Only child and playgrounds

[avajamesbee]

Parents of only children, how do you handle playgrounds? It seems like all other kids are there with their siblings and aren't interested it playing with other children.

For background, I have a 3yo DC who is an only child (and likely to stay this way for the foreseeable future). We schedule playdates at home so he socialises plenty. However, when we go to playgrounds I struggle I lot (I think I struggle, I'm not sure he does so I don't want to project...) because he seeks out other children, asks them if they want to play with him but they look at him funnily, ignore him and then proceed to join their siblings and play with them instead.

I come from a Southern culture where playgrounds are a place where children meet other children and they start playing together immediately. When we visit my family there and we go to playgrounds, my DC just approaches other kids, asks them if they want to play together, they say "yes" and they start playing. This is how I grew up as well. However, it doesn't seem this is the case in the UK and it's breaking my heart when I see my DC being ignored. I don't blame the children at all as I know that at this age their socialising skills are not quite there yet, but it keeps happening every time we've been to a playground this summer.

I'm not sure what to do in this situation - DC keeps trying and being ignored, after which he gets bored of the playground and wants to leave. Parents of only children in the UK, how do you approach this situation? Thanks in advance!

My DD mostly likes to play with me so it’s not a problem I have very much. But that said she has played with random kids at playgrounds too.

If he is the type to need another child all the time then arrange more playdates at the park instead of home? We do most of our playdates elsewhere.

If he’s likely to be an only, he needs to be OK playing by himself. You need to be OK with that too. For my DC, I’m trying to teach that they don’t have to play with someone if they don’t want to but at the same time, that means that people don’t have to play with them. Sometimes they’ll play with other kids and sometimes they’re happy playing by themselves.

DS tends to play with other children at playgrounds, I just reassure him that not everyone wants to play and sometimes they are busy with their own friends/family, so he understands if they say no, he's pretty resilient and always finds someone who wants to play, he's wrote direct and will say would you like to play together? Or can I join in with your game? I encourage him not to bother much older children

To add her is actually fine playing by himself and has a good imagination, so sometimes he's doing that and other children approach him

He needs to learn to play on his own and not get bored. Also, rather than directly asking other children, he could start play alongside the other children and just join in with what they're doing. I don't think it's common to actually ask other children if they can play, up front like you've described.

That hasn’t been my experience at all. My DD who is 7 makes new friends pretty much every time she goes to the playground and has done since she was a toddler- we lived in the US then but have been in London since she was 3.5 and she’ll even manage it with kids on holiday where they don’t speak the same language! She has a younger brother but he’s her last resort only if the playground is quiet 🤣 DS is 3.5 and sometimes plays with other kids but equally is happy playing on his own so isn’t as bothered- he doesn’t tend to approach other kids unless he knows them from nursery but is quite happy when they approach him.

Have you tried taking toys with you that DS can share with other kids? Sidewalk chalk, stuff for the sandpit (if there is one), bubbles and stomp rockets usually get other preschoolers flocking to join in!

I was going to say the same thing, bring bubbles, cars, trucks, etc, it will usually get interest from other kids. As long as your child is good with sharing.

When my DS was three his brother was only six months, so I guessing these children are playing with their older siblings? There must be plenty like my DS whose siblings are too little? Is it def their siblings and not their friends/ children of their parents friends?

DS1 did sometimes play with other children at playgrounds aged three but mostly played by himself at that age. I think he would have been freaked out by another child saying "can I play with you", but he did play with others when it happened organically, often older children.

Is it one particular playground?
How about trying a few different playgrounds and try different times of day?
If all the older siblings are off at group activities then the younger ones will have to try and be a bit more sociable!
Your poor child! Must be so deflating!!

I wouldn’t try instill this on him just because he’s an only child, being an only child is completely irrelevant - speaking from experience. All kids need to learn to play on their own regardless if they have siblings or not.

I don’t think this is a general UK thing as DD nearly always finds people to play with at playgrounds and soft plays. I do wonder if age is a factor- other 3 year olds might be more cautious about playing with someone new whereas 5/6/7 year olds are more used to being sociable (and often a bit sick of their siblings lol). After all, 3 year olds won’t have been playing “with” friends for that long- as toddlers a lot of it’s just playing separately but next to each other.

I do also think some playgrounds are more sociable than others as well, so could be worth trying a different one

Could be an age thing OP, my son wasn't interesting in playing with other kids at 3, its only now he is 7 he really seeks out other kids to play with but he usually makes a friend when we are at the park or soft play.

I think 3 is still quite young to expect children to play independently with other children they don’t know at a playground. I have 2 dc (so not only children), but a large age gap so only ever one at ‘playground playing age’ at a time.

They definitely interact with and play with other children. In fact, my 6 year old spent like 2 hours playing with totally random children yesterday at soft play. But 3 is still young for independent play. They still mostly just play alongside others at that age.

Mine rarely played with their siblings, they played with their friends or children they met at the park.

Most siblings have an age gap of a couple or years or more, which is big at age 3. Perhaps it’s not a sibling issue so much a confidence issue?

yeah this is usually our go to! I do have two children, but there were a good few years where DS was either an only or DD was too small for him to be bothered playing with her so he was off solo. Either he was really in his own world and others not on his radar, or he'd ask if people wanted to play with him. Bringing a toy/bubbles etc as an enticer to others was handy. Otherwise it meant he was at least occupied and didn't mind that he didn't have others to play with.

My children have always enjoyed playing with unknown other children at play parks. I think you've been unlucky or perhaps it's just because he is much younger than the children he is trying to play with or children his age don't yet have the social skills? I'd say after 5ish children will be more open to playing with him.

We have a 4 year age gap and when dc1 was 4 and under, we mostly went to playgrounds as a family and she would rope me and DH into elaborate fantasy games, or get us to be a monster chasing her, or create cities in the sandpit. In bigger playgrounds it was all about exploring the different equipment and getting to grips with higher climbing frames, doing the zip wire together, water features etc. So they didn't really seek out other dcs to play with, and while they would sometimes get along with dcs they meet at a playground, it was just easier to play with a parent as we know the rules of their games.

It's been the same with both my kids (I usually take my younger one on my own now as the eldest is in school). They sometimes play with other dc but 80% of the time they are content on their own or with a parent. Even when DH and I go to playgrounds with both dcs, they often play separately from each other and with one parent each. Not all kids want to socialise with other kids at playgrounds and I don't think dcs should go in the expectation that they'll always meet random kids there to play with. It's healthy for dcs to know how to play independently and they will get plenty of social opportunities at nursery and play dates.

My dd has always found a friend or two to play with at playgrounds. She's shy of adults but has no problem going up to other children to ask if they'll play.

I am a Mum of an only child. Some kids with big families are not used to talking to people outside the family. I used to go to more well to do areas, where its not so unusual for people to have just the one.

Oh that's really sad and I too notice children aren't very friendly or sociable. Mine has always gone up to other children from a baby but 95% of children don't reciprocate and state blankly. They happily play by themselves or sometimes will find a child to play with. It is very sad though and I agree it's a dofgent culture thing

As an only child, I was very imaginative with play and could easily play alone or with the input of my mum or adult. Start off by kind of accompanying her onto things, then she'll start playing and naturally involved other kids. So you can step back. A playground is a very natural environment for kids, having siblings shouldn't really come into it. If you're really worried then just go along with another of her little friends.
Kids don't necessarily play with their siblings at the playground any more than other children, it's just that they know them better. In fact they may gravitate to kids closer to them in age. They play with their siblings at home because they are always there. They will want to play with new kids once they're out and about anyway as it's a novelty.

This is really sad and not my experience at all. I'm an only child and grew up in Scotland and played with children in play parks etc. my son is 3 and is also an only child growing up in Scotland and had the same experience. All children of all ages just play together. I've never even given it a second thought.

Thank you everyone for the helpful responses! Reading through them I think it is an age thing and should resolve with time - my DC is definitely more sociable than other kids his age, it’s just his personality. He does love playing independently at home so no issues there.

I’ve also gotten some ideas of how to help him meet other kids by bringing toys etc so thank you for that!

Mine always make friends in the playground. I think you've been unlucky OP. I'm sure it will change.