He wants to take the kids ‘50/50’?!

[Storytime75]

I would be grateful for any advice please.

My friend’s husband has been having an emotional affair for months. She found out a month ago and is obviously incredibly hurt and confused. There has been a lot of arguing since and she has asked him to move out so they can have some space to figure things out, without damaging the children.

He will be living in a flat, rented for 3 months. He is now saying ‘I will be having the kids at the flat 50/50’. ‘You will have them in the week at home and I’ll have them here at the weekend’.

Can anyone help with what the legal line is on this? Its a terrible idea to uproot the children, especially while they are trying to work out, and its such a temporary situation. The oldest is starting school this week.

He is completely irrational and unreasonable so there is no getting through to him.

Please help x

50:50 should go across school days and weekends. Not for one parent to get all one or the other

It's not 50:50 if she's having them through the week and he only weekends?

No

Usual negotiation starting point is to start with every other weekend with each parent. (I’m assuming that each parent works weekdays) That way the kids chill with each parent and can see that parent’s extended family on those days.

How old are the kids? Over 12s would be allowed to choose where they stay and breastfed babies wouldn’t have overnights.50/50 parenting means him doing half of the school runs and taking the day off if it’s a school holiday. Child maintenance is based on overnights but picking the children up at 6pm Tuesday and dropping them off 7am Wednesday isn’t in the spirit of things so your friend should say no to that kind of thing. If the child is sick then he needs to take the day off work.

Well her doing the full week isn't 50:50.

Plus it isn't fair for one parent to have to do all the weekly routine tasks and have no weekend relaxation/ fun/ activity time with the kids.

How old are the children and is the flat local?

My biggest concern is uprooting them before they have even split up. They are living apart for a couple of months whilst working on things. Surely the children should stay at their family home until they have decided what to do. Friend wants Dad to see them at the family home as much as possible, Mum will stay somewhere else when he does.

Children are 3 and 4. Dad cannot do pickups and dropoffs due to disability and working hours. Mum has done this always.

Isn’t that convenient for him that she would do all drop off and pick up from school? I bet he envisions her doing all admin for the children as well, sorting uniform, activities, doctor/dentist, etc.

it has to be a fair split of time and responsibilities and his proposal is not fair.

I would suggest them booking mediation immediately. That's what I did and no one is pressured or coerced in to doing anything. It's about reaching a sensible and fair agreement in a controlled and supportive environment

They could try birdnesting, where the children stay in the home and the parents take time staying in the home and moving to another location. The mum could even be there to pick the children up for school and get them home if this is what they are used to doing. Then on her nights she stays and he leaves after bedtime and on his nights he stays whilst she leaves at bedtime. the children are so young and must be in bed quite early anyway.

“Birdnesting has become an increasingly popular way to co-parent following separation. It involves the children remaining in one home (usually the marital family home) and the separated parents taking it in turns living with the children in that home.”

she needs to get some legal advice and possibly mediation
50/50 isn’t every weekend at all!

Very convenient that he was 50/50 but can’t do 50% of the drop off and pick ups which are an important weekday routine for parents. Does he plan to use a nanny or a childminder who will drop off and pick up the kids? If he works nights then how will he have 50/50? He won’t physically cope flipping his routine just for a day or two a week so he’d need a new job.

This seems very sensible in this situation.

🚨Disney dad alert 🚨

Weekends:weekdays is 71:29 not 50:50 so prospective Disney dad over there will still have to pay maintenance even if he gets this imaginary grossly unfair deal, which he won't.

He needs to do school drudgery and pick up and drop off during the week and weekends split 50:50 if the custody split is 50:50.

If the custody is split 71:29 then the mother also gets 71% of weekends.

He will be living in a flat, rented for 3 months. He is now saying ‘I will be having the kids at the flat 50/50’. ‘You will have them in the week at home and I’ll have them here at the weekend’.

But that is not 50/50. Either one week on and one week off, or split the week: Sunday to Wednesday and Wednesday to Sunday.

Is your friend sure that her h is agreeing with the working on things strategy? He’s not unreasonable to want some distance away from the marital home but could this be an abuser trying to force your friend into a decision that she doesn’t want - whether that’s inviting him back or punishing her by taking the kids. Does she live in a house with cameras? (Something I’ve read about on here)

Sounds like he’s saying he wants 50:50 more as threat than anything else, as in “this is what will happen if you don’t take me back.” He’s not even proposing 50:50, every weekend isn’t 50:50 and if he truly wants that then he needs to actually have them half the time including doing pick ups and drop offs at school. It’s unfair for him to have them all weekend as that means he gets all the fun time while she does all the school runs, admin etc. She should agree to actual 50:50 and see how quickly he drops the idea.

Then he can't do 50/50. But he could come and do dinner for them 1-2 nights a week if she feels safe with them in he family home.
They need to do every other weekend . No way should he get every weekend she wants to enjoy her children too! Unless she wants to do one day of each weekend each

Suggest to the df he prepares a schedule that he thinks would work best for the dc... See what he comes back with..

You don't need A level maths to see that's not 50:50. What's he trying to pull here?

He's trying to get out of paying maintenance and also wants to be able to convince a judge they do completely shared care when they finalise their divorce. As others have said, any idiot can see it's not 50/50.

This. He thinks by saying he's having them 50/50 he won't have to pay anything. He's wrong.

Ask him to let he know when he has bought all the things the dc will need whilst in his care...

Having the other parent do pick up and drop off to facilitate you doing your job is part of the "relationship" package and they are negotiating terms for the "ex" package. In a small number of cases it suits both parties to continue this but in the main it is one of the perks you forgo when you split up. On his days he needs to arrange for this to happen.
Advise her not to start anything she doesn't want to continue. The status quo holds a lot of power. Mainly she should be vary wary of giving up every weekend - weekends should be 50/50 if both parents are fully involved. Weekends are the hard work time when they are 3, but not by 7! Think medium / long term!

"Fab, you can have them week one, and drop to me on sat pm. Then I'll drop back to you the next sat.
Don't forget xx has hockey on weds, and yy has the dentist on Friday "

And if mediation fails then court will be the place where a contact order will be made.
Your friend needs a solicitor.

Would only work if the split was very amicable. If there’s any abuse/ rancour etc it’s going to be horrible.