Meltdowns going to school

[Mamabear04]

DD started school a couple of weeks ago, she was happy and excited, has a friend from nursery with her. Fast forward 2 weeks and the novelty has worn off, she is having meltdowns every morning about going to school. It basically starts from the moment we have to get shoes and coats on to leave. Today she was throwing her shoes, stamping on her coat. I've tried the gentle approach of giving her a hug and talking to her, helping her get her shoes on etc but it doesn't work it just escalates and she can't come back from the crying. I've tried distracting her but she can't snap out of it. Nothing seems to work and today I just lost it and said because of the way she behaved she wasn't allowed to ride her bike and had to walk (we were going to be late if I got the bike out). She shouted and cried all the way to school. I just don't know what to do. I bought her a keyring to put on her bag to remind her when she looks at it "even though something feels difficult, it will be ok," this worked for 1 morning. Tried drawing a heart on her arm and mine, she wanted it washed off immediately. I'm honestly so stressed by it. I have a toddler too and walking to school with 2 upset children in the pouring wind and rain is exhausting. She's always been such a sensitive child ie gets very upset if her clothes are uncomfortable like her sleeve rides up when she puts her jacket on etc (she knows how to fix this) and can be very huffy. Can someone give me advice before I explode?

I should say DD is always happy when I pick her up from school, has already made new friends, likes her teacher and enjoys the activities. She has mentioned that the other kids are talking about ghosts and monsters which is a problem as DD has horrible nightmares about ghosts. I'm not sure how to handle that one other than say she's safe and that they don't exist. Her reason for not wanting to go to school is that she wants to stay at home.

This is normal. Just try to make mornings as stress free as possible. But the transition from home every morning is actually quite a big one. Ultimately, she has to go, so be kind and calm, but firm. It does get easier, but probably not for awhile yet. Everyone else is experiencing the same even though they may not look it at drop off.

Unfortunately it took 6 weeks for my LO tantrums to stop in the morning, 6 months on and he loves going now! We just had to ride it out.

How is the rest of your routine?
You need to minimise stress in the morning get as much ready as possible the night before to give you maximum time and give her maximum positive attention and once toileted do pretty much all other jobs in the kitchen to avoid faffing around. Lunch made the night before, all bags packed etc. does the toddler need to be ready for the day or can he be toileted, given a snack and a coat stuck over his PJs for the time being?

You get up and dressed first. Get DD washed and dressed and stick an apron or dressing gown over her clothes to protect against breakfast and toothpaste spills. Sit with her whilst she eats and possibly play some of her favourite music generally have a happy atmosphere. Then teeth brushed in the kitchen and straight off to school without any 'empty' time. Don't have cross words just lots of distractions, turn getting shoes on it to a game. With a sticker by the door on a chart for who ever is ready first. "I wonder if we will see the white dog today, what do you think" Distract, distract, distract.

Don't make school a big thing, stop with the hearts and the keychains etc it's making it all a bigger issue and something to be worried about.

However, do keep a little eye on the clothes sensitivity and the outbursts, at this stage it's totally normal and nothing to be worried about. But if she generally shows struggle with transitions between activities and that continues beyond 6 or 7 and has other challenges it can be autism (or not). But generally it is inherited so if you have no one in yours or her dad's extended family that have traits it's likely nothing to be concerned about.

It sounds to me as though she might be finding the whole thing overwhelming. If she is sensitive the whole transition from home to school ( where it is busy and noisy and other kids can be unpredictable and tell frightening stories etc) might be really tricky for her.

How supportive/nurturing do you sense the school to be?

If you think they might be receptive, then talk to the teacher and ask if you ( plus toddler) might be able to come into the classroom 10 minutes early and read a book to her so she has a calmer start to the day.

Other things I would try are being super organised ( uniform set out night before, she's and book bag ready in hall) and allow extra time for each action in the morning especially putting on shoes and coat. Then I would make a picture list of each thing that needs doing ( eg getting dressed, breakfast, teeth ) right up to getting shoes and coat on. Get her to tell you what is next on the list rather than you keep having to tell her. Reduce as much sensory input/demand/overwhelm as you can in her mornings.

I don't think it is a bad thing that she has learned that if she spends too much time putting her coat and shoes on, then the logical consequence is that there is no time to get her bike out.

When she is not in a distressed state, talk to her about how you know she has big difficult feelings in the morning and that you want to help but that she does need to go to school. Suggest things you could try the moment she starts to feel the big feelings ( big hugs? Some children find sucking up through a straw calming - you can look online at ideas to help children who become very disregulated and try some of them - initially when she is not upset). It is still likely that she will become upset at times. When she gets to that "can't pull herself out of it" stage, I think what she needs from you is calm nurturing presence and a commentary to help her make sense of it.

"I can see that you are having very big feelings right now. I know they feel really horrible but they will ease off. I am right here and ready to give you a hug when you want one." On repeat.

I know this is all the last thing you want to do when you also have a toddler and are trying to get out of the door in the morning but it will help her for you to be as calm and prepared as you can.

If school are amenable to the "soft start" then once she has done it a few times, getting her to think about which story she would like etc while you help he on with coat and shoes ( without saying anything specific about them) might help

In the short term I think you will have some disregulated mornings to come and you will need to ride them out. I don't think anything is going to be an instant cure but hopefully with some of the suggestions above you will get there pretty soon.

Could she be autistic? It's quite common for asd children to not cope with school and it sounds like she has sensory difficulties too which is often a giveaway imo.

I know it's stressful op, but honestly "losing it" and making out like she's being punished for "bad behaviour" when she's just upset isn't the way - to be clear, I understand the bike thing from the pov of not wanting to be late, but from what you say, you framed it to her as if it was a punishment for her being upset? Apologies if I've read it wrong. And just to say, I totally understand, it's really stressful!

My son starts school next week and he's a very sensitive child - he's been at nursery from 18 months and most nursery mornings had to involve a solid, calm routine just to get him out the door and even then he'd often have to be dragged off me. I've done it all - routine, picture in bag, keeping it "light and breezy" (this advice especially drives me mad, of course I'm calm and positive for him but some parents have no idea if they've not gone through it)

One thing that does have a good effect is knowing what's happening at the gate - could a teacher come and meet you at the gate even for a few mornings and you talk about it as you walk down, then it's all very consistent for her? Talk to the school and explain, at the very least they'll be aware of circumstances in case you are ever late because of an intense morning. They may be able to offer some help/support?

My son also struggles with clothes, noise, busy places and has to do/have things very particular way - he's awaiting an autism assessment, his key worker at nursery and his Paediatrician have said he's very likely autistic. I'm not saying that to worry you - loads of children struggle once they realise how permanent school is. I vividly remember feeling really overwhelmed and sad that "this is it" as a child about school - I did enjoy it but it's a huge thing for kids to adapt to!

So generally we have very calm mornings as i like to be organised, everything that can be preprepared is done so the night before, I get them up, dressed and DH feeds them their breakfast while I get myself ready. I then let them play or watch a bit of TV (teethbrush and hair done at some point during this 20-30 min) before we leave as it calms her down. I make sure she goes to the toilet 10 mins before we leave and then give 5 min warning for shoes and then basically as soon as I ask her if she needs the toilet it's then that the emotions start to come out. I guess I never thought about the transition thing because generally she's always been really good at this or so I thought....

She's my first child so not sure how good the school are but they do have a good reputation. So far I haven't even talked to the teacher as it's just drop off at the door and then pick up the same way.

I have suspected something else might be at play, not sure about autism though. Had a review with her HV (over the phone) and she seemed to think she is developing normally. When I mentioned about being sensitive and very emotional she just gave me loads of things to try even though I had just told her I've tried all those ideas. DH half brother has aspergers but not sure if there could be a link. She loves spending time with other kids, is very emotionally aware of how other people feel but I don't know how she sits in terms of other kids because I don't see other 4 year old very often so can't compare if that makes sense. Since having my 2nd child(who is very chilled) I've realised how intense DD can be (I don't like to use that word but can't think of the right one) that might just be her personality though or maybe I am not good at parenting her...

I'd cut TV out before school. It is very absorbing and will be harder for her to stop, particularly if she is finding transition to putting on shoes difficult.

I'm am not saying it is autism as it's totally age appropriate at her age but now you've said it's in the family I'd be keeping a close eye on it and parent her as if she I -these methods work well for all children anyway. Don't assume autistic children aren't emotionally self aware in actually fact they keep tip right the other way and be incredibly empathetic nor that the don't like playing with other children they do. But you may find her games are different and often very complex that others lose interest. Also don't underestimate how exhausting being at school is, she'll be run down and picking up everything soon.

Cut out the TV and play section, do hair then teeth, shoes on, and leave lots of distractions and bribery on the way perhaps share a pain au chocolate on the way. When you get to the school early you can have a calming moment there, take a book with you and find a bench, play a clap game, play tag etc.

@Singleandproud could you tell me more about your DC and traits they showed at 4-5 year olds? Can you explain more about the complex games? And share a little bit about your journey to diagnosis?

She's actually not that interested in TV. I found the mornings that she has had the major meltdowns have been the ones that she's been drawing all morning or playing...

Not necessarily. My son finds it much easier to turn the telly off than end a game /set up. It makes it easy to break things into blocks of time they can comprehend too.

Again, it's different for each child. My son would just get more and more worked up as we waited to go in, I have to time it so he's literally able to walk right in and that works loads better than him waiting around.

I've found straight in seems to help too, it's just sometimes the getting there that's the hard part. Do you have any more tips that help your son?

In terms of diagnosis, I worked in education and had experience and I have several family member that show traits and it has negatively impacted their lives so I was always aware.

I started saving up when she was little as knew Secondary school could be expensive on the assumption that if she needed to we could go private / get braces / pay for expensive overseas school trips. She pretty much thrived at Primary and didn't struggle until Secondary when I was able to bypass the NHS 4 year waiting list and just went private. Never consulted the doctors, just informed school of my concerns they didn't recognize anything in her until after the fact. She never would have hit the bar to even be put forward for an NHS assessment because her autism is only an issue for her, she exhibits no challenging behaviour and not in MH crisis because we nipped it in the bud early

DD is extremely well behaved, loves rules, gets upset if she thinks someone has broken them, would punish herself with 'naughty' step despite it being something we never had. Never ever tantrummed (unless under the weather, tired or getting in the pushchair)

Appeared to roleplay with small world toys but actually it was a direct recreation of something she had experienced or seen via other media.

Games were always extremely complicated, a game of touch/tag had about 25 different rules

No issues with clothes but minor issues /preferences with food - whole banana/ melon great, sliced and 'slimy' melon/banana and absolute no go. Is noise sensitive and thinks hand dryers are the work of the devil. Doesn't like it hot and bright so we do lots of things early morning or in the evening

Only thing Primary school ever brought up was she liked to watch children rather than play with them but I brushed that off as she was an only child, and her teacher once called me because she wasn't writing at length in creative writing whereas her writing in other subjects was fantastic. She's well into her teens now, loves writing and language as a tool loves Shakespeare and writing her own poetry and reading play scripts and poetry. Hates creative writing and fiction novels with an absolute passion.

As part of her autism assessment they did a WISC V which was worth it's weight in gold and showed that her language and other academic skills put her in the extremely gifted range but her processing and working memory were 'just' average. So her ability had masked her disability through Primary where she didn't need to use any real effort on the academics but this made absolute perfect sense as she'll forget a list of instructions you give her, will do very complicated maths written down but still count on her fingers for mental arithmetic, same with spelling on paper and outloud.

Start of secondary school she had COVID badly a week in and took quite a while to recover, really struggled with the noise at school and unpredictability of other students and general school environment.

She becomes 'more' autistic when ill and tired so she feels everything more and it's harder to cope and she gets overwhelmed much easier. She rarely has meltdowns, but rather shuts down, loses the ability to speak and just goes into herself.

Year 7-8 was the worst time, I think hormones have settled now and she manages her environment much better so she can cope better with lots of downtime, noise cancelling headphones.

How old is she? It's normal and takes a bit of time to get settled. Bear in mind that school isn't compulsory under the age of 5 so if she is really struggling she might need time out occasionally. Appreciate though this might not be possible if you're working etc. Keep doing what you are doing, lots of hugs and reassurance.

I've been. Doing smiling minds with my 4 and 5 year old. It's a free mindfulness app. It has a kids section. It might help develop self regulation.

I think that her reaction to school is pretty normal. It's hard and exhausting for them. I think COVID could possibly be to blame it certainly impacted my kids social interaction and caused separation anxiety. It should get easier.

I would also just get ready and then play at school. I wouldn't do TV or crafts in the morning. Also don't hang around once you drop her off. Go quickly.

My 4 year old was getting upset because she thinks I'm at home watching bluey all day. I explained that I'm cleaning poo and doing really boring jobs.

So this is nursery, but I'll be using the same methods for school and learning as I go, but here goes -

Stay organised. Be ready before he gets up. Lunches done, bags etc lined up before we're ready to go. No rushing if possible.

Breakfast and telly. Then get ready and go to loo - like your DD, his anxiety starts on the toilet, I think that's where it fully sinks in it's almost time to go.

Positive but understanding as we get shoes on etc. A small bit of chocolate on the way out (shoot me, I don't care, it helps) Chat about what he'll be doing, ask if what his favourite thing is about being there. Talk about what we'll do at home so he knows who's picking him up, what's for tea etc. The staff know I do this and it's an ice breaker for when he arrives.

If it's really bad I call ahead and let them know in case we're late and so they can be ready for us on arrival. They know what helps him and have their own routine for him on arrival which they've shared with the school (inside, straight to book corner, help with a little job etc)

Timing is huge - he hates being late but gets stressed waiting to go in. It's a fine line!

I basically launch him at staff after a hug now (the hug is not optional, he gets very distressed if we don't have a hug) but sometimes when they have to drag him away screaming, yeah the "light and breezy" goes to hell and yes I cry. I cry walking away, I cry in the car, I cry at night when everyone else is asleep. I know he's ok when he's there, I know the staff are wonderful with him, I know it's good for him to learn, socialise and all that jazz. None of it matters in the moment though.

I think in his head "being" at school/nursery (friends, books, cool projects) is a totally separate thing to "going to school - leaving the house, leaving me/his dad, walking in etc.

We're trying to help him link the two or focus on the former and manage his anxiety about the latter, but it's really hard.

We've been declined occupational therapy but awaiting a contact from childrens mental health and we're doing a parenting course (this is linked to other things not just drop offs, of course)

Thanks for going into so much detail. Sounds like you've been an excellent mum and supported her so well.

Reading over that it's so hard to tell as DD is not yet 5 years old. I'll keep an eye on her, she doesn't show any traits that BIL has bit I also know girls with autism present differently than boys so I'm always a bit worried with her being sensitive to touch and sound. I definitely think being a covid baby has had a huge impact on her and I did see a huge benefit to her starting nursery at 3 years old. I guess time will tell with school but it's so crazy the difference between drop off and pick up, like chalk and cheese really.

She's almost 5 so we're not getting out of this one!

I do genuinely think DD just loves being at home with us (although the past few months has been bouncing off the walls and definitely ready for some more stimulation at school!) Will look at the app thanks

Just wanted to give a little update - DD was an absolute dream going to school today, walked off into class with her little friend without looking back. Thinking about it after reading all your comments I do think a lot of what happened yesterday had to do with the weather - it was raining and she had to wear trainers for PE. I think the clothes she has to wear is actually an issue. Has anyone else had experience of this? Thinking about it she hates wearing coats, jumpers and cardigans etc. She has the exact same trainers for leisure wear but they are pink whereas her school trainers are black and for some reason that's 2 weeks in a row she has had a meltdown at having to wear them and not her school shoes. Is there a better way to handle it? These clothing items are a must so not sure what to do...

It's lovely to hear that update!

Could you let her walk to school in her normal school shoes but change into the trainers once she gets to school? Do a "deal" with her that she gets to wear her normal shoes for the journey on pe days if she agrees to change when she gets there so she will be wearing trainers "like everyone else in her class" that day.

You could offer her the choice. Does she want to put her trainers on straight away or once she reaches school. Giving an option might be enough to advertise the meltdown.

Failing that, let her wear her school shoes and take her trainers in her backpack and explain to the teacher that for some reason she has a meltdown if you insist on the trainers and would she mind her coming in school shoes and the teacher asking her to change them for trainers once she is in the classroom, just for a few weeks until she has got the hang of school routines a bit more!