To have a 3rd

[pinkbunnylugs]

I’m 33, have a 6 & almost 9 year old and for 4 years have hankered for a 3rd. My head has put me off (finances, time etc). But I don’t think I’ll ever be ok with it…
I recently had a health scare and it put it all in perspective. Kind of wish I did it years ago and I know wonder whether the age gaps are just too large?? Hubby is on the fence too…

please hit me up with your thoughts/experiences…

IME that niggle doesn't go away and the age gap isn't going to get smaller. Our third really completes our family and I do feel done now.

The age gaps are fine tbh.

My considerations with 3 were much more:
Financing (house, car, holidays, education)
Not wanting to delay retirement (i want to semi retire or retire at 60)
Reproductive health (I'm old)
Physical impact (I'm old)
Attention and energy (I'm old!!!!!)

If i was 33 with older kids rather than fucking 40 with 2 under 2 😅
I'd probably be going for it... new childcare hours will really help from a financing pov

Just my opinion before I get pounced on! I think it would feel like raising a pair of siblings and an only child. You will have kids in completely different stages of childhood. It will be early mornings with a toddler and a near teen struggling to get to bed. Then you will be pushed to find an activity they all enjoy. If you aren’t fazed by that then fine, for me sounds like added headache in my life I wouldn’t want.

Hey 👋 i just had my 5th (surprise baby), im 32 and there is a 8 year and half year gap between my twins and my 7 month old lol the gap is lovely to be honest, all the older children are at school so we get time just us and baby, they are old enough to understand baby needs extra care so no tantrums from young toddlers lol and they all adore her, can’t wait to get home from school n play with her.
If im honest me and OH didn’t want another baby, neither did ds 12 (he cried when we announced we were expecting lol) but now couldn’t imagine our lives without her, ds 12 is absolutely besotted haha i say go for it, we are so glad we did and we didn’t even want another haha xx

Not for me. Two’s company, three’s a crowd. Five in a family never fits into hotel bedrooms. A squash in most cars. Much more expensive! It’s inevitable. I’m more about practicalities. Larger families always get the eldest child to help as unpaid labour. Could be roses all the way or you could have the child from hell. I didn’t take the risk. However I was clear I didn’t want to. 2 healthy and happy dc are fine.

I have a 7,5 and 1 year old. I wanted a 3rd for a year it was all consuming but i thought i couldn't do it. I ended up pregnant when my 2nd turned 4 and i am so glad it happened. The pregnancy was very very hard. It is in no way easy but im really happy to be doing it all again.

That's why I had two sets of two 🤣

Thanks everyone. @TizerorFizz this is my head. But my hearts said otherwise for YEARS. Feels like a flip of the coin for sure though.

@Avie29 thats reassuring as I can imagine our eldest not being too keen. Our youngest has asked for a younger sibling for ages!

@pinkbunnylugs Will you feel "done" after three? Will you want another and another?

If I could have I would have had two, but had to settle for one.
The negatives for me would be:

1. The drudgery extra work - washing, cooking cleaning etc
2. Expense - school uniforms, clothes, food, support through university, holidays, bigger car, bigger house
3. Logistics - after school activities, parties, juggling childcare with work.
4. Emotional/mental health issues - friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues, exam stress x 3 for GCSEs and A levels, impact on the other children - do they want to share bedrooms?

You say your husband is on the fence. If you have another will he share all the extra burden with you equally?

My my girls 14&9 were excited, my youngest son 9 is autistic and has a cognitive delay so while i think he understood there was a baby in mummys tummy he didn’t understand what that ment, my eldest son cried and asked if there was anything we could do to stop it, he then had further disappointment as he would have preferred a brother, even as pregnancy progressed he was not particularly happy, but when we brought her home it was mostly him that would sit my her chair watching her and giving her cuddles lol he absolutely loves her now, if she cries hes the first one there, he sings to her which is so cute lol, so don’t worry if there are any negative feelings from older siblings to start with xx

@RampantIvy yes all these things I’m very aware of. Especially cost of food and extra juggling mentally and physically.
we are already OK car and house wise. Our two girls share a room already but don’t need to.

works a big one. I think I would have to be a SAHM for a while again which would be a big financial blow.

my husband can only help as much as he can, he works 12 hours days so the burden is mostly on me…

@Avie29 what a lovely story 💜

@pinkbunnylugs There will come a time when older DD wants her space. I found too many mums used older DDs for housework and chores. They didn’t get what they needed and mums spent a lot of time asking other parents for transport and picking up. Even worse when it was 4. Also what DD 2 wants isn’t her responsibility in the end, it’s all down to you to do the work. A baby so much younger will lose appeal when it takes time away from her.

Same! We couldn’t decide for ages, but they’re 2, 7 & 9 now and so glad we did it! I felt done the minute she was out.
This summer has been relentless and tricky but also so much fun and the challenges are age related. They all get on amazingly well and once little one drops her nap it will make things logistically easier, so it’s only a short term ‘problem’. Not really a massive problem anyway as the older ones appreciate some enforced downtime in the middle of the day haha.

Just to add on this, I am finding things incredibly relentless at the moment. Someone always needs something, there is so much noise and my kids aren’t even particularly loud and they’re really good kids with no issues. It will definitely be 100% better when they’re back at school but DH has got me through this summer, it might be very hard on your own. Of course, loads of people have 3 alone though! Just thought fair to warn you.

Mine are the same age, 9 and 6, and this is exactly why I won’t have another. I wish I had at least thought about it seriously when DC2 was much younger. I feel it wouldn’t be fair on them, and rather than adding to their lives it would take away (different if they were younger I think as the change isn’t so big).

Also we are a family if at least 75% ND, I suspect, and I feel we’re incredibly lucky with our two and neither are disabled by their differences. We might not get so lucky with a third, and I have friends who have non verbal children with very high needs. I see how much they adore their DC balanced by how absolutely hard their lives are, and feel for us it would be too big a roll of the dice.

@KimKardashiansLostEarring yeh. We think our eldest has ADHD, she’s on the waiting list. So life is pretty full. I have a feeling I need to make peace with it. I think I’ll always morn more kids, but that may be just motherhood. I think it could just push me over the edge tbh. I love 1-3 year olds so I have considered changing my career to be around little ones. BUT I also love the thought of having 3 adult kids 😩

@freespirit333 this is so true and similar to us.

I get quite triggered when I see celebrities and/or friends having third and fourth children. Which is ridiculous as I know there are people that can’t have kids at all, and I have two lovely kids already.
I think I need to find a way to make peace and maybe greave something I always thought I’d have. Its expectations isn’t it.

I’ve read this over and over and it’s really
helpful
wichitamom.com/pregnancy/having-more-babies/

Ah OP. It’s so tricky. In your position which isn’t miles away from mine, I wouldn’t. It’s only in the last year that I’ve felt fairly sure my youngest is ND as well (had a niggle about DC1 since he was 3). They’re both happy children now but who knows what secondary might bring. And it’s so highly genetic - chances are if your eldest has ADHD, either you or DP may also be.

I have two boys so I definitely mourn the daughter I never had, as much as I hate it when people say that! But at the same time I remind myself that a daughter of mine could be an absolute nightmare!

I had a third . Didn't stop me wanting a fourth lol

@freespirit333 thanks for the solidarity 🙏🏻 two girls here and know how you feel. You can feel both gratitude and loss at the same time, I’m a big believer in that!
yes we are pretty sure my hubby is ADHD. I think I’m mildly OCD and SPD. So yes; the struggle is there. My gut feeling is that it probably isn’t worth it when looking at the whole picture.
plus I had them young (24 & 27) and there are big perks to that for my own life going forward.

I have 2 and wouldn't have even had a 2nd if DH was working 12 hour days. He's back home by 5.30pm and then we parent and deal with chores equally. I definitely look forward to him being there to share the load and I'd find it stressful to be doing bedtime on my own (we take one child each). He gets the dc ready in the mornings and gives them breakfast while I get ready too, so he really pulls his weight. I know other parents deal with everything on their own and their partners work away for months, but that isn't for me and I would not have more if I was doing all the daily childcare.