doesn't everyone have traits?

My dd is similar but she's 12. I hoped she would have grown out of it. She's been on the autism assessment list for 3 years.

Thanks so much @notsureicandoitagain and @FancyRedRobin. Lots to consider here so I will look through all of this.

@lololulu Everyone probably does have traits! What I meant was I could definitely see one member of the family meeting criteria for a diagnosis but I suppose because of “high functioning” and success masking this would never have been flagged as an issue in the past.