7 year old has no respect for us his parents

[Mumtoboys1719]

I don't know how it's got so bad like this and I'm really concerned about him getting older and having no care in the world and treating us much worse.

Our 7 year old is so disrespectful to me and his dad and also to a couple of other members of the family when he's not getting his way or he gets angry. He just gets set off with one thing or another and that's it - he digs himself a massive hole because he just will be as rude as possible even though I'm trying to say to calm down, take deep breaths or something but all listening goes out the window.

Last night we went for a lovely family walk and in the park with his younger brother and on the seesaw together and my husband accidentally pushed it a little fast and his brother fell down slightly but he wasn't hurt and it was all ok but he said to dad that he was an idiot and kept saying it. We told him to calm down, everything was ok, his brother was ok. Dad said sorry for going a bit fast but he continued calling him a loser and being rude.

We said we were leaving if he was going to continue being rude which he did. As we left he told my husband to p*s off then told him to f*k off in front of other people. My husband was very cross with him and shouted at him and we came home.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. We have written up house rules which we did together last week but they haven't been stuck to by my son. We did see someone about his behaviour a few months ago but she didn't see the difficult side of him as she only saw him in school. She gave him and us strategies but as I say when he's in that mood, nothing works.

It's becoming a constant battle. We take away his technology and give him consequences but he is still so disrespectful.

Please any advice?

Well he’s not really being disrespectful, he’s not old enough to understand that concept. He’s just got an out of control temper.

It sounds like you have to be a lot tougher with him. For example when your husband pushed the swing a bit fast and he was rude, rather than apologising and reassuring him (why?), just go straight home - every time he is rude the fun activity stops.

When he behaves well, then lots of praise and positive experience.

Behaves badly - the fun stops immediately.

Stop apologising to him and reassuring him when there is no need (which there wasn’t).

Where did he learn that language? This also needs to be on the immediate punishment list.

If that doesn’t work then get some more help, but try someone different.

Thank you for responding.

We do normally end the activity as soon as he's rude and naughty although we can't always do this for instance if we've paid for a day out and can't just come home. Plus that isn't fair on his brother to miss out so we would normally carry on but our eldest wouldn't take part until he shows better behaviour.

Unfortunately he has learnt the language from us and another family member (not that we swear around the house in every day conversation - it is normally when we've been very cross so I accept responsibility for that as he's learnt it from us which I hate).

We are always praising him when he is good or actually reacts well to something that he would normally react badly to so he can see what is good.

I just don't know what to do anymore when he swears or what is the appropriate punishment other than taking things he likes away.

My son can be like this in similar situations (minus the swearing which you need to stop). He is a similar age with ADHD and Autism and will call people idiots if he believes someone has been 'wronged' and can hold a grudge for a long time. We take about emotions, model correct responses in these situations, discuss that people make mistakes and talk through ways to calm when 'his volcano is boiling over'. He has ELSA at school which does this too.

Have you tried a star chart. Rewards at end of the day or week. Doesn't have to be big things. Stay up later, choose a film. Don't get cross in front of him swearing etc. But actions have consequences. Don't book days out. Do little things where you can remove him and go straight home. Jo frost naughty step is a good one top. Remember you are the parent and stop explaining everything. It's enough to say we don't do that a d because I said is enough sometimes!

He needs clear and predictable boundaries.

You say you've written up some rules. Remember that this does not need to be a communal event: you are the parent, the adult. The child follows your rules.

You could add to your rules some consequences for breaking them.

Eg time out with no devices, etc. (which should already be very highly controlled).

If he's being rude and disrespectful as in your example. Name and describe the behaviour: you are being rude. That is a rude thing to say.

Supernanny fell out of fashion about 12 years ago, but her methods worked and gave kids clear boundaries. I don't know if some of her stuff is on YouTube.

It's up to you to teach him how to get on in real life without you.

So you're both frequently swearing around him when you get angry at stuff. Does that include at the kids?

If you're getting that angry around the kids then you need to accept he's exhibiting learnt behaviour and you need to change yours first.

You need very clear boundaries. You are the adult. I understand your husband apologising to your younger son for pushing him too hard. He certainly had no reason to apologise to your elder son. It wasn't him that was pushed too hard by his Dad. Your son dislikes not having his own way, and becomes angry when it either doesn't happen or if things aren't going as planned in his mind. You need to be much tougher. Absolutely praise him when he's behaving, use reward charts. If he's rude at home, send him to his room, and he stays there until he can be better behaved. Don't apologise to him for punishing him or telling him off. Yes, he needs to be aware why he's been told off, but at 7 he's not a toddler, he knows why! Does he behave this way at school? If so, then you need to ask them for help. Pastoral Care may be able to offer some practical advice.

My younger was very obstinate and at times very rude from the age of 2. I have always treated him with respect (or at least as much as I could master in the moment). No shouting, listening and trying to understand his point of view, compromise whenever possible. His is almost 14 now. He is still quite stubborn and at times self centered but he grew out of rudeness. I believe as parents it's our job is to model the desired behaviour. No excuses this particular child "is asking for this ". Your son really does want your love and acceptance (all children do). He is just going about it the wrong way. We all know people who sabotage their best interests. It doesn't mean he doesn't want a good relationship with you. All behaviour is communication, what is he trying to communicate? Also, all children are different. My son's older brother has always been "a model citizen", ever since he was a baby. Same parents, 2 years gap, completely different children. I never compare the two. Parenting is the toughest job in the world, don't take your son's behaviour personally, keep reaching out. I can also recommend the book How to Talk to the Children so that They Listen and How to Listen so that They Talk. I hope it helps

Sounds like learned behaviour.

He won't respect you just because you're his parents.

I used to think that but it's just not true for a lot of kids.

Take priority action now because if he's like this at 7 post puberty will be a nightmare.