Leading our child on.

[Flofourtea]

Approached the subject of leading our child on for about the 10th time with my DH tonight. Doesn't seem to get the impact he's having on our child.

He WFH, after bringing her down for breakfast and saying about the toy she has and how we can play together with that over breakfast, something is always far more important and the telly gets put on and then he goes to work.

As he leaves he says things like, daddy has to go, he has to work so we can buy more toys for you.

I think it's awful to suggest that the reason you're not able to play with your little girl is because of the toys she might like - it sort of feels like blaming the child for enjoying something that an adult as chosen to purchase. I've said this and he says he's just trying to explain why he's got to work.

When he pops out for a quick wee or snack and she sees him he'll say "not long now and daddy will be finished work and we can play toys!" Or "maybe mummy will xyz until daddy and u can play" Only, I've got the lunch ready, I've got her ready and we're about to leave the house to do zoo/meet her friend etc and she then refuses to go because daddy said he will be finishing work soon. She has no concept of time (aged3) and I think it's setting her up for a lifetime of waiting for others/being a people pleaser. When I've said this he told me that I'm being ridiculous and what is he supposed to do, blank her? I jump in before he says it most times - no, we're going out and both of them will "oh" together.

When we have a duvet day, he constantly pops in gets her all excited and then just walks off. If our Dd knocks on the office door with me, he'll gets all proud daughter with his colleagues and then hush her out the door. Most of the time, I'm getting a key from him that he says he will put on the hook and forgets and she's asking "is it lunch time daddy?"

Once we're out, she never asks after him. She seems to associate in the house with waiting for dh to finish and play.

But when he does go to play with her he just sits there scrolling on his phone. You can see her with sad eyes trying to get him to join in and I usually step in and say "can mummy play?" And it's usually a no because she knows she can play with me all day every day.

How else can I word this to stop him from keeping our child hanging on?

This evening he said that I need to focus more on distracting her and it would be fine. But it's not fine. It's just me calming down a tearful child because they want daddy and not to go out to meet some new friends, enjoy the day etc.

I was a very independent child and I want them to grow in the same direction but I think this is pulling them back.

Any ideas or is this just a case of everyone has different parenting style and this isn't as concerning etc as I thought it might be.

Can he go back to the office ? Seems the obvious one aside from the fact he doesn't sound a great dad

No office to go back to, sold most of it. So not really an option.

Sounds like he needs to see this from her angle more, is he up for discussing? Particularly the phone thing- does he need teaching how to play and be fully present with her? It's an adjustment. Maybe there's some online advice you could show him, get him involved in thinking about how her mind works , and how speech development needs 1 to 1 conversation. Or just discussing with him how boring playing with little kids can be, but so important!

He could rent a desk / hot desk surely. Out of sight out of mind then when he comes in ar 5pm or whenever no excuses no phones he's parenting 100% til she's in bed

He needs to get a grip. It's not fair on your daughter and he's letting her childhood slip past him. I'd print out simple picture cards so that you can stick them on the wall each day showing what's happening

Breakfast - park - lunch - library - dinner - play with daddy - bed

Then he has to stick to it. His phone has to stay in his office and he fully engages in playing with her. My husband works exclusively from home and manages to play with our child for an hour every day before bed.

Could he be encouraged to use time language that makes more sense to her eg “we can play after dinner” and then have a little chart for each day that shows meals and what activities you are going to do so she can see when that is.

He probably has no idea. How much time does he spend with her 1:1? Until he appreciates how she ticks he won’t really see why what he is doing is problematic.

It's really clear no promises of play. Just play with her when you finish by work!!

I'd also be pissed off if dh started tell dc what I'm going to do with them. !

I'd have a conversation with him (away from dc) if he continues I'd pull him up every time.

"Why don't you and mummy do play dough?"
"Great suggestion daddy but we are having lunch then going to the park. I'll set it up for you two when you finish work as I have jobs todo"

With regards to the playing with her you literally have to leave them to it. If playing with him is boring she will lose interest and he may make more effort if you are not there to jump in.

Fuck me working from an office or hot desking isnt the answer.
him being accountable for his behaviour and held to a higher standard of behaviour is.

after bringing her down for breakfast and saying about the toy she has and how we can play together with that over breakfast, something is always far more important and the telly gets put on and then he goes to work

"Work doesnt starts until 9 its 8.35 you have at least 15mins. Dd go get your toy <dd runs off>. I will go turn on your laptop and make you a tea. Keep your phone in your pocket for at least 10 mins if you can manage that. Anything else i can do?"

But when he does go to play with her he just sits there scrolling on his phone. You can see her with sad eyes trying to get him to join in and I usually step in and say "can mummy play?"

"Get off your phone and play with your child. If you are working go back to your office and close the door and work."

I have zero time for this shit. Dont get me wrong i am constantly telling my dh to get off his fucking phone but i dont care how annoyed he gets or how annoying it is for me.

I embarass he by narrating what is happening. "Daddy is on his phone doing something important. oh! you are on instagram...erm..."
"Is that bbc sport article something you need for work???"

Dh really doesnt like it but also knows its not the parent he wants to appear to be....so i use this against him to get him going because he is willing in theory. again i care more about my child.

at 6pm if he is still up there I also challenge him on work because surpriseeee my job is demanding too (so i know what is bs)
The question to ask is "is this a time sensitive task?" Anything that isnt a yes i have to do it right now gets a "stop now and do it after 8.30 then"
Or "What is the impact if its completed by 11pm instead of 7pm?" Dh has to admit it makes fuck all difference other than he isnt present for key family time i say "okay. So stop now, enjoy playing with your child and do it after 8.30 then"

One other thing is bedtime. Our bedtime is 1.5hrs. We alternate bedtimes without fail.
Its flexible but We go up around 7 and have about 1 hr wind down. Bath teeth and pjs then play (so about 35/45 mins play... this includes bath play) Stories are 7.45 - 8 /8.10 and asleep by 8.30.
No fucking phones are allowed.

Like i am actually fucking embarassed for men sometimes

@TemuSpecialBuy him being out the house during work hours would be a good answer means op can fully hold him accountable either side of that because no , he can't be playing with her during work hours or making promises to. I'm not defending him, he sounds crap!

@mrssunshinexxx 💯 aligned on the crapness thing😅

but it sounds like even when he is home he is still dicking about on his phone so it only solves half the problem. That said i am (post children) more keenly aware than ever we as women live in a world where you have to chose between being getting the right solution (him being a present and responsible father and coparent) and "A solution" (he is out of the house so cant fuck things up 8-6pm)

We thought it was societal - the 1950s father working through the day, sitting reading the paper at night - but no it's just selfish men doing what They want.

@Spiderwmn true but a lot of women enable it, I know a few personally my sister being one. I wouldn't stand for it

He and you need to agree a schedule where when he is WFH, your DD doesn't see him until he's finished work. So you go out to the park and he uses that time to grab lunch or a coffee.

I sometimes wfh with a babysitter and I make a coffee in a flask, refill my water bottle and stay out of sight the whole time they are there with the kids. Anything else is unfair to the kids/babysitter.

I'm going to look into this idea. If he's out, even if it's just round the corner it be nice for DD to just focus on what she's doing rather than wondering if DH is going to come out of the office to play.

I don't know if he is up for discussing, I've lost count of the times I've explained when she's asleep/out of earshot.
I either get told not to tell him how to parent his child/how would I like it or he says he doesn't agree.
But I don't tell him what to do, I say what I saw: Dd was looking so sad when u xyz.
DD said she couldn't go to xyz cus she was waiting until ur lunch break so u could play together. So it was even harder to get her out the door because it was 9.30am and she can't tell the time!

Thank you for all the suggestions on being accountable with him being on his phone. I'm taking them on board and will challenge over the weekend too.

Those programmes that film a family in action over 24 hours/a week tell an interesting story. Could you film their interactions/his movements and then play it back to him? Then he would be looking at 'the facts' and not your {yawn}controlling behaviour.

I would find this sad, too. He should be taking her out to the park, playing outside with her (ball games etc.).

Tongue in cheek answer - teach him how it feels. Tell him you’d like to sleep with him soon and then repeatedly just stare at your phone and ignore him.

I think this would very much prove his point that OP is controlling.

There are better ways of dealing with the situation than filming him.