I'm a shitty mum. Pls help.

[WeakWeakWeak]

I've got 2 sons (5 and 3). The older one has just been diagonised with autism after being on the waiting list since he was 3 (nursery referred him within a week of him being there!!).

I give in all the time. They are very loved but the relentlessness of my older one has broken me. he asks the same questions over and over again, he becomes angry and v. upset quickly, he can break things etc. He is actually getting a little better & is actually happy day to day - and we are v close - but he is so controlling of everything - bosses everyone around, and then gets so wound up if we don't do what he wants us to do - even to the point of telling what order to eat my food at dinner.

I have read the books, or tried to. But I just give in way too much. Examples of things

• giving him sweets with his breakfast this morning (alongside fruit and toast)
• driving an extra 20 minutes to not upset him by going the 'wrong way'
• letting him have another kid's toy when his mum wasn't looking
• taking him to starbucks drive through for a cookie.

that was all today.

what can i do? how do i find the strength to say no and stick to it? i work full time and am exhausted. the 3 year old is a bit of handful cos he's 3.

i see other mums in the playground look on with bewilderment at how 'weak' i'm being - not imagining it - he is bossing me about and they all see it. i do try to stop it.

the school say i need to 'pick my battles' and focus on reducing his anxiety etc and making allowances - but none of this feels practical in the real world.

the requests are every 2 mins. any advice? i just need to get my act together and every day i promise i will but so far - nothing. he is getting less angry actually but maybe that's just because i let him rule the house.

i really thought i was going to be a better mum that this but feel totally overwhelmed and ashamed.

Parenting is hard. Please don't call yourself names- you are trying your best and it's clear you care very much and that's not the sign of a bad parent.
Sounds demanding- and I can see how requests every two minutes could wear one down. I wonder if using distraction as much as possible would help- 'look there's a pigeon on top of the lampost' Have you seen the size of this slug?! Respond to requests with a nonchalant tone and almost deadpan way- always keep your voice level. Use humour- Nah sorry love- we can't go that way, I promised the car I wouldn't get lost. Then change the subject pronto. Don't explain further.
Have you sought support from any autism support networks to see if anyone else has had similar issues? They might appear less intimidating than official lines of support. (Not to knock official channels)

Where is dad? My ex wanted an obedient wife because his mother was an abusive controlfreak. That's fine. Just do as you're told. No problem. My mom did that too. My dad played bad cop and was the boss and mom was always sweet. We got kids and all of a sudden he expected me to play the boss with the kids. Yes hello. Lol I once put a wall in the living room so they wouldn't fight and he saw it and said it was crazy. He had to step up and do his part of raising them. I learned through the years to be less weak but actually I would always let the kids lead.

Is it possible that the school is wrong here?

With such constant demands, is there a risk that "picking your battles" will come across to the child as inconsistency, which will in turn increase his anxiety and desire to control, because your response won't be predictable?

What happens when you say no a few times in a row, or has that ever happened?

If you work full time, who looks after DS during the day (I assume he's in school, and goes to some after school activity) - and do these caregivers also "pick their battles"?

I'm.a bit of a fan of routine and consistency. Then everyone knows where they stand and where the boundaries are.

So, today we will be going home without stopping at Starbucks because it's Thursday. Then stick to it, even if they kick off.

Same tea time routine, same bedtime routine etc.

I struggle with routine myself - i've never had a routine - i do try but somehow every morning looks a bit different. like right now it's 7.15pm and i just checked MN - the kids should be in the bath by now. i have spent 40 years trying to have more routine myself and failed. and now i'm failing my kids.

but also some things are always the same - we always have the same things for breakfast for example - and yet today DS started begging me for 2 sweets to be on his plate, and it's just relentless - again and again and again - and he starts growling to himself - like it's a physical reaction to it. and i know if i say no we have 30 mins of meltdown ahead - and it's not fair of the younger one - and so i say yes, while making it worse for myself tomorrow.

This sounds a lot like possible pathological demand avoidance, it's an anxiety driven need to control everything that is seen in some kids with ASD. It makes parenting really, really hard and you're probably actually doing a lot of the right things.

I'm absolutely not an expert but saying yes to the child as much as possible reduces the anxiety and the idea is I think that you don't say 'no' and then back down, but say yes from the start if at all possible. This reduces their anxiety by giving them control while not making you a pushover who says no and then backs down to yes. This may be what school means by pick your battles - save no for when it's really necessary.

Give yourself a break, this is really hard to handle and parents often feel very judged because the way to handle it goes against 'proper' parenting. You say he he is getting less angry - and that is actually because you are preventing his anxiety by allowing him to do what he needs. It must be exhausting though so please look up PDA and get as much help and support as you can.

Hi @WeakWeakWeak - please do not be so hard on yourself. This all sounds really hard.

I echo what @Beth216 has suggested about PDA which can be linked to autism. I have a close friend whose son has PDA and autism: she does super low demand parenting and it does work really well for him. Please check out local ASD groups as they may be useful to you - I have a child with SEN and this sort of support has been brilliant. You are not alone.

I think that perhaps the constant requests can be because of anxiety about what's happening next and a desire for predictability.

It doesn't have to be a min by min timetable but a simple schedule, maybe pictorial might help. Then you can refer to what is now and what is next.

For car journeys I'd explain where you're going in a simple step by step way, and then rather than say "no" to requests to go a different route you can say "remember today we're going to x y and z". I try to avoid a direct "no" as much as possible with my autistic child, try and say things like "you can have sweets when it's snack time, yes" for example.

Buy fake healthy sweets like fruit snacks
Put a few self serve in a bowl alongside normal breakfast fare
Or perhaps flapjack or something sweet?
Difficult
I think to some extent some controlling stuff is fine, eg driving whatever way he thinks is right. What about a map printed out for him with different routes and the times taken like on Google maps, eg today shall we take the long or short route? To give him control and a visual reminder may reduce him asking or demanding? I get so stressed by demands when I'm driving

Im also a routine fan. An Alexa or Google home thing can really help with routines. You can set up a scheduled list of events and it will tell you how long you have left, what's next etc

You're not a shitty mum at all.

I'm not sure if the advice I have is going to necessarily work for you but these things helped me...

So they make a request..."i want to go to the park" don't just say "no"...say, "wow, what a great idea, shall we go tomorrow morning after breakfast".

When you need them to do something...ie brush their teeth. Don't just say "brush your teeth right now". Say, "what do you want to do first, brush your teeth or put on your pjs?"

You are not weak. Parenting an autistic five year old is RELENTLESS. Those school mums giving you side eye in the playground would be sobbing on the floor after a morning of what you have been dealing with for years. Fuck them.

Look at what you have already achieved - here are the bits that stand out to me: nursery referred him within a week of him being there!!)... He is actually getting a little better & is actually happy day to day... i work full time and am exhausted. ... he is getting less angry actually

This is a child with instantly identifiable, so medium to high, needs who has got better, less angry, is happy, despite being undiagnosed in those two years you've been waiting. You are ROCKING this even if it doesn't feel that way - because he won't remember arguing about two sweets on his plate, he'll remember feeling supported and happy in early years.

Here are some things you might want to try:

• Visuals visuals visuals. We have a visual timetable, don't think that because your child is verbal it's unnecessary, they are so helpful. You can put breakfast on the timetable and snack after. "Oh look, it's breakfast first then snack. We can have two sweeties for snack." Or just accept that two sweets are now part of breakfast. Why not?
• Use the visual timetable for bathtime and bedtime. Get the kids (both of them) to tick off what has been done. Don't worry about it being exactly 7pm for bath time, the important thing is doing it in order.
• Use a visual timetable (or just a written list) for yourself. I absolutely love my lists. I have them everywhere. It's also helpful for DC to see that I use visuals too, it's not a mark of shame and it's not just for children.
• Now and next board.
• Playfulness. I know - god I know - that in the midst of this the last thing you feel like being is playful, but it does help if you can manage it. At dinner time for example you could try a dice if he is trying to control the order you eat food in - roll a 3 and I will have what you tell me. I roll a 3 and you have a mouthful of what I tell you. Roll anything else and we just choose for ourselves - a lot of autistic children are fine with things not going their way if it's the "rules" and impersonal - the other thing some recommend is Alexa telling them when it's bedtime and so on.
• Join ASD support groups such as the SEN boards on here, on your local area Facebook group, and so on. There are often things advertised on FB for SEN holiday clubs or activities, where you can tell them you're late because your son had to take the 20 minute extra long route and they will laugh and offer you a coffee while giving you support when you do need to pick a battle.
• Get an EHCP. If you're refused, appeal. It may well be a battle but it is worth it. There is a lot of social skills support available to support him with turn taking, anxiety, emotional regulation etc and none of it will happen without the EHCP.

Above all, give yourself grace. You sound exhausted. It does get better - mine was so similar at 5 and at 10 is much, much easier.

Yes I was coming on to say PDA, and elements of demand avoidance can happen with all kids with ASD even if they don't 'have' PDA. If it helps, DD was somewhat like this and it's much better now she is 10, partly because she's learned how to regulate herself, and has more autonomy, which has calmed everything down. When she was really little we:

• Absolute routine. I am useless at this but DP is brilliant. If you find it hard, is his dad in the picture who can lead on this? Was literally down to how many stories he read to her in the nursery foyer and having the same snacks every time.

• Avoiding flashpoints altogether. In your example, I would simply not eat dinner with the children. Forget you are 'supposed' to. It's giving him huge anxiety and is not great for you either. We didn't go to supermarkets, birthday parties. Avoid driving anywhere near Starbucks for a while.

-Does he have any stims or anything that calms him? We had a mini trampoline which worked wonders.

• Keep weekends very low key and quiet, lots of downtime and outside time, this might include slightly more TV than you are comfortable with.

Don't sweat the small stuff but that doesn't mean you can't impose limits within the structure. If you e.g. never have sweets for breakfast he can learn that that is a reassuring structure. If you sometimes give in and sometimes don't that's also hard for him to understand (you might have to brace for a few meltdowns first).

I second trying to find an in person group or club, have a look at the council's 'local offer'. Within that seek out the other parents who work and have similar life stresses as you as I do find sometimes others can have quite rigid ideas (e.g. you should give up work and home ed, anything else won't work etc etc).

You're not shit, you're just going to have to parent a bit differently from others. The same things won't work.

Oh yes to the ehcp, it will take bloody ages so you might as well start now.

Picking battles is definitely the way we live (also have a 5 year old autistic boy).

E.g.

He is perfectly capable of putting his own clothes and shoes on, but he doesn't like to do it. On a weekend when we have time and nowhere particular to be, he has to do it himself. On a school day, when I need him out the door on time and not already heightened? I'll ask him to get dressed, if he says mummy help, I will dress him..

Yesterday he wanted pasta for breakfast. Unconventional yes, a problem? No. He ended up having pasta for breakfast and cereal for tea. Not the norm in most households but it wasn't a fight worth having with a child who already has issues with food.

The sweets with breakfast made me laugh. We have exactly the same. He knows this is for the weekend only, and he will have 5 sweets with breakfast on a Saturday and Sunday - always the same 4 different haribo sweets, laid out in the same order, followed by his daily multivitamin gummy bear. Not what I imagined when weaning him, but I can't get my knickers in a twist over 8 haribo sweets in a week, even if they are served with breakfast!

Sometimes though, I have to say no, or that he can't have/do something he wants.

Language is kept simple (when he's wound up his ability to process reduces). We do lots of now and next, so he knows what's happening. Today we've been out there's been a lot of "X then Y then Z", often with X or Y being something he's less keen on, and Z being something he wants to do e.g. "toilet, then lunch, then play area". This has been working well of late. I also find lately giving choices has helped a lot, we can't do X, but we can do Y or Z what would you prefer? You can't have that car, it belongs to someone else, but you can go on the swing, or play in the sand pit. I constantly tell my husband "don't tell him what he can't do, tell him what he can do".

If you've not already looked at it, I would recommend the book called something like "how to raise a happy autistic child"

It's hard though. Relentless some days, and I only have 1 child!

And just to add to my above post, when mine is anxious or already heightened, certain words are like a red rag to a bull, words like no, wait etc so requests and instructions are phrased to avoid these words

Place him in a room on his own with a tent and lots cushions he can go In There and have his meltdown while you pay attention to the youngest. Autism or not your child needs to be told no. This is going to get a hell of a lot worse if you carry on like this. No means no. Don't have sweets In the house. If he is autistic sweets will not be doing his behaviour any good. Cut out the sugar completely. You have to go through the meltdowns to get to where you need to. There's no way around it. Toughen up. Say no and mean no. Routine will benefit him massively he needs to know what's now and next. Once he knows you mean business the meltdowns will get less. Stick to your guns. The older you leave it the harder it will get.

Hi @WeakWeakWeak, this sounds so similar to my son, who is also 5 with ASD and ADHD.

He is also very controlling, he tries to control what I have for dinner, what order people walk down stairs, the routes we go to places.
It's constant and draining, and you sound like you're doing a great job!

We have a few non-negotiable things, and other things we are fairly flexible with. We will let him choose between two options, e.g. we can either go to the park, or drive the long way home, but we can't do both. This has helped because he is then still in control, he makes his decision, and then doesn't get angry he doesn't get to do both things.

We use ALOT of distraction, he doesn't cope well with the word "no", so instead we distract, with something also of interest. It's still far from perfect, but things are slightly calmer.

Find a group with other mums in the same situation, they will have tips and they will also just fully understand what you're going through!

You're doing a great job! It's tough!

Don't be hard on yourself. Sometimes you do what it takes to get through the day and avoid the tantrum/kicking off. Some parents like to say no on principle; don't look at it as giving in but as making your DCs lives easier.

I know we all talk about routine and you get parents on here whose day is regimented and every minute accounted for and that works for them and their DCs. That's great. It's a very Western thing to raise DCs. But I've lived abroad and believe me other cultures don't subscribe to the whole routine thing of naps at this time, food at this time and their kids are fine. So don't worry.

My (autistic) DD was similar to yours and as she's got older, she's got a lot better so there is light at the end of the tunnel.