Very tactile three year old

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DS is 3 years and 9 months and is very affectionate but it regularly tips over into being very rough, and as he’s getting older I’m increasingly conscious about this.

Some examples from today, I was kneeling down and he started hugging me round my neck (strangling me, basically!)

Climbing up me if I’m kneeling, standing on my thighs with his arms round my neck.

Running his hands through my hair and yanking it.

Suddenly leaping off the sofa onto me when I was on the floor with the baby and her toys.

Most frustratingly grabbing his one year old sister’s face constantly, and being right in her face - she understandably gets cross and frustrated.

It probably sounds really obvious - tell him not to - and I do. I’ve told him quite firmly today but he just carries on, or stops then starts again. If you try a consequence like removing him or whatever he just carries on as soon as he’s back.

Its horrible because I obviously don’t want to be telling him off for hugging me or whatever but it’s starting to feel quite aggressive.

It’s tricky, but you have to be firm and consistent. It’s the only way. A child in my family was very much like this and it caused a lot of trouble when he started school - he never meant to hurt anyone, but other children just didn’t like his lack of respect for their personal space, and became wary of playing with him.

Talk to him about how other people don’t like him (or anyone) touching them in ways they don’t expect. Emphasise "Kind hands". Model gentle touching and hugging, and reward him when he does it nicely. You will have to be firm about how he touches his sister - it’s just not fair to her to let him hurt her, even if it’s unintentional.

Keep doing what you're doing and also try to pre empt it and distract him. It's a phase it will pass as long as you carry on with consistenly stopping him and explaining why he shouldn't do it.

It's totally normal but it drives you mad, mine climbs all over me, hangs off my neck all kinds. Currently spinning round holding a Teddy. Just really really emphasise being gentle and demonstrate gentle hands with him. Does he have a relative he can "go crazy" with? Mine knows he can play rough with his Uncles and Grandads, and sometimes Daddy but he tires of it too same as me ha, whereas its more of a novelty for his relatives, they'll throw him upside down and all kinds.
Get him out for as much physical exercise as possible. Some kids are just very boisterous and it's a case of channeling all that energy- trampoline, swimming and soft play all amazing for this.

If he still isn't listening then consequences have to be more serious- removal of toys or screen time normally helps!!

Thanks. @Wavescrashingonthebeach the issue with more serious consequences is they are meaningless if they don’t change the behaviour / they don’t make a link between consequence and behaviour. I’m not adverse to some firm consequences if it changes things but if it doesn’t it’s pointless and actually could be counter productive.

Thanks all. I will keep reinforcing that message to him. It’s really upped lately and thinking about it I think it’s an attention thing (the baby is quite demanding) but it is frustrating, and painful!

Tell him what you want, not what you don't want. Praise more good stuff than you correct incorrect stuff.

'You must stay a little way away from your sister, so you don't frighten her'. Does he get attention for doing the wrong thing? Swap this to give more attention for the right thing. 'That's great DS, look how amazing you're being giving all that space to your sister! If you can do that for the rest of the time we're at the café I'm going to read you an extra story when we get home to say thank you.'

Kids are not being rough to hurt people, usually. But there's little benefit to them of being gentle, so if you can give a reward (not food!) for gentleness it helps.

Thats a good point @bergamotorange I do try to but sometimes in the moment (especially when it hurts!) I find myself yelping or worse snapping.

Oh crossed with your update! Attention is often the key issue. If he is rough, people respond? Swap that. Much more attention for all the good things.

Well done for picking that up.
Thank you for putting the book down carefully.
What a lovely gentle cuddle.
Well done for waiting.

They used to say make sure to give at least seven pieces of praise for every criticism.

Not a stupid question but does he watch Bluey on tv?

Give him bear hugs and squeezes (and tickles if he likes them) early on in the day & throughout - it will meet his sensory needs in a way you can guide more effectively.
Then set clear boundaries and reinforce them calmly but firmly.

My child is like this. What’s the Bluey connection?

@bergamotorange brilliant advice...I'll take that too. Thanks

Trust me at over 3.5 they can certainly make the link between the consequences and the behaviour. Trying to force everything to have a "natural consequence" isn't working if it means you are snapping and losing your rag because you've had enough. If I say calm down or the telly goes off then he does it's as simple as that and works most of the time.
In real life not all consequences are natural for example people get fined for speeding.

Sometimes; I am not a fan though, why? I doubt it’s linked to Bluey.

My granddaughter..4..is a big fan of Bluey. Bluey often shows Bluey and Bingo beating up in play fashion Bandit the dad. The other day she was here and did stop hitting her younger sister with a cushion when I told her to stop but wouldn’t stop play hitting her grandad. She kept laughing and he said she’s been watching Bluey. Had he not made the connection I would have been worried by her behaviour. I tried to explain that what Bluey did was not always ok for her to do. She is starting school soon and I think that sort of behaviour could be misunderstood. She is a lovely child..not at all difficult so this surprised me. I thought it might be relevant to your son.