How to be a parent?

[uno2]

I don’t want to go too much into detail. unfortunately both of my husbands parents have passed and we had to take on guardianship of his 13 year old sister recently.

i am struggling a bit with going from no kids of my own to being responsible of a 13 year old.

i don’t know how to parent her, don’t get me wrong i care for her well, she has a house, food, clothes etc but i feel like i dont know how to be a parental figure, if that makes sense.

for instance, the aunt of this child approached me and told me to put her on birth control and i said no, i dont think its appropriate for a 13 year old and i would also prefer her to be more educated so she can make her own decision on this herself. am i wrong for this? i keep feeling like im being judged for every decision i make.

another instance, she regularly asks for money and to go out with her friends (that live 30 mins away) and i feel guilty saying no because im not her parent and i dont want her to be upset. but i also cant keep allowing her to be in a different town without me or my husband there.

im not sure what to do, how do i make things easier on us all? how do i be a parent?

social services are not involved but will check in from time to time but it has me on edge feeling like i’m doing an awful job and all i want to do is raise this child right and as best as i possibly can.

Wow OP that is a big step for you, I think you are right to not put a 13 year old on the pill 'just in case'. I think you need to decide with your DH when she can go and see her friends and when she needs to be home and then stick to that, at 13 she'll be starting to become a little more independent but you don't want her out god knows where at all hours.

Perhaps you could have her friends round to yours for something to eat and a movie or something so you and DH can meet them if you don't know who they are, that way you know where she is and she's still getting to see her friends.

You want to do a good job OP and that's the most important thing, nobody has all the answers, it's just about doing the best you can. Keep communication open with her as much as you can, ask about school, ask about friends, ask about hobbies.

Has she had/is she getting any counselling? I think that would be a really good idea if not. There are probably some charities that might be able to support and advise, Winston's Wish is one but I'm sure there are others too.

You and your DH need to decide on your basic boundaries for her, and any consequences for when she pushes those boundaries. Also, she has had significant upheaval and is dealing with the loss of her parents. That is bound to be affecting her. Is she getting any counselling?

Other than warmth, consistency and boundaries, take an interest in her life and interests and try to include her in decision making where it's appropriate.

Is she at the same school in September or starting somewhere new?

i have said numerous times she can have her friends at ours but because of the distance i understand why their parents wouldn’t want them far from home.

thank you! i think all of us are finding it hard to adapt at the minute so i will definitely try to communicate as best as i can with her.

she does get counselling through school but i think i will try look into more support for her and also us as a family.

i feel guilty saying no because im not her parent and i dont want her to be upset
How to be a parent… well first you have to stop saying you’re not her parent! You are her parent now, and both she and you need to accept that.

Your job is to keep her safe, warm, fed - but also to guide her in the right direction. No you shouldn’t put her on birth control! A 13yo shouldn’t be having sex. If she’s headed in that direction then you need to remove her from the influence of those friends and help her find new ones who are more appropriate.

Also, surely your DH - her brother - should be taking the lead on this?

thank you - this is really helpful! at the minute, she is well behaved, when we do say no she will just accept it. i think the issue is me as i feel bad for saying no but at the same time i am still trying to adjust to being a parental figure

she is getting counselling with her school! and she will be returning to her same school in september as we are relocating back to that area soon.

I think if I were in this situation I would work very hard on trying to establish an open and honest communication style with her.
As an orphaned teen it would be very easy for her to retreat into herself, but both her and your life will be happier and easier if she is able to talk to you about how she is feeling.
I think it's ok to say that this is all new for you too, and that you will work it out together. Make sure she feels safe and grounded as much as possible. Ensure she knows that she can tell you things without feeling judged.

It's important to stick to your boundaries, it actually helps children to feel secure even if they don't realise it at the time! Adults who are inconsistent and unreliable are destabilising to children.

Also, one of the features of parenting is that no one really knows what they're doing! People tend to model what they know from their own upbringing, by default.

Our main priority is to raise her right, my husband and i are still fairly young and have no parental experience so we were very much thrown into the deep end but we are trying our very best. sometimes i just feel like i don’t know what i am doing!

she is not having sex, she has a lovely group of friends and they are all very well behaved. the aunt suggested birth control and im not entirely sure why but i don’t think its appropriate.

my husband is doing the best he can, he is very much a parental figure to her - but it is something i am struggling with myself.

The decisions that you are making sound considered and sensible.

I would consider asking the worker for a referral to the Living with Teenagers parenting course. Going straight in to parenting a grieving teenager is hard and it may help you feel more confident in the decisions that you are making and how to go about setting those boundaries.

I think at that age part of being a parent is compromise. So she's old enough for independence and to see her friends. I'd drive her to the town 30 mins away then wait and have a coffee and read my book for a few hours while she hangs with friends, for example. It must be awful for her not to get to see her friends.

we have a really good relationship and she does talk to me and will ask for support and advice etc, i think my issue is im finding it hard to be a parent rather than her sister in law!

thank you for the advice, i will keep this in mind!

Another key part is emotional support, spending time with her, facilitating things that make her life easier like having a warm and welcoming atmosphere at home, not sweating the small stuff. Open dialogue about all sorts.

The aunt sounds very odd about her birth control suggestion if there's nothing to suggest she might have sex.

I don't know what the aunt was thinking with that comment. It's not normal to suggest a very young teen should be on hormonal contraception "just in case". If you know where your niece is and who she is with, then unless you have another specific concern it's not something I'd worry about.

Does your niece get pocket money at the moment? It might be an idea to set her up with a pocket money card (rooster, GoHenry or similar) and give her a small amount monthly or weekly, just for small spending. My 12 year old DS goes to a youth club and uses his pocket money for snacks whilst there, and for saving up to buy small items for his hobby, I can see everything that he spends with it, so it's more controlled than cash.

Sorry, not your niece, got confused about the relationships!

Tbh you sound very sensible all ready. It’s a huge thing for people who are already parents to take on let alone those who aren’t parents. You are doing good, your instincts around protecting her sounds right. Main thing is you explain with compassion and warmth, keep encouraging her to have her friends around for a movie night etc. You could also drive to see her friends on a weekend and drop her off at a cinema with them or bowling or whatever it is that they do and just hang about and then take her home with you.

Main thing is warmth and making her feel like she is in her own home and she’s comfortable. There are probably some books on teens out there that will be helpful in the future so I would start stocking up on those.

Most of us who are parents are basically learning on the job too. Very few people would say they 100% know what they are doing. You are doing great x

i think her comment threw me off a bit as i felt judged for not putting her on the pill but the comments here have reassured me that i did make the right decision for her.

yes she has one already! we put money in for her every week after she does some chores around the house and she likes to save it up so she can buy stuff off shein

she is back to school next week so she will be seeing more of her friends but i will definitely suggest outings at the weekends so she can see her friends outside of school just until we are able to move back to that area.

thank you for that i really appreciate it! i always pictured how i would raise my own child so i think i do have an idea i just didn’t expect it to be so soon!