Feel like I’m letting down my toddler

[Blueowlnight]

I’m a terrible toddler parent. I hate this stage so much. DD is 2yr 8mo and we’ve had such a rubbish week. Context coming but my question is, have you managed to come back from a bad parent-toddler relationship? Is it fixable?

just usual toddler stuff (if I ask her to do something she says no, if I ask her not to do something she does it immediately, screaming often, big feelings at the drop of a hat, zero co operation, purposefully hurting her baby brother etc.)

this week I’ve been so angry at her and have been escalating the situation so much. I have read lots of parenting stuff and know all the places I’m going wrong, plus we have seriously dropped so many demands on her and try to make it more easy going, I just find the toddler behaviours so frustrating and she pushes all my buttons.

I feel like I’ve let her down because I keep falling into the same traps of getting cross and shouty. I see so many people say they never shout at their children. Never get cross at them. Always manage to use gentle techniques. And I know these all work but I keep failing to do it.

can this be repaired? Can I find a way of enjoying her? At the moment it is all just a relentless slog.

Just to add, I know all of these are normal toddler behaviours. I don’t blame her for them and do understand them. I just find them really, really difficult and relentless.

How old / new is the baby brother, for one?

I get on quite well with toddlers, but partly that’s because I rarely ask them to… anything. It’s “We’re going out now. Would you like to fetch your shoes, or should I?” etc. Partly that’s because I have twins and needs must, partly because they tend to find choice overwhelming (my older singleton did too). So we limit it. My other tip - you don’t need to turn up to every argument she invites you to.

You asked if it’s repairable - yes, very certainly. Lots of people find toddlers hugely challenging, and they are, for good reason.

Yes, it absolutely gets better. I was the same as you (minus baby though). I had what I thought was a terrible relationship with toddler daughter, she had a strong daddy-preference and would scream and tantrum at the drop of a hat. She is now coming up to 4 and while still not perfect, we are much closer and I enjoy her company doing things together

Yes the angsty toddler phases passes, we noticed at age 4 things calmed down enormously.

I don’t think most of us would describe our parenting during the toddler years as especially serene or gentle.
Ignore the people who say they never shout. Either they or their kids are cut from a different cloth and I don’t think you can learn to be perfect while you’re exhausted with a little baby too.

You do need to be conscious of what triggers you and what triggers your toddler, so you can avoid the worst arguments. And let go of the angry feelings quickly - most toddlers have a massive tantrum/sulk then it’s back to normal like the argument never happened. It’s better to mimic that behaviour because otherwise you stay cross for ages when they are enjoying their day again!