What to do when child doesn't want to go to dads girlfriends house?

[Eph91]

My son (B) is 8, and has always had regular contact with his Dad and family since we split when B was around 18 months old. His dad had another long term relationship about 3 years or so ago, before the current one and B was fine going to her house. B has, in recent weeks been saying that he does not want to go to his Dad's girlfriends house, now to the point where he doesn't want to see his dad. His dad is on the birth certificate so I can't stop contact, not that I'd want to, buy I'm unsure what I can do?

I brought the fact up that B doesn't want to go to his girlfriends, before B said he doesn't want to see his dad if he has to continue going there, and his dad said B was fine with girlfriend etc.. the thing with B is that he is being assessed for ASD/ADHD and masks a lot. He is not the same child when he is with his dad, he will mask when with him until he gets home.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Tell him that its his dads weekend with him, and that it's not up to you.

It got a lot less stressful once we all established that.
I wouldn't get involved in the minor details of your sons preferences for when hes with his dad. It just gets toxic and exhausting. Obviously there are exceptions to this

Maybe you could get your kid to open up to his psychologist, and you can then get the psychologist to relay the information to his father.

Sounds like your DS doesn't like his dad's current gf. Children are people and so don't always like everyone. This is regardless of whether they have other issues.

As a PP said you need to tell your DS that he has to go to his dad and it isn't up to you.

Once your DS gets to secondary age - which may see a long time away but will come around quickly - then it will be his choice when and who he sees. Doesn't matter if he has ADHD and autism as he's still a person. Until then he has to see his dad as agreed.

You sound like a great mum but I feel sorry for your son being pulled from pillar to post with all these relationships of his dad's.

Sorry, have no wisdom except glad my son's dad is no longer around having fucked off back to his country - we still have a great connection with the family -

I couldn't deal with dad's being around with all that bullshit..

Wishing you the best into the future.

Go for counselling to deal with it is all I can say. I did it. Helped me put things into perspective. Best of luck.

Just wondering if it's not the gf as such but maybe the house. Is it too busy/noisy there? Has he got space he can retreat to if he's overwhelmed?

I had this with my son (same age but no ADHD) and he refused to go to his dad's for a while. He said it was too chaotic at the girlfriend's house. Ultimately his dad stopped taking him to her house and started seeing him at his house. Maybe I should have forced him to go but I'm glad he asserted a boundary. He is a human being and I'm glad he can say when he's not comfortable. It's not something I have ever been good at. Sorry you have to deal with this, it's really difficult.

I wouldn't get involved in the minor details of your sons preferences for when hes with his dad

It’s not really a minor detail. He sees his Dad only on certain times (is it weekends, OP?) and it seems like he always has to split his time between his Dads house and his Dad’s girlfriend.

This is also the second relationship of his Dad he has been exposed to and the kid is only 8. He might be worried about forming an attachment to another adult who will be replaced with another woman in a couple of years for all he knows. Or as pp said, he might just not take to her or the environment at her house.

How many more girlfriends houses is he going to be expected to spend his contact time at by the time he’s 16? This is disruptive for anyone but especially someone who is ND.

Women are often(rightly) told on here not to introduce their kids to new boyfriends after a short time. This should apply to men too. How long has he been in this current relationship Op? Can he not see her on the days he doesn’t have your son? Or at least have her come over to his Dads for a few hours instead as your son might feel more comfortable with her around while he’s in his own place as opposed to visiting her house .

I agree with the post above - I think you should handle it the way @jimbort did.

I'd ask dad to find a solution but also explain to son it's dad's time and you can't tell dad what to do. Encourage son to tell dad the issues.

It's part of a child being from separated parents as you know unless there is serious abuse/neglect issues it happens

Encourage son to tell dad the issues

Yeah I think this is important. Perhaps you can even facilitate the conversation and discuss it all together.

Do you know the girlfriend, OP? And do you know why your son doesn't want to go there?

I think that's important to establish just in case there's anything going on.

One of my young relatives didn't want to spend time with his dad's girlfriend and it turned out it was because she was being quite abusive towards him (calling him horrible names, telling him his dad didn't want him there, etc).

I think first of all it's important to have a proper talk with your son and get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to go, and for his dad to also do the same.

I think the whole "When you're at dad's house it's dad's issue" isn't great to be honest - he might feel more comfortable talking to you about certain things, for whatever reason. You have to do what is in the best interest of your child, not just what is easiest for you and his dad.

That might mean sometimes getting a little bit involved in what is going on at dad's house, if you think it's not in the best interests of your son.

One of my young relatives didn't want to spend time with his dad's girlfriend and it turned out it was because she was being quite abusive towards him (calling him horrible names, telling him his dad didn't want him there, etc).

That’s so vile and heartbreaking, but I know this kind of thing happens a lot as someone who previously worked in social services.

Yes. She didn't want children and resented the fact that her partner had them at weekends, so she would be really mean to them.

Why you'd date someone with kids if you hate kids is beyond me!

As a childfree woman I agree with this.

As much as I love kids and am an enthusiastic Aunty and godmother, I absolutely don’t want to be a stepparent or anything like that.

I refuse to date men with kids as it wouldn’t be fair on the kids, and it enrages me that women who are lukewarm or worse still hostile about kids /step kids don’t just also stick to finding partners without kids!

What a horrible woman. Did he split up with her?

Very sensible and makes sense for both you and potential partners/ children!

They are still together unfortunately, but the kids go there a lot less frequently and don't have to if they don't want to. He isn't the best dad to be honest but that's another story!

OP - not saying this is the case with you or the new girlfriend, but usually when kids don't want to go somewhere/ do something, there is a reason. It could be as others have said to do with the ASD/ ADHD and it being a bit overwhelming with a new person on the scene - even if it's that, your son needs a bit of sensitivity and not to be forced into things he's not comfortable with.

Or the ASD/ ADHD might be a complete red herring, and he simply doesn't want to go because she isn't being very nice to him or they haven't hit it off.

Either way, it's important to get to the bottom of why, especially as he was OK with the previous girlfriend.

I can't imagine ever saying dad's time, dad's problem. It's her child, of course she cares about how he feels ALL the time, not just the time he's with her. If my child was unhappy of course I would get involved in sorting things out. Especially if the dad should be doing so and isn't.

They are still together unfortunately, but the kids go there a lot less frequently and don't have to if they don't want to. He isn't the best dad to be honest but that's another story!

@cosyleafcafe That’s extremely sad. He’s chosen to stay with a woman who is extremely emotionally and mentally abusive to his child. Again, it’s a common occurrence but it never fails to shock me when I hear these kind of stories.

I’m glad the kids don’t have to go if they don’t want to and honestly it would be best if they decide to stop going, because this man is not someone who keeps them safe.

I expect that they will go less and less as they grow older.

Yes I don't understand pp who are saying you just have to tell him he needs to go as it's his Dad's time with him.

I think it's really important to try and find out exactly why your son doesn't want to go there. He was fine with his Dad's previous girlfriend and to dislike this one to the extent he'd rather not even see his Dad rather than go there indicates it's not just a whim. That it is a really serious issue for him.

For the sake of his welfare you need to establish why he dislikes being at the girlfriends And if you find the reason it should be a pointer in how you act going forward.

Yes I agree. I can see why it's tempting for parents to have that separation, but nobody is a perfect parent and sometimes another adult needs to get involved for the sake of the child.

There could be something going on that isn't in the best interests of the child and dad is turning a blind eye because he's swooning over his new GF.