AIBU to EXPECT relatives to hand my baby back

[Hyperquiet]

I can't sleep after this which is annoying.

My older baby was crying their real cry and a few people played pass the parcel with instead of handing my baby back to me when I repeatedly asked.

I was shocked and upset but is my reaction justified? I think it is but I want other opinions before the awkward conversations that need to happen later as these are people we have in our lives alot.

Advice on how to voice this without being too harsh would be good too please

Well I didn't feel I owned my baby so sure if someone was making them cry they should stop but otherwise why would they need to be handed back?

If it was feeding time sure, but this is keeping you awake? Why?

Because they were making them cry as you said and Baby wouldn't stop crying...?

Yeah that's not great. How did it play out though? How were you asking and were they just completely ignoring you or responding trying to say they had things in hand?

I think in future you need to be more assertive. Walk straight up in front of the person holding baby, arms outstretched and tell them don't ask 'time to come to mummy now' 'I'll take her now thank you'. Then you could avoid the awkward conversation altogether.

You simply go and take your baby back.

We're they actually doing something to make them cry or did your baby cry and they were being held because there is a difference

What exactly happened before the crying?

If they were harming your baby this is very serious

I have seen quite a lot of these threads on MN and I am slightly confused why it seems to be such a challenge to take your own baby back on your arms. You just go in front of the person and take him/her. You are the mother, you call the shots. As this hasn't happened and now you need to tell them afterwards it can just be a matter of saying moving forwards I want my baby back when he/she starts crying like he/she did last time.
Be assertive and tell people what you want to happen - this is about your baby.

When dd was little I did the 'oh I think she wants to come back to me' or 'I don't think she likes that' etc etc but now I would just go and get her back. Older people have their own parenting styles and they may just have experience of everyone 'having a go' at calming baby down or want to try their own way. It's reminiscing for a lot of them and crying babies were no real issue for them at all. Just stand up and go and get baby next time. My Nan had this thing where she used to like to lay dd over her lap and try and wind her and dd hated it, so I learnt to just go grab her after a few minutes.

No you are not being unreasonable at all. But as PP said you need to be assertive, if that is what you want.
Some people think they are being helpful by holding a crying baby in the guise they are giving you a break. And maybe for some mums this is helpful but only if they have asked for the break!
The reality in this situation is that your baby was probably crying because of the pass the parcel and needed to be back with you and that’s what you needed to.
Speak up, tell people to give you your baby back so you can comfort them. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Thanks everyone. I left out that I've hurt my leg so I wasn't able to get up and get my baby.

I was completely ignored.

@Edingril What a strange response, it has nothing to do with ownership to recognise that babies are developmentally programmed to form deep attachments to their primary caregivers and need them for far more than just feeding. They might be happy being passed around family for a while but there comes a point when baby is overwhelmed/tired/upset and just wants to be back with their mum or dad and a cuddle from auntie Lynne just isn't going to cut it. At that point it's completely normal and appropriate to step in and take baby back not just ignore their basic needs and watch them become more distressed.

@Hyperquiet That's upsetting then that you were left unable to get to baby whilst they cried for you. Who is supporting you with parenting whilst you can't move around? Can they step in on your behalf and retrieve baby?

Assuming there's no back story and these are family members who are normally respectful then I'd maybe hope they were trying to help you whilst your mobility is limited. Maybe a message along the lines of 'thanks for the help trying to settle baby but I'm finding it quite hard feeling like I can't get to her when she needs me and I'd appreciate some help bringing her to me when she's upset next time'

What does this even mean? A mother shouldn’t expect her baby to be given back to her when she asks because she doesn’t “own” them?? Of course you don’t own your baby but you are responsible for them, and have rights over them, so I’m not sure why anyone else would feel entitled to withhold them from you. It actually seems like it would indicate a larger issue with someone’s ideas about their role in said baby’s life if they would even consider ignoring the mother’s request to return her distressed child.

My second baby is a week old and my parents and sister are staying. I've found everyone is trying to be really helpful holding the baby and making sure I don't exert myself too much. I imagine your relatives are trying to be supportive? I'm bfing, so if the baby is crying and I think she needs feeding, I say something like "please pass her to me and I'll see if she hungry". Or if I think I can see the reason she's crying, I might suggest the person does something else, e.g., "maybe try lying her on her mat please so she can stretch out". Otherwise, I appreciate other people being able / trying to comfort her - gives them a chance to start building a relationship with her. It's also nice other people being able to do things besides me, e.g., burp her etc. etc.I also found it helpful to make some expectations clear, e.g., (just because I'm bfing and I found it tricky last time and it's still early days with my baby), I said to my family that I'd rather they pass her to me to try feeding her if she wakes after a chunk of time so I can try feeding her than them initially try and rock her back to sleep, etc. if you're not comfortable, then you should definitely tell them what would make you feel better. You're the mum! Lastly, if you're asking them to pass you the baby and they're not, they might just think they're being helpful and that you didn't really mean you wanted baby passed to you. E.g., at dinner recently, my baby was being pickly and my mum had her and I said to pass her to me (so my mum could eat) and she said no it was fine, she'd hold her while I ate. I asked if she was sure. She held the baby while I ate and at various points the baby was passed around between people till I'd finished and then I asked her to be handed back. No problems as we'd all clearly communicated. Maybe check whether you think you're being clear enough with them?

I just take them back.

It used to be seen as rude to give back a crying baby (unless it was feeding time or a nappy change) yo give the mother a break. But for something like colic or tiredness... the etiquette was to try and settle.

Just be assertive. I know it’s difficult but it will come. Remember your baby your choices. Xx
PS I had to ask someone last week three times (yes three times) to stop doing something I didn’t like with my Dc. It ruined my day as I was furious someone would ignore my wishes for my child so I know how you feel x

PS response one is bizarre so ignore them

If I literally couldn't get up and baby wasn't settling I would say to whoever is currently holding the baby "X bring the baby to me please" If they ignored me I would use a firmer tone "X did you misunderstand I asked you to pass me the baby, now"

You are not unreasonable!

What an aggressive response. Maybe they were trying to help with the baby if OP can't walk?

@nomoretreats I disagree if my baby was crying, I physically couldn't walk and no one considered handing her back (fair enough) I would ask the person holding her to hand her back. If they completely ignored me no they are not helping, they are being rude and yes I would get firm.

I don’t understand the problem, just use your words;

”oh dear little jimmy what’s the matter? Can I have him back now please?”

or if the say no/make an excuse

”Can you pass him back now please?” In a firmer tone.

Lots of people will see it as trying to be helpful to try and stop the baby crying before they pass back to mum. I’m pregnant and can already tell I won’t like my crying baby being kept from me so I understand where you’re coming from.

Given the way Op has written the paragraph it seemed to me people were trying to help make the baby quiet rather than make the baby cry. Particularly as it's stated that OP can't walk at the moment.

Obviously mum always knows best and god forbid anyone try to help someone who is injured and can't walk by trying to hold the baby. Maybe that's just me.

@nomoretreats it's in the op she repeatedly asked.

If they genuinely wanted to help surely they would pass baby back to mum if she asked them to.? Not continue to hold a crying baby away from mums reach knowing she physically can't get up and ignore her requests.

Would you if you were holding your (for example) baby niece who was screaming and your sister (who can't walk due to injury) asked you to pass her over. Would you honestly ignore your sister and continue to hold the baby even after she asked you several times to give her the baby and the baby is still screaming.?