5 year old won’t talk

[Saycheeseburgers]

My 5.5 year old DS has always been a deeply feeling and volatile child. He is happy most of the time, but sometimes when things don’t go his way he can have huge tantrums, screaming and shouting but not really communicating what’s wrong. There’s also been 1-2 incidences of pushing and hitting in school (usually in response to being hit or pushed by another).

If he’s had an outburst, he point blank refuses to talk about it afterwards. It could be the next day, when he’s totally calm and happy, and he will say he doesn’t want to talk about it, refuses to engage completely. If I push he gets upset. I’ve tried doing it in a role play way, involving his toys, or through a book, but he just gets upset and refuses.

Has anyone dealt with this before? Any tips?

You could try behavioural pictures cards where he can point to what happened/how he feel.

Funnily enough i made some DIY emotion cards (angry, sad etc) and he will point to those no problem. He just isn’t willing to engage in talking about exactly what made him angry, or the details of what happened, or what he could do next time. He has always hated being told off, and I think even though I always approach it in a light hearted manner, he knows it’s a “serious chat” and he hates that.

I guess my question would be, why do you want him to talk about it? He doesn’t need to recount it or talk about it to process it in some way. At this age, you should be doing the talking, talking about how we don’t hit or push, it’s upsetting when others do it to us, it might make you feel scared or feel angry, but then we go and talk to a grown up who can help (name some grown ups), let him know you’re there to listen if he wants to talk about it, etc.

Have you tried the ‘thumbs up/down’ game? My DS is/was like this (it comes from hating feeling vulnerable and the associated feelings of shame) and this sometimes worked with him. I got the idea from The Good Inside site, which I really recommend (particularly the ‘deeply feeling kids’ area for situations like this).

Basically say to them you’re playing a game and they have to put their thumb up or down depending on how right you are. Start with something silly like ‘my name is mummy dinosaur, right or wrong?’ Once they’re on board you can start naming what you think was going on eg ‘you felt really angry earlier’, then they thumbs up or down. ‘You were angry because Johnny took your toy car…’ etc. I’d suggest doing it not looking directly at them, so they don’t feel too exposed. With DS I’d do it with him on my lap, facing away from me. She explains all this much better on the website than I am!

It helps them learn to name their emotions. DS only went along with it a few times, but this and other things have helped reduce his angry outbursts and he’s now much better at understanding and naming his feelings.

Is he struggling to accept responsibility?

Have a look at social stories? It may be a good way to work around and process the issue without it being g directly about him?

@mindutopia I guess I want to discuss it with him so I’m clear he understands. Interesting suggestion.

@HippyKayYay I love that page but haven’t seen that game, I love it, thank you for the suggestion!

@1AngelicFruitCake yes, quite possibly, I think that’s one reason I want him to talk about it. He says “sorry” so easily when it’s something silly like he trod on someone’s toe by accident, but he gets very defensive about the big outbursts.

He is defensive because those big emotions and feelings out of control are scary. Children who have escalated behaviour like that don't know 'why'. You can probably pick up on the triggers if you are there but if not there isn't much you can do.

Do you think there might be more behind it OP? I'd say huge outbursts in Yr 1 are pretty unusual. do you think it could be possible SEN at all? He may find it impossible to understand and discuss his feelings and the situation because he doesn't understand it himself, but just knows it's not nice and he doesn't like it. DS couldn't cope with being told off at that age either and found it very upsetting (diagnosed with ASD at 10).

It’s probably him feeling a bit of shame/embarrassment about how he’s behaved. Doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong just that he’s quite sensitive and knows it wasn’t appropriate behaviour so he doesn’t want to engage. You could try modelling talking about your own feelings to yourself in front of him or even having conversations with other people in front of him where you model accepting responsibility and discussing emotions more generally.

@Singleandproud it’s very tricky, I know him well and I have a quick temper myself so if I’m there I can usually guess what’s led to the outburst. I think his feelings are too much for him for sure.

@Beth216 there could be, I wouldn’t discount anything at this early age. Whether it’s SEN or not though I still feel I need to help him.

@Chaosx3x thanks, yes absolutely it’s shame and embarrassment, he’s always reacted very badly to falling over and hurting himself, because he’s embarrassed. He really feels everything and wears his heart on his sleeve so we all know about it!