My terrible (but lovely) two year old

[WhatColourIsThatBalloon]

My DS is 2 - 3 in October - in nursery 5 days a week and I am really worried about him.

He has tantrums seemingly over every little thing at the moment, transitions are a nightmare, trying to get him to do something is often met with a defiant no and perhaps a hit or a bite if he is particularly annoyed.

He isn't really making friends at nursery, he plays alongside children rather than with them, can bite or hit children/staff if they get to into his personal space. Not sure if that is typical for his age, maybe - maybe not. The room he is in at nursery looks small for the amount of kids in it, and the ratios of 1 to 4 feel really low to me but again perhaps that is typical of all nursery settings? He was doing well there until maybe April this year.

He's recently dropped his nap and was showing signs of being ready to potty train so have just today sent him back into his setting after four days at home working on it with him. To be fair to him he has done well at home, only a few accidents but that concentrated time with him has made me feel like he would do so much better with just me or his dad. We do need to work to keep a roof over our heads but I am exploring options around dropping a day or maybe even two next year.

He is such hard work and I love him so much and so often I feel worn down by the huge 'do's' over every little thing. Teeth for example was fine last week, this week is all screaming and no's.

I get that it is about control, language, that he will probably grow out of it in time. But I can't shake the feeling that I am doing the wrong thing by him sending him into nursery.

We had a meeting with staff there the other day and they are applying for 1-2-1 support for him from the local authority, some really vague talk of SEN but my honest gut feeling is that he is toddler testing the boundaries - but who knows?!

He's responded to a sticker chart at home for potty training so we are going to try that but with behavior, try and make our boundaries that we expect (nothing huge but trying foods before rejecting, teeth, washing hands, kind hand etc. really clear) really really clear and visual for him.

Not sure what I am asking really but does this get easier? Will he be okay? Is there anything that I'm missing?

I think you need to talk more to nursery, getting 121 funding is not easy so they must be seeing something much more than a child testing boundaries as they would see that all the time. It's fantastic that they're looking to get him support but I'd want to know what SEN they're wondering about and why (I'm assuming ASD though from what you've said).

Have they had anyone in to observe him from SEND? I would ask about getting him observed and then take it from there, there will be a lot they can put in place to help him whatever the case. He sounds a lot like my ds was at that age, no one picked up on it and he didn't get diagnosed with ASD until secondary school age, he's off to uni now.

With the teeth thing I used to sit in the bathroom with ds and tell him i was just going to wait until he was ready to do his teeth. Made it as boring as possible until he got bored and did it. The thing that made the world of difference with transitions was lots of warning before they were going to happen and plenty of time for him to finish whatever he was doing.

Thanks for replying @Beth216 and sharing your experience with your son, so good to hear he is off to uni soon. And thank you for your tips on tooth brushing.

Yes, they have had a SENCO from the LA in to observe him twice. First time they didn't see anything out of the ordinary and we are waiting on the report from the second observation, they will use this to make the case to the LA. I have asked explicity what SEN they think but the response was vague, perhaps they are not able to be direct about it as they are not qualified. I don't know much about ASD if I am honest, a quick google looks like it could fit?? I should look into it but I also don't want to get hung up on something that might or not be the case, pigeon hole him too early... and I'm a bit scared as well if I am honest. Do you think an earlier diagnosis would be have been helpful for your son?

He has specific interests, numbers, balloons, bins etc. and can be quite fixed on them. He's quite smart, spoke quite early, good language although doesn't always respond to names. He is emotive, smiles, makes eye contact, forms bonds but mainly with adults.... Sorry if I'm being a bit vague. Just really feeling worried about a bit beaten down today. Though nursery have just message to say he went for a wee on a specific colored toilet which has made me stupidly happy and now I want to cry.

I don't have advice, I'm afraid, but you come across as such a wonderful mum who is doing a fantastic job and I think you probably need to hear that right now.

He's very lucky to have you as his mum, whether he has additional needs or not.

And congrats on the potty training milestone! 😀