Consequences for a 3yo

[Ibetthatyoulookgoodon]

We have a 3yo (3 years and 3 months) LB with no developmental issues or suspected neurodivergence. We also have a 9mo. Overall DS3 likes his baby brother and wants him to be involved, however, sometimes (I think relating to not getting enough attention) he’ll do something unkind to him; bang him on the head with something (not hard), Wake him up when he’s been told to be quiet, squeeze his face, snatch things away from him etc. nothing horrendous or physically harmful but he’s clearly misbehaving, he’s doing it because he is not supposed to. Usually I try and avoid these situations occurring and separate them if I can see we are headed that way but it’s not always possible. Would you ‘punish’ a child of this age for this type of behaviour and if so how? I wonder if he’s too young to fully understand consequences and to control his impulses but maybe I’m wrong?

It's normal older child behaviour to a younger siblings. He is doing it because you give a big reaction and that is what he wants.

He doesn't need punishing he needs more 1:1 time with you specifically, where it's just the two of you even if it's just a quick game of connect four or similar.

Is he definitely getting enough 1:1 time with you without the baby there OP? Could he be acting up as a way of communicating that he is missing you?

If this isn’t the case, a stern telling off and a time out would be appropriate and loss of privilege if it continues.

"Punishment" in terms of consequences which are not related to the offence are not evidence based in children this age. In fact the only truly evidence based behaviour management approach in toddlers is planned ignoring. Your attention is the most valuable resource to your toddler, and the evidence is clear that attention towards behaviours (regardless of whether that attention is positive or negative) strongly reinforces a behaviour. That's why he is deliberately doing things that he knows he isn't supposed to - because it gets him the attention that he craves. He is too young to meaningfully have any impulse control. If he gets the impulse to do something he has simply not reached the developmental stage of being able to resist that impulse and control his behaviour. The more attention a behaviour gets him, the stronger the impulse will be to repeat it in future.

When he does something undesirable give him as little attention as possible for it. If it's something that can be safely ignored then ignore it completely. If it is something such as hitting his brother then physically intervene to remove baby to safety, but then immediately give all of the attention and concern to baby, ignoring toddler. If he consistently gets no attention for these behaviours then they become boring and pointless and the impulse to do them will fade. The flip side is that you need to be showering him with attention and praise for positive behaviours. Any time he is gentle, or waits patiently, or stays quiet when baby is sleeping make sure you notice and make a big deal out of him. Reinforce those behaviours until they crowd out the bad ones, and his attention seeking impulses lead him to try to do good behaviours as thats what gets the desired response.

Thanks - i think you could both be right that I’m not spending enough time with him on his own. I work and DP is a SAHP so I have a lot less time to spend with them anyway, we tend to do things all 4 of us at the weekends etc. perhaps I need to carve out a bit more time for the 2 of us.

Thanks, this is really helpful.

I have 3 grown up now. It's worth talking to you 3yr old about the baby. Say how much the baby loves him and will want to play when older. Plus as big brother his job is to help you with baby and protect him. Can say negative consequences from difficult behaviour but doesn't work well. Better to reward good behaviour. However, be careful to supervise them when together. Mine would try to give baby a biscuit sometimes.

And you can word it positively so he doesn't think bashing his brother on the head is what's getting him 1:1 special time 😂

Something like "we just need to get baby brother to sleep. When he's gone to sleep and quiet - if you leave him we can do X"

My DD is similar age and also behaves similar with her little sister. No advice but you're not alone! I go between ignoring the behaviour and telling off, depending on my mood and the situation etc.

I was going to say the same thing! The same age difference here, too. I try to wonder what he's trying to communicate with the actions - hungry, tired, sad, mad etc... although sometimes, yes, boredom and wanting a reaction.

It's an odd age I think because they're generally mastering their speech so quickly, we expect their emotional intelligence to follow, but their impulse control is still so poor and so is emotional regulation.

No other tips, really, just to say you're not alone and it's tough going!