I think it's time I accept that I might have postnatal depression

[BabyElephantish]

I wasn't sure where to put this.

DS is 12 weeks old. I had a touch of the baby blues at the start but I wasn't worried as it's pretty common. My mood continued up and down but I thought well you're exhausted so it is to be expected. As time has gone on however I find myself getting more and more tearful, withdrawn, and angry. I dread each day. The rage that builds up inside scares me. I am failing my children.

Should I see a GP? I don't want to be put on pills and left to it, but what options are out there for help?

You don't have to take meds, but do go to the gp and ask for a refaral to a psychiatrist to do counciling as a stat

You don’t even need a GP referral where I live, you can self-refer to the perinatal mental health service. For anti-depressants though you would need to see the GP.

Well done for acknowledging you need help. That alone is hard to do.

Thank you. I'll see if I can find out what the process is in my area.
At mine and babys 8 week check the GP had a bit of a raising children is hard you just have to get on with it attitude, so I worry I'll either get no help or pills for an easy solution

I love my DSs so much but I'm just not the mum they deserve at the moment

See if you can refer yourself to your local IAPT team, I was referred by my HV (I actually had a good one) but you can self-refer. I had CBT nothing else and although I still have rough days I’m nowhere near as bad as I was.

Hope you get the help you need and feel better soon x

And don’t refuse meds if necessary…some depression is chemical and needs meds. Therapy works in some circumstances.

Ah OP you are NOT failing!
What support do you have?

Maternal rage is so common but you said the rage is scaring you so best to talk to your GP or health visitor and make sure you and your baby are safe, and get some help?
You are still at such an early and difficult stage..it'll get easier. But do get some help.

Yes see a gp. Don't let the midwife fob you off. I knew mine wasn't "baby blues" but they kept denying I needed help

I won't rule out meds (I've taken them before in my life)

I have DH and a lot of family around for practical help, and a few friends for support and escapism. So I'm by no means alone, but I feel it. People can sympathise but they don't know how it feels. I can't even tell DH the thoughts that go through my head. He's trying his best to be supportive and he's good 90% of the time but then he'll make a comment about me being so negative or remind me that we've not had sex since DS was born, and then all i want is to tell him to fuck off

Yes, see the GP. Around the 3 month mark is often when it hits. It’s a bit of an assumption that it’s the baby blues that start shortly after baby is born.

I actually didn’t realise how depressed I was until it lifted. But I remember clearly the day it started. I was sitting in our bedroom feeding ds and it was like someone pulled the shutters down and it all got dark.

I didn’t get any help, but looking back, I wish I had. Do not discount meds. I’m very much not someone who takes medicine, but when I needed it, i needed it and I was grateful it was an option. When I no longer needed them, I came off them.

Worked up the courage to phone the doctor. Nearly hung up a few times while waiting on hold but didn't, then finally got through and no appointments left for today. You can't book in advance. Feeling so deflated at the prospect of going through the process each day only to get nowhere

Hi OP. Maybe try your health visitor? My son is 17 months old and I carried anxiety and low moods for much of my maternity leave then crashed once back at work. My health visitor made a referral that let me access an online/at home course for anxiety and depression and that was set up pretty quickly. She also offered to refer me for counselling but I've held off because I have access to CBT through work which I'd already arranged.

I went to the GP and accepted medication because I'd hit a low and couldn't fathom how I'd get out of it. I felt like such a failure needing to admit that I needed it but a few weeks on and my mood is lifting. I'm hoping not to be on it too long. It's good that you have recognised how you feel early. My GP also referred me to the mental health team which, again, came through pretty quickly but they couldn't take it forward because I'd arranged private CBT. I can access it later if need be.

It's also worth looking in to Pandas. They have a WhatsApp support service which is really helpful if you need to talk asap. They've all been so lovely with me and have helped lift me from a spiral or two. They also have in person support groups and that's helpful because, you're right, nobody knows what it feels like unless you've gone through it. It was nice just to feel heard and understood and you can take baby along.

One other thing I've done is gone back to exercise and I think that's been one of the best things for me. I tried yoga thinking it would be relaxing but it wasn't doing anything for me so I've been at high intensity classes and they're amazing for clearing your head and getting some rage or anxiety out. I know you're only 12 weeks PP so might not feel up to it but thought I'd mention as it's helped me the most. I honestly feel like a different person when I come out the gym and more able to take on whatever is waiting at home.

Sorry yours Dr system is so crap but don't give up. I did go on meds and wow the difference. No longer in tears all day long and the feeling of dread is gone.
I am enjoying motherhood again even though most nights I still get rubbish sleep haha!

hang in there op x